My colleague Kare Anderson of the Say It Better Center  (I’m not sure that “colleague” is the appropriate term – she is a communication expert, whereas I don’t profess to be), can always be relied upon to…well, say it better.  And teaching others to follow her example is basically her professional mission.

We’ve all been in situations where an interaction with another person turns out nasty. Sometimes, we already know before we initiate an encounter that it’s likely to be a rough ride.   Other times, we have no forewarning.

 We’re shaken to the core when when in all innocence we engage  a fellow  human being  in what we intended to be a friendly conversation, which slowly or quickly deterorates into anything but.  To our chagrin, we’ve become the butt of the other party’s anger, or the bouncing board for one or more of a whole range of  powerful but negative emotions.  

Perhaps we have become the target of fury because our protagonist believes – with or without justification – that we have caused offence.  Or possibly, we have become a convenient puchbag or whipping boy merely because we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time.      

In a blog post aptly entitled Without Words, What Are You Telling the World?, Kare raises a question that deserves our close attention: “How well do you anticipate another person’s discomfort before that person freezes up and becomes paralyzed, withdrawn or even destructive in a situation?” 

She procceds to enumerate some early warning signs of increased emotional intensity:

Sweating:  Might indicate an increase in some emotional feeling.

Blinking more:  Might indicate an increase in some emotional feeling.

Dilated pupils:  Often indicates arousal or fear.

Blushing:  Might signal embarrassment, shame, anger, or guilt.

Talking louder and faster:  Usually signals anger, fear, or other excitement.

Talking slower and softer:  Might signal sadness or boredom.

Body gesturing:  Signals a negative emotion, usually fear or anger.

Breathing fast and shallow: Indicates the presence of emotion. 

As Kare points out, too often we’re either not attuned to recognizing signs of strong emotion in other, or we misread the signals. So it will pay us to look out for these signs when speaking to to others. And of course – and this might be a lot harder – to learn in recognize them in ourselves!  

The entire piece is well worth a very careful read.