Unfortunately, to put it bluntly, most of these self-serving and heavily promotional e-publications fail to deliver the goods.

One of the relatively few  exceptions is  written by trainer Shaun Belding.   Shaun’s  regular Winning at Work mailings – as brief as they are – do deliver the goods. His publication offers “techniques and tools for dealing Coworkers, Bosses, Callers, Customers and Clients” and excels in showing us how to handle difficult people in each of these categories.

Disagreements  among colleagues in the workplace are the subject of the latest  issue.  Differences of  opinion among people working towards a common goal are not only inevitable but healthy.  After all,  sharing and examining different ideas and contrasting viewpoints leads to progress and growth. What is certainly not desirable is the unnecessary acrimony and conflict that is often an offshoot of such debates.

As Shaun Belding points out, what creates the conflict has less to do with the idea and more with the way it is presented.  He presents us with two  useful techniques for minimizing the potential for conflict when offering a different opinion:

I think in this case…

This technique involves first validating the premise behind the other person’s assertion, then offering a new or different perspective that leads to a different conclusion.  For example:

Sally: I think we need to have a full team meeting for an hour every Monday and Wednesday morning.

Bob: (validating) That makes sense. The more frequently we communicate, the less likely we’ll have issues like  the ones that cropped up in the last  project. (new perspective) I think in this case we have a challenge with availability.  Not everyone is in the office every Monday and Wednesday.  Perhaps we should just say we’ll meet twice a week, and on the Friday before set mutually convenient meeting times.

Yes, and…

When Dr Carol Kinsey Goman, author of the THE NONVERBAL ADVANTAGE-Secret and Science of  Body Language at Work (and various training programs on this topic) hears someone mention “empathy”, she thinks of mirror neurons and body language? And monkeys. A strange combination, so what’s the connection?

Dr Goman writes about a research laboratory in Italy where neuroscientists were studying the brain cells of macaque monkeys. When the monkeys performed a single highly specific hand action, sophisticated monitoring equipment detected that neurons in the motor cortex of the animals’ brains become very active. For example, every time a monkey reached for a peanut, certain brain cells immediately “fired”.

Then one day, by chance, the reseachers discovered something particularly interesting. A monkey connected to the monitoring device happened to see a human grab a peanut. The same neurons fired in the same way! In terms of motor cell activity, the monkey’s brain could not tell the difference between actually doing something and seeing it done by someone else.

In other words, these brain cells reflected the actions that the monkey observed in others,  which is why the researchers dubbed them “mirror neurons”.

What is fascinating is not only that later experiments confirmed that these same neurons  exist in humans, but in addition to mirroring actions, the human brain cells also reflected sensations and feelings!

In one study , subjects watched a hand move forward to caress  someone else and then saw another hand push it away rudely. The brains of the subjects registered the pain of social rejection as if it were happening to them. Why? Because empathizing with someone, whether in grief or joy, apparently activates the very same circuits in your own brain as your companion who experienced the original emotion! Mirror neurons are well named indeed.

In her training programs on nonverbal literacy,  Goman  describes  “empathy ” as “the human ability to internalize the emotional state of others by  simply observing their body language.  The moment you become aware of a strong emotion felt by someone in your immediate environment – whether you can see it on the face or read it in the person’s gestures or bodily posture –   you begin,  however subconsciously, to place yourself in that person’s mental shoes, to get under their skin,  so to speak.

Before you know it, you are experiencing  the identical emotion, feeling your companion’s happiness,  excitement, confusion or  disappointment  as if it were your own.

And that, after all, is what empathy – genuine empathy, in the heart, not on the sleeve – is all about.

We’ve all been in situations where an interaction with another person turns out nasty. Sometimes, we already know before we initiate an encounter that it’s likely to be a rough ride.   Other times, we have no forewarning.

