If there were one thing that I advise people to give up immediately, it's gossip. There is simply no good in it. No matter how delicious the supposed facts seem, it is best to lose your taste for them.

Water coolers have a bad "rep". That's where the gossip is said to take place. I've heard it everywhere. No water coolers in sight!

Oh, the juicy details, the wild speculation and the attribution of motives! When we're talking about someone else, we can escape into the fantasy that we are above reproach.

We create, or attempt to create, alliances, lure the other into the den of our malicious mind. We make mischief, at a minimum, though, gossip can turn out to be a lethal injection.

What's your intention in opening your mouth in the first place?

We sugarcoat gossip by calling it "sharing facts". And, yes, there is a distinction---if you have the facts straight and your intention is good. There's the rub! The question is: what is the intention of opening your mouth in the first place? Is it to help or to harm? Now, be completely honest.

There is a huge difference between being asked to recall an event for the purpose of clarification, and, deciding to share an event for the purpose of making someone look wrong, small or foolish!

And, so often, it is all in how it is related. The words we choose are only a small part of the message. Your tone of voice, emphasis, posture and facial expression all play a very large part in the message.

This is the acid test!

Before relating "the facts" in any situation, take this acid test: Ask yourself if what you are about to say could be put in an email that you would be happy to have circulated throughout the company and the known world.

Remembering that the reader reads as the reader wants to; that's an excellent test. The reader decides where the emphasis goes in your sentences, and, the tone of voice you intended. You are at the mercy of the reader!

Earl Wilson said,

"Gossip is hearing something you like about people you don't."

That's the salacious nature the separates conversation from gossip. It's the 'inside track' to sensationalism that gives folks a hit of being superior. You've 'got the goods' on someone and the focus-or heat-is off you.

You think that's a good thing. It's not…and, it's temporary.

Bite...and backbite

Gossip has both bite and backbite. An Irish saying sums it up:

"Who gossips with you will gossip of you."

It's the truth. A gossip is a gossip. There's no way around it no matter what you want to believe.

You might have heard a friend say,

"I just know you won't tell anyone but I know you'll want to know…."

There's a sure sign that gossips on its way. And, you might have felt honored by the supposed trust in your ability to keep a secret. Were you drawn in? It's intriguing. It's compelling. And, it can spell trouble.

How can you trust a person who will talk poorly about someone behind their back? It is not possible.

Clear, constructive information

So, you're thinking about job-related issues that might require performance appraisal and evaluation, right? Certainly, that is the time when factual tallies of behavior, attitude and skill are necessary.

Focus on what the person does right, what you appreciate. The areas needing attention can be spelled out with the expectations and standards desired. It is not necessary to tell folks what they do badly in most cases.

Tell them what you want from them. Give them specifics. Give them standards. Give them timelines.

It is not required to tell them what they do wrong. Tell them what you want them to do right.

That not only takes the sting out of the process-and will make it more likely that the evaluations actually get done-it offers clear, constructive information as to what to shoot for. Folks put off doing appraisals that are negative. Then, it precipitates more gossip, whining and moaning.

With a clear, positive message about what needs to happen, everyone is operating above board and knows how to win. That's a gift.

Why doesn't this happen frequently enough at work?

Poor communication and conflict management skills. It's that simple.

Derstroying trust, destroying people

Trust is destroyed by gossip-and, so are people. Make an agreement with yourself to give up gossip. All it requires is saying to the person so ready to share that juicy tidbit with you is this:

"I have found that my days are more pleasant, more productive and peaceful when I focus on what's right about things, or, what will actively improve things. I'm working on this. Would you help me keep that promise to myself?"

Sure, there may be mumblings like: "Who does she/he think she/he is?", "Oh, superior, aren't we?" and the like. You've stopped their fun!

In enlightened workplaces, the 'Stop Gossip!' movement you have started will make sense immediately and everyone will jump on board. Only the very weak and afraid love to gossip. When they make others wrong, they feel so right. Well, that simply won't light up your workplace!

Banish Gossip. Build Trust.

And, enjoy going to work everyday knowing you're safer.

© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD March, 2006 All rights reserved.

Dr. Rhoberta Shaler is a "people skills" expert--a noted speaker, author, executive coach and founder of the Optimize! Institute in Escondido, CA. Dr. Shaler works with organizations that know their people are their top resource and with leaders who know that building relationships is a top priority. She is the author of What You Pay Attention to Expands and Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work as well as more than a dozen books and audio programs. Dr. Shaler is also the founder of Your SpirtualHome.com, an online Center for Spiritual Living. When you enrol as a free member on the site, you'll receive her e-book: No Limits! No Doubts! No Kidding!.

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What to Do About Office Gossip
How to Put an End to Office Gossip
The Reverse Gossip Game
Words That Cause Trouble
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'Can We Talk?': Words That Strike Terror in Your Heart?
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