Enjoyable Conversations: Learn the Basic Steps

Conversation can sometimes seem infinitely complex with all of its nuances. But its basic steps are pretty simple. Those who aren't competent in conversing usually lack skills in at least one of these steps, and usually more than one.

By way of making the dance-steps of conversation as simple as those in an Arthur Murray dance class, here they are:

1. Topics you talk about

2. How you talk about them

3. Questions you ask

4. How you listen

1. Topics you talk about

Ideally, the topics you introduce should be interesting to your talk-partner(s). Such is not often the case. For example, it is common for conversers to talk about what interests them, not others. Thus, they develop very little common ground. One way to show interest in others is to talk about what concerns or interests them.

Sports-oriented folks love to talk sports; business people, business; political wonks, politics; mothers, their children. But due to their passionate interest in their own topics, they often forget that many others are not similarly interested.

Therefore, this simple step is to find topics of mutual interest and talk about those.

2. How you talk about them

Do you do so in a flat and ho-hum manner? Or do you express energy and true interest in these topics? A routine, even robotic manner evokes a similar manner in others and makes a conversation boring for lack of energy and involvement.

When playing poker, it's usually best to be routine, so that your facial expression when holding 4 aces is the same as when you hold a weak hand. You don't want others to be able to read you. However, in ordinary social conversation, you want others to be able to read you so that your bodily and vocal expression enhances the meaning of your words.

Working on your skills to share anecdotes and tell stories will move you closer to excellence. Most people love stories when they are told well.

Therefore, this simple step includes adding vitality and expressiveness to your talk.

3. Questions you ask

Many conversers tend mainly to ask closed questions, most of the "Yes or "No" type. For example, "Did you enjoy the movie?" A better question would be "What did you enjoy about the movie?" So that you provide your partner with many options, including "I didn't enjoy it at all. I thought the lead actor was unconvincing."

Having at least a few question arrows in your quiver will help you to conversational excellence. These would include not only closed questions, but also open questions that you can think of as "What" and "How" questions. Examples: "What did you do then?" and "What happened?" or "How did you solve that problem?" And "How did you feel after you took the medicine?"

"If" questions are also helpful to get a person thinking, such as "If you had it to do over again, what would you do differently?" and "If I gave you two days off work, would that help?"

Indirect questions are another useful arrow in your quiver.

Examples: "I wonder if you're still thinking about going back to school" and "I'm puzzled about how you manage to remember everybody's name."

So, this simple step asks you to increase the variety of questions you employ, and to use them appropriately.

4. How you listen

The most frequent complaint I hear about conversation styles is "poor listening." Instances of this include not paying attention or giving only split attention, interrupting others, mental rehearsal of what you'll say next, and not being responsive (flat or deadpan expression.)

Good listening must include both intention to understand and attention to what is said. An effective listener is engaged with the talker and shows it. An effective listener would be able to reproduce at least the gist of what the talk said. The talker is validated by feeling listened to.

This simple step requires you to let go of your preoccupations and, when listening, to give your full attention to others.

I wrote above that these steps are simple -- easy to understand. However, they're not necessarily easy because it takes practice to install them and to eliminate weak habits.

Doing so will take a little time, but it will cost you nothing, and the results will make the practice well worth your effort.

Loren Ekroth © 2009, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com and subscribe to his weekly free Better Conversations ezine (which also entitles you to two very informative reports).

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Walk the Talk: The Advantages of Walking While Conversing
How to Prepare For Social Conversations
How to Comfortably Connect With Your Conversation Partner