Unfortunately, to put it bluntly, most of these self-serving and heavily promotional e-publications fail to deliver the goods.

One of the relatively few  exceptions is  written by trainer Shaun Belding.   Shaun’s  regular Winning at Work mailings – as brief as they are – do deliver the goods. His publication offers “techniques and tools for dealing Coworkers, Bosses, Callers, Customers and Clients” and excels in showing us how to handle difficult people in each of these categories.

Disagreements  among colleagues in the workplace are the subject of the latest  issue.  Differences of  opinion among people working towards a common goal are not only inevitable but healthy.  After all,  sharing and examining different ideas and contrasting viewpoints leads to progress and growth. What is certainly not desirable is the unnecessary acrimony and conflict that is often an offshoot of such debates.

As Shaun Belding points out, what creates the conflict has less to do with the idea and more with the way it is presented.  He presents us with two  useful techniques for minimizing the potential for conflict when offering a different opinion:

I think in this case…

This technique involves first validating the premise behind the other person’s assertion, then offering a new or different perspective that leads to a different conclusion.  For example:

Sally: I think we need to have a full team meeting for an hour every Monday and Wednesday morning.

Bob: (validating) That makes sense. The more frequently we communicate, the less likely we’ll have issues like  the ones that cropped up in the last  project. (new perspective) I think in this case we have a challenge with availability.  Not everyone is in the office every Monday and Wednesday.  Perhaps we should just say we’ll meet twice a week, and on the Friday before set mutually convenient meeting times.

Yes, and…

We’ve all been in situations where an interaction with another person turns out nasty. Sometimes, we already know before we initiate an encounter that it’s likely to be a rough ride.   Other times, we have no forewarning.

 We’re shaken to the core when when in all innocence we engage  a fellow  human being  in what we intended to be a friendly conversation, which slowly or quickly deterorates into anything but.  To our chagrin, we’ve become the butt of the other party’s anger, or the bouncing board for one or more of a whole range of  powerful but negative emotions.  

Perhaps we have become the target of fury because our protagonist believes – with or without justification – that we have caused offence.  Or possibly, we have become a convenient puchbag or whipping boy merely because we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time.      

In a blog post aptly entitled Without Words, What Are You Telling the World?, Kare raises a question that deserves our close attention: “How well do you anticipate another person’s discomfort before that person freezes up and becomes paralyzed, withdrawn or even destructive in a situation?” 

She procceds to enumerate some early warning signs of increased emotional intensity:

Sweating:  Might indicate an increase in some emotional feeling.

Blinking more:  Might indicate an increase in some emotional feeling.

Dilated pupils:  Often indicates arousal or fear.

Blushing:  Might signal embarrassment, shame, anger, or guilt.

Talking louder and faster:  Usually signals anger, fear, or other excitement.

Talking slower and softer:  Might signal sadness or boredom.

Body gesturing:  Signals a negative emotion, usually fear or anger.

Breathing fast and shallow: Indicates the presence of emotion. 

As Kare points out, too often we’re either not attuned to recognizing signs of strong emotion in other, or we misread the signals. So it will pay us to look out for these signs when speaking to to others. And of course – and this might be a lot harder – to learn in recognize them in ourselves!  

The entire piece is well worth a very careful read.

In all probability, they  are picking up a very big portion of your message (and all of the emotional nuance behind the words) from your nonverbal signals. Do the way you are standing or sitting,  your facial expressions, gestures, touch and use of space express enthusiasm, confidence and warmth, or arrogance, indifference and displeasure?

One thing is clear. Understanding body language is critical whether you are a chief executive officer, a first-line supervisor, or a candidate for president of the United States.

But unlike political candidates, most business and other people are oblivious to the impact of the nonverbal signals they send.

The first step to gaining a nonverbal advantage is awareness – and one way to increase awareness is to learn from experience. The good news is that it doesn’t always have to be your own experience!

In this regard, the recent TV debates in the USA between the candidates for president were, like most such encounters, especially enlightening. Learn here some powerful lessons – positive and negative – from the way Obama and McCain presented themselves, and how you can apply the lessons in your own professional or personal life.

Passive Aggressive Behavior and Workplace Anger

Passive aggressive behavior is one of the most common ways anger is displayed in the workplace. Because people fear retaliation for speaking up, or even fear for their jobs, anger goes deep and oozes out in unhealthy ways

Seven Ways to Stop Interrupting

It happens all day, every day. We see it on television interviews. We hear it on the radio. We experience it at home and at work. One person talking over the other person. Not letting people finish what they were saying. In short, interrupting!

Interrupting can cause a whole stream of problems and challenges. It reduces our effectiveness as a listener, negatively impacts relationships, shuts down communication, reduces our ability to learn and much more.

Icebreakers: The Niftiest Training Tool

If you’re looking for a training tool that will deliver the most benefits for the least effort… a tool that can be used in any number of training situations… and change the mood of a group in a second… all while delivering heaps of learning… then I think I can claim to have found it…
…Icebreakers!

Stand Your Ground With Manipulators!

Nobody likes being manipulated. And despite what manipulators may believe, the act of manipulation always has a diminishing outcome.

How to Deal With Conflict Avoiders

Some people with whom you relate have tremendous difficulty acknowledging and talking about negative feelings.

