In an article on creativity, I once wrote about the “secret weapon” of the president of a company known for its rapid growth rate, its excellent relationships with customers and suppliers, and for being a very pleasant place to work. Whenever a staff member approached him with an idea to improve the organization, smooth out the work flow or make more money, the president had a certain way of responding.

And he never deviated from this style, however impractical or ridiculous the worker’s suggestion might have appeared to him at first glance.

Instead of saying, for example, “This idea will cost too much”, the president would throw out a challenge by asking: “How might you reduce the cost?” or “How might you raise the money to develop this idea?” Instead of offering a prophecy of doom by saying: “Management will never accept this idea” he would inquire: “How might you get management’s support?”

Seems to me that the simple, yet underrated, communication concept used by our president has applications in many areas outside the world of business. Not least of these involves a class of people interacting with whom – or perhaps more accurately, attempting to interact with them – causes many older folk to almost tear out their hair in frustration.

I refer, of course, to our attempts to communicate on a deeper level with our children, especially teenagers. Adolescents, after all, have a reputation for being uncommunicative- a phenomenon most marked precisely when we badly want to get through to them!

The question is what we can do to reverse the trend, to get our older kids to open up to us – without wearing ourselves out with excessive nagging and prodding, and without counterproductive threats or bribes.

Professional counselor and columnist Azra Buksh presents some useful tips to help parents and other seniors succeed in what often appears to be a futile quest. She concludes her list with examples of two contrasting kinds of questions we can use when engaging our children in conversation.

The first type of question she calls “door openers” – non-judgmental, non-threatening, open-ended questions that invite and encourage the one being addressed to respond in kind, to “open up” and express his or her thoughts in full measure, without fear of criticism or retribution. The questions of the second type – the “door-slammers” – imply judgment, disrespect and criticism, or at best, condescension. The result, therefore, will be exactly the opposite of what should hopefully be achieved with questions of the first category.

These are Dr. Buksh’s examples of both types:

Door openers

“What do you think?”“That’s a great question”
“Would like to share more about that?”
“I don’t know, but I will try to find out.”
I am interested in what you are saying”
“Do you know what it means?”
“Are you ready to talk about it?”
“ That’s sounds important to you”
“I don’t have answer now, but I will talk to you about this tomorrow”.
“I know I did not clarify this next time I will do better.”

Door slammers

“Stop asking such questions”.
“You don’t need to know that”
““Why do you want to talk about this?
“Don’t talk to me if you mess up”
“We will talk about it when time comes; you are too young for all this”.
“That’s just not for Boys/girls”.
“ I don’t care what your friends are doing:”
‘I have no time for such foolishness.”.
“ When I was your age, I was not like you”
“It’s your entire fault.”