What's The Big Deal
About Conversation?

There's no single "right way" to manage conversation. Being able to use styles appropriate to the people we're with can enable us to create good relationships, which are the basis for satisfaction and happiness.

by Loren Ekroth, Ph.D.

Why make a big deal about conversation?

Don't all humans learn to talk? Doesn't everyone converse?

Sure, unless they're damaged at birth, or perhaps suffer a stroke, everyone is able to talk. But not everyone learns to talk effectively.

I have observed that when persons develop the ability to converse really effectively, their lives change for the better. They become more successful in their work lives and in their personal lives, and they become happier.

Here's a simple formula that gets to the core of the matter:

When it's effective, conversation can build good relationships, and good relationships are the basis of success and the foundation of personal happiness.

As Eric Weiner, author of The Geography of Bliss (2008) wrote, "Happiness is relational." When researching for his book around the world, a Bhutanese informant told him that happiness was not personal, and not individual, but relational. When you know you are accepted, supported, understood, and trusted by the people you know, you can be satisfied and happy.

About 25 years ago I was conducting an adult education course entitled Seven Skills of Confident Conversation. An elderly retired lady from New York had moved to Hawaii to be close to her only daughter and was feeling lonely and cut off from new people she didn't know. As part of her cultural upbringing, she learned "Don't talk to strangers."

Without understanding that conversation styles differ according to culture...we will tend to judge negatively those whose styles differ from our own

When she understood that her conversation style was appropriate to New York City but not to Honolulu, and after she had learned some courteous phrases to start up conversations with strangers, her life changed.

She became a social hub of her apartment building and an ambassador of friendliness when riding the busses. She transformed herself from reclusive and private to outward-going and engaging. She created good relationships and was made happy by them.

The example above illustrates not only that using new skills can enhance relationships, but also that skill-sets differ in different regions and different cultures. Open friendliness is generally expected throughout Hawaii, but personal privacy and apartness is more the norm in large mainland cities in the U.S.

Without understanding that conversation styles differ according to culture, language, region, and gender, we will tend to judge negatively those whose styles differ from our own.

If our own culturally-induced style is to be soft-spoken and modest, we will feel put off by those whose style is effusive and loud. The mis-match of their style and our own makes us feel uncomfortable, and we usually will judge according to what we perceive to be the personality - not the style. (For example, "pushy," or "domineering," or "self-centered.")

We often will judge others according to what we value and are good at - such as avoiding arguments and conflict, and we won't understand that in some ethnic groups, argument, banter, teasing, and funny put-downs are part of the conversation game.

When I first arrived in Italy for a U.S. Army assignment some decades ago, I felt uncomfortable with the Italian level of expressive conversation that was so different from what I'd grown up with in the scandinavian Midwest. Compared to the locals, I felt stiff and awkward. I saw such gesticulating and interrupting, even operatic speaking, and I couldn't pick up the rhythms at first.

However, little by little, as I made more Italian friends, I took the ancient advice: "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." From that point, I could pick up the local habits and adapt to where I was.

I have often used the metaphor that "conversation is like a dance, taking turns in leading and following." To do a dance well, we must learn its steps through practice.

In addition, however, we must learn the steps and rhythms of various dances to be able to interact effectively in the wider, more diverse world. We must learn not only the 2-step, but also the waltz and swing and perhaps even the elegant tango and folksy polka.

As we become flexible and able to adapt to the styles of others, our relationship satisfaction will increase. And, after all, "happiness is relational."

Loren Ekroth © 2008, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com and subscribe to his weekly free Better Conversations ezine (which also entitles you to two very informative reports).

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When in Rome, Should We Do As the Romans?
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