How to Apologize

Recently I had a comment from a reader that demonstrates the importance of making an appropriate apology:

"A friend of mine came to my door with a complaint about something I had done. Instead of addressing the complaint , I said ‘Count me out as a friend today.' The person responded by saying , ‘I will do that right now, I don't need you!' Several weeks later they called to tell me that they were taking out a lawsuit against me for not addressing the problem and showing 'no remorse'. I was shocked."

In this situation, the hasty utterance of a personal slight blossomed quickly into a threatened lawsuit.

The purpose of apology

The purpose of an apology is relationship repair. In the absence of a sincere and convincing apology, the wounded person may nurse a grudge for years.

During 25 years in my practice of marriage and family therapy, I saw many instances where adult children had cut off all contact with siblings, ex-wives remained antagonistic to their unapologetic former husbands, and family friends stopped speaking to one another.

In most cases the missing ingredient to repair once-solid relationships was a genuine apology for damage done.

Three components of effective apologies

Regret for having caused damage or hurt to another. A genuine expression of regret shows that you empathize with the person you hurt. That's the key element - showing them that you truly know how they feel.

Responsibility for your actions - whatever you did that caused the personal damage. This is best delivered in a specific way, such as "I'm sorry I was late getting home with the canapés. I know I caused you a lot of inconvenience and embarrassment for the party."

Remedy to make up for the damage done. Sometimes this involves restitution ("I have made arrangements to repair the fender quickly, and I'll cover the costs of a rental car while it's being repaired.") and sometimes the apology makes a credible promise of remedial behavior in the future ("I have signed up for a series of classes on anger-management.")

A lame apology can be worse than no apology!

Lame apologies include:

• Forced apologies said reluctantly and insincerely
• Apologies that show no genuine remorse
• Passive apologies ("Mistakes were made.")
• Excuse-laden apologies ("Yes, but . . .")
• Automatic, or too hasty, apologies
• "Iffy" apologies ("Sorry for any trouble I may have caused.")

The most effective apology

Face-to-face is usually the best way to apologize because the hurt person can assess the sincerity of your expressions. Next best is by telephone because others can assess feelings from your voice.

Least effective is by email, which seems both cheap and unsubstantial. It's much easier to deceive when you're just using text, and the receiver may doubt your sincerity.

Behavior rehearsal

To make sure you don't bungle an apology that could have huge consequences, rehearsal of your words and expressions is often helpful. Consider doing a few run-throughs with a coach, counselor, or good friend.

Don't over-rehearse so that you seem too smooth, but at least get your main ideas in order. Remember to include: Regret, Responsibility, Remedy.

Loren Ekroth © 2006, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com and subscribe to his weekly Better Conversations ezine.

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