 We’re shaken to the core when when in all innocence we engage  a fellow  human being  in what we intended to be a friendly conversation, which slowly or quickly deterorates into anything but.  To our chagrin, we’ve become the butt of the other party’s anger, or the bouncing board for one or more of a whole range of  powerful but negative emotions.  

Perhaps we have become the target of fury because our protagonist believes – with or without justification – that we have caused offence.  Or possibly, we have become a convenient puchbag or whipping boy merely because we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time.      

In a blog post aptly entitled Without Words, What Are You Telling the World?, Kare raises a question that deserves our close attention: “How well do you anticipate another person’s discomfort before that person freezes up and becomes paralyzed, withdrawn or even destructive in a situation?” 

She procceds to enumerate some early warning signs of increased emotional intensity:

Sweating:  Might indicate an increase in some emotional feeling.

Blinking more:  Might indicate an increase in some emotional feeling.

Dilated pupils:  Often indicates arousal or fear.

Blushing:  Might signal embarrassment, shame, anger, or guilt.

Talking louder and faster:  Usually signals anger, fear, or other excitement.

Talking slower and softer:  Might signal sadness or boredom.

Body gesturing:  Signals a negative emotion, usually fear or anger.

Breathing fast and shallow: Indicates the presence of emotion. 

As Kare points out, too often we’re either not attuned to recognizing signs of strong emotion in other, or we misread the signals. So it will pay us to look out for these signs when speaking to to others. And of course – and this might be a lot harder – to learn in recognize them in ourselves!  

The entire piece is well worth a very careful read.

Management Communication: Three Basic Rules

Many leaders in the workplace choose to ignore these simple points. Fine. That’s their business and good luck to them. But then why do they seem so surprised when the productivity of their workers takes a nosedive?

How to Tell If Someone is a True Friend

It’s a lament one hears often:

“I’m so frustrated about the friends that I have. I trusted someone who I thought was a good friend of mine and I ended up getting used. I really can’t tell who is really a friend and who is just fake and trying to use me. I used to trust my own judgment, but now…I’m not so sure…”

Here are five simple rules that serve as a litmus test.

Working With Difficult People: Turning Tormentors into Teachers

When a confrontational employee or fellow worker with a chip on the shoulder begins to drive you up the wall, a simple switch in tactics could put a smile back on his face. And yours.

How to Leave Professional Phone Messages

Trying to reach a person who isn’t immediately available can be pretty frustrating at times, but take heart! A well planned message could be a fine opportunity to enhance your reputation and even help build relationships.

Voice to High? How to Safely Lower Your Pitch

Some common speaking problems:

“Even though I’m a mature female and a stockbroker, I am often mistaken for a child when I answer the phone or leave messages. I’m not sure what to do. Is my voice too high? Too hesitant? How can start to sound my age?”

“I am a small man and my voice is higher than I prefer. Are there any ways to lower my voice? I once heard that one movie star used to go into the mountains and scream for hours.”

Read what voice production expert Susan Berkley advises.

What to Do About Office Gossip

How an organization deals with habitual gossipers can be mean the difference between growing and thriving, or disintegrating from within

Please use the Comments area to let me know what you think of these articles, or to suggest topics you’d like to see covered in the future. If you prefer, you can also contact me privately at azriel AT hodu.com.

Or let’s take a setting very far removed from the office: we’ve just arrived at the resort hotel for the vacation we’ve been dreaming of all year. But on the way we were flagged down and ticketed  for exceeding the speed limit. Or, we find that the room we reserved is not ready yet and we’re forced to wait, tired and hungry, in a crowded and drafty reception lounge for an hour and a half.

Now, let’s take out our imaginary “emotion meter” and take a reading of our mood or state of mind during the rest of the day at the office, or the first few days of our vacation.

Our boss’s momentary rudeness (or at least we perceived it as such) is in the past. He may even have apologized, or we may have realized that it was really our fault.  Or the minor discomfort we had to endure on the first day of our vacation didn’t last much longer than sixty minutes.  Great! So why are we making so many mistakes on the job, and why was our lazy day on the sun-drenched beach…well, yes, a lot of fun,  but…not quite as much fun as it was last year?