Because they want to keep the peace at any cost, they pretend everything is fine. They don’t want to rock the boat. As a result, underlying resentments can grow and eventually destroy working relationships as well as personal relationships.

High Time to Change Childish Conversation

Many adults use childish conversation styles some or all of the time. What are the most common types of childish speech, and what makes people talk that way?

Please use the Comments area to let me know what you think of these articles, or to suggest topics you’d like to see covered in the future. If you prefer, you can also contact me privately at azriel AT hodu.com.

Next, hasten to explain to your partner that of course, you didn’t  mean what you said – your were just joking, or if you like, you were conducting an experiment. Ask her to describe how she felt when you called her an “idiot” (or any other term of contempt you chose to use.)  Doubtless, the reply will be “Awful!”

Then, assuming she’s a person deeply attuned to her own feelings (to be sure, not everyone is), ask if she felt better after you explained you hadn’t been serious.

Very likely, of course, she’ll say that she was a lot relieved. But if she’s honest, she might well tell you that deep down she still feels a certain amount of emotional pain. Pain that didn’t completely dissipate even after accepting (at least on an intellectual level) your assurance that you didn’t mean it.

As one husband once commented: “Whenever my wife hurls an abusive epithet at me – even I know she’s only doing it because she’s under great stress – something inside me always dies…”

Here we’re talking about a case where the target of verbal abuse knows it’s just an act, or maybe he can even sense that although it appears to be an attack against him, the attacker is really shouting at himself! How much more, then, does the victim suffer when she knows that an unfortunate choice of words (to put it in the most charitable way) directed against her is unquestionably intended!

The power of speech, for good or evil, a power almost impossible to over-estimate,  has been the subject of untold volumes and discourses. Yet as much as we pay lip service to this truth, somehow we find it extremely difficult to internalize it.  It just could be that this little story, a remarkable true incident, may help a little towards this end.

Sharon Smith was in her early teens and had everything going for her. She was extremely popular  among her classmates and teachers alike,  was considered  “the life of the party”, and was an outstanding student.

Then her troubles began.  True,  she continued to be well-liked after the episode she regarded as a turning point, and other than her own family and her closest friends, few in the outside world  may  have noticed any change in her at all.  But deep down inside, the change was quite dramatic, and by her own testimony, the effects of the “curse,” as she sometimes called it, were to remain with her many years later.

Bambi was known as the clown of the class.  Slightly eccentric but full of fun (and with the proverbial skin as thick as an elephant’s hide), she could always be relied upon to lift sagging spirits.

One day,  during the recess following a particularly demanding class test, Bambi announced. “Come on girls, I’m a fortune teller. Let me read your palms and I’ll tell you what’s in store for you once we’re all out of this place!”  Her classmates  gathered around Bambi gleefully, extending their palms.

“You, Suzie, will graduate with honors as a lawyer. You, Jane, will be a CEO. You, Pam, will marry a millionaire…You will be a diplomat in a foreign country…”  The girls chuckled with delight.

Finally it was Sharon’s turn. By this time, Bambi probably realized that in order to retain “credibility”, she had better mix in a couple of less possible forecasts too!

Bambi thought for a moment, looked Sharon up and down and announced: “The same thing that happened to Gertie McQueen will happen to you!”

Ever since the girls had been in kindergarten, Gertie McQueen had been the undisputed genius of the class. Then, about two years previously, she had suddenly starting acting very strangely. Each day her conduct had become stranger and stranger,  ultimately leading to a complete mental breakdown. She had been in and out of hospital ever since.

Everybody, Sharon included, enjoyed a good laugh, apparently forgetting that it wasn’t so nice to make jokes at the expense of a poor girl who had lost her mind.

That night, Sharon didn’t sleep much, and the little sleep she did get was punctuated by nightmares. In point of fact, it was the start of one long nightmare that has been plaguing her ever since.

If she slept,  ran the dark thought at the back of Sharon’s mind, would she wake up crazy?  It was a thought that was to give her no rest in the days, weeks and months that lay ahead. She was forced to stay home from school for a few days, claiming that she didn’t feel well. Well, in a very real sense, she certainly  wasn’t well. Not by a long shot.

Eventually,  Sharon forced herself to return to school, but nothing was really the same again.  She  had to keep telling herself that she must hold on to her sanity at all costs.  She felt powerless to stop the incessant, anxious thoughts that were twirling around in her head, which she was convinced would burst open any second!

Before too long,  her closest friends began to notice that Sharon was under stress, although they didn’t suspect any connection with the fortune-telling session.  Eventually, one of them managed to persuade Sharon to confide in her.  The friend tried her very best to reassure the hapless Sharon, and all else having failed, urged her to consult a psychologist.

The sessions at the psychologist did help a great deal,  and she learned to  keep her anxiety under control and carry on with normal life. But there was just no way she could totally shake off those dark thoughts that had taken a such a firm grip on the recesses of her mind.

Today, Sharon runs a successful business and is the proud mother of a lovely family. But ever so often, she is overcome with anxiety attacks that virtually put her out of action for a short while.

Do you think that the words that come out of your mouth, once spoken, just disappear into thin air? If so, it’s high time to think again. Very carefully.

And even if your words are only part of a game!