by Azriel Winnett

Many social and interpersonal problems are blamed on "poor communication skills" or the like. Communication breakdown is blamed for a multitude of sins in commerce, industry, government and even sporting circles.

Unfortunately, however, people are inclined to confuse cause and result. With social maladies no less than physical ones, you have the symptoms and the disease itself; or in other words, the outward manifestations and the underlying causes. causes.

And you have to be careful not to confuse the two.

Not surprising really, because we all know that uncovering root causes is seldom easy. But of course, that's no excuse for not trying.

Keep on peeling, layer after layer, asking yourself 'why?' with every turn of the knife

We have to begin peeling away the surface layer that may be obscuring the reality. And if necessary, keep on peeling, layer after layer, asking ourselves "Why?" with each turn of the knife.

I once read a poignant and revealing personal testimony of a young woman who during her teenage years had fallen victim to that traumatic and mysterious condition known as anorexia.

Of course, nobody had the faintest idea why a highly intelligent youth - product of an affluent, caring and popular family - would want to inflict real pain upon her own body by physically making herself smaller, by starving herself. Even placing her very life in danger.

It just doesn't make sense. Until one starts to probe deeper. And deeper.

The young woman relates that she never felt anything was lacking in her home. Her parents met all her physical needs and tried desperately to fill her emotional needs.

But in a home where everybody was expected to be positive and happy all the time, where negative emotions were somehow frowned upon, she had felt, deep down in her childhood soul, invisible. No wonder that by the age of ten she was obese.

In a home where conflict was to be avoided like the plague, she was afraid to express er pain

The consequences of this were not only physical.

Even though she enjoyed a special relationship with her grandmother, each time granny introduced her to someone she would say, "Here's my little fat grandchild." Other family members were hardly more tactful. It all hurt her beyond words, but in a home where conflict was to be avoided like the plague, she was afraid to express her pain.

The next step, a few years later, was perhaps inevitable: "I decided that if I became little, people would have to protect me. They would have to take notice. I wanted to be noticed.."

In the end, notwithstanding the terrible price she knew she was paying, our young lady was at last getting all the love, attention and concern she had always craved.

The account I read does not say, but one wonders what was going through the minds of her parents during this heartrending period of crisis. If only... If only...

If only what?

One could speculate that had the girl only managed to communicate her pain and humiliation at her family's thoughtless references to her obesity, the outcome could have been very different. Not certain, but very likely.

But what were the impediments that prevented her from doing that? Why did she have such difficulty in expressing her natural feelings and emotions?

Whatever the reasons, we see how far we some times have to probe - with a very good measure of sensitivity, tact and common sense, of course - if we genuinely have the interests of our fellow human beings at heart.

And how careful we have to be not to jump to superficial conclusions.

Some Related Articles:
When Your Children Leave the Nest: Getting ready For the Day After
Communicating With Your Twins
You Have to Probe Deeper: On the Danger of First Impressions
The Myth of the Communication "Problem"
Poor Communication: Cause or Result?
Self-esteem is the Key to School Success
The Heart Link to Connection
Ten Essential Steps For Improving CommunicationWith Your Teenager
When 'Everybody Does It!' Comes Back to Haunt You
Labeling is Disabling: Achieving Congruent Communication
Play the Ball, Not the Man!