To be sure, our emotional state at any particular moment affects  our actions, present and immediate future, in so many different ways, and I mentioned some of them in my recent post on defining emotional intelligence. Yet unfortunately, that’s often not the end of the story.

It’s bad enough when some external stimulus, whatever it is, make us feel angry, or disappointed, or irritable, or extremely frustrated, and  so gives rise to a mood or state of mind that can last for several hours, days, or even weeks.

What’s worse is that our emotional state often doesn’t just remain at its initial level. It may escalate in intensity, without warning,  so quickly  that the person feels he is losing control (or sometimes he may not even feel it!). I have seen this referred to  very descriptively as “the spiral effect.” Perhaps an even more appropriate term would be the “one-thing-leads-to-another syndrome.”

Jack and Jill’s little tiff: how they erred

Let’s use our now famous (!!) imaginary couple, Jack and Jill,  to cite a simple and familiar example from everyday life.

After a business meeting had finished sooner than anticipated, Jack calls Jill mid afternoon to tell her that he will be arriving home earlier than usual. Of course, Jill is pleased, and asks him if she could save her a trip by stopping off at the neighborhood supermarket on the way to pick up a few things.  She rattles off the items she wants, and assures Jack that though she might not be at home when he comes,  she’ll be back soon.

Jack arrives home with the goods.  Jill isn’t back yet. He was pleased to help  because he figures Jill must be exhausted  after an especially busy day. Then he has a brainwave: why not help even more by cooking some supper?  So he takes some noodles and eggs and a few other small items from the bag he’s just brought and begins to cook up a dish he knows Jill is fond of.

The pot on the stove is almost ready when Jill walks in.  She ambles over to the stove, opens the pot nervously, and lets out a scream.  A real scream.

“Hey, Jack, have you gone out of your mind?  Are those the noodles you bought? I especially needed them for the meal I promised to take to my sick friend tomorrow. I wanted to use the leftovers from Sunday lunch for supper tonight…now I’ll just have to throw them out. And by the way, you bonehead, you now I always buy brown eggs, not white ones. Can’t you think for once in your life?”

Jack, who just two minutes ago was expecting to be showered with praise for his thoughtfulness,  is overtaken at first with with a numb feeling.   A rather bland, seemingly harmless, sensation.  But the numbness quickly turns to bewilderment, which in turn converts into anger.

And unfortunately, anger breeds more anger. Jack storms out of the kitchen, leaving a badly burned culinary creation to go up in smoke.  And a lovely young couple hardly speaking to each other for several days.

What should Jack have done – while his emotions were still reasonably under control?  First and foremost,  he should have kept reminding himself of his   original intention, what he had set out to achieve in the first place.  If making things easier for his wife was his first priority,  then by definition, that took precedence over a wounded pride or temporary feeling of disquiet!

He might have said: “Look Jill, I’m sorry, but let’s see what we can do; losing our cool won’t get us anywhere.  I’ll pop back to the store to get some more noodles, or maybe I can borrow from our neighbor. Perhaps we could…”

For Jill’s  part, some quick thinking  before Jack’s stormy exit would surely have helped.  “Jack,” she might have said,  “I know you only wanted to help me.  I’m sorry I lost my flap…I must be overtired, I guess. You know what – let’s put your concoction in the freezer…it  will actually be a big help not having to worry about tomorrow’s supper!  And you know, there are some dishes that taste better with white eggs, not brown…”

The problem is as we said: a strong negative emotion will most likely generate a still stronger negative emotion. If it happens to you, will you be able to take one step back and direct your rational side to take charge, before hell breaks lose and everything spirals out of control?

In an upcoming post,  we’ll discuss this kind of situation further.  We’ll analyze the sad case of a hitherto happy and close family that was nearly ripped apart by anger,  see  how the situation could easily have been prevented  and what can still be done to repair the damaged relationships.