In my previous post, we discussed how some social and interpersonal problems are often blamed on “poor communication skills” or the like. Unfortunately, however, people are inclined to confuse cause and result. They fail to distinguish between the symptoms and the disease itself, the outward manifestations and the underlying causes.

Not surprising really, because we all know that uncovering root causes is seldom easy. But of course, that’s no excuse for not trying. We have to begin peeling away the surface layer that may be obscuring the reality. And if necessary, keep on peeling, layer after layer, asking ourselves “Why?” with each turn of the knife.

I recently read a poignant and revealing personal testimony of a young woman who during her teenage years had fallen victim to that traumatic and mysterious condition known as anorexia. Of course, nobody had the faintest idea why a highly intelligent youth – product of an affluent, caring and popular family – would want to inflict real pain upon her own body by physically making herself smaller, by starving herself. Even placing her very life in danger.

It just doesn’t make sense. Until one starts to probe deeper. And deeper.

The young woman relates that she never felt anything was lacking in her home. Her parents met all her physical needs and tried desperately to fill her emotional needs. But in a home where everybody was expected to be positive and happy all the time, where negative emotions were somehow frowned upon, she had felt, deep down in her childhood soul, invisible. No wonder that by the age of ten she was obese.

The consequences of this were not only physical. Even though she enjoyed a special relationship with her grandmother, each time granny introduced her to someone she would say, “Here’s my little fat grandchild.” Other family members were hardly more tactful. It all hurt her beyond words, but in a home where conflict was to be avoided like the plague, she was afraid to express her pain.

The next step, a few years later, was perhaps inevitable: “I decided that if I became little, people would have to protect me. They would have to take notice. I wanted to be noticed..” In the end, notwithstanding the terrible price she knew she was paying, our young lady was at last getting all the love, attention and concern she had always craved.

The account I read does not say, but one wonders what was going through the minds of her parents during this heartrending period of crisis. If only… If only…

If only what?

One could speculate that had the girl only managed to communicate her pain and humiliation at her family’s thoughtless references to her obesity, the outcome could have been very different. Not certain, but very likely.

But what were the impediments that prevented her from doing that? Why did she have such difficulty in expressing her natural feelings and emotions?

I’ll leave a full analysis to you. (And in case you’ve forgotten, the “comments” button is right below!)

At any rate, we see how far we some times have to probe – with a very good measure of sensitivity, tact and common sense, of course – if we genuinely have the interests of our fellow human beings at heart. And how careful we have to be not to jump to superficial conclusions.