The title of this piece may sound like a contradiction in terms, but no, it makes perfectly good sense.

Disappointment, disapproval, resentment, bitterness, frustration, anger. All these are emotions that are clearly “negative”, in the sense that, generally speaking, we don’t perceive of them as “ideal” states of mind and people don’t feel that way by choice. It’s just that external circumstances (We didn’t order them!) are unfavorable right now and what we feel seems to be an inevitable and unavoidable reaction to these circumstances.

Whether or not that last statement is entirely accurate, there’s no denying that these negative feelings are a natural part of daily life. In the world of nature, you can’t have heat without cold, light without darkness, nor health without disease. So, too, in the realm of human interaction, we can’t expect positive without negative.

What’s crucial is not whether or not we have these feelings, but how we express and control them. So crucial, in fact, that this is the likely “make or break” factor in all kinds of interpersonal relationships, and nowhere is this more true than in the relationship between marriage partners.

How do you handle your negative feelings towards your spouse, your children, your friends or fellow workers?

If you express them in an uncontrolled outburst of violent rage, the fallout for you and those near and dear to you is hardly likely to be pleasant – to put it mildly. Even if you give vent to your feelings in a way that’s more controlled but deliberately intended to hurt – such as through sarcasm, ridicule or name-calling, the communication will be anything but effective.

But another way of dealing with such feelings is in some respects the worst of all, and unfortunately, it’s far too common. That’s when you don’t express your negative emotions at all but keep them hidden inside you. By holding them in, you think you’ll make them go away.

But they don’t. In your heart, the tension you’ve tried so hard to suppress builds up. And builds up. And builds up. Until….

Professional counselor Dr Meir Wikler, in a book entitled Ten Minutes a Day to a Better Marriage, tells a story that I strongly suspect will strike a cord with many who are reading these lines.

Aaron didn’t know how to express negative feelings in a positive way. His mistake was that he through he could maintain peace at home simply by restraining them.

But such restraint does have its limits. Therefore, whenever he was particularly upset about something his wife Sarah said or did, his internal pressure cooker would boil over. He would lash out at her with such rage and venom that she would be scared stiff. Next day, he would be overcome with embarrassment and promise himself and his wife he would never repeat such outbursts.

One day, Aaron kept swallowing in every comment from Sarah that he regarded as disrepectful, derogatory or demeaning. Then, as he was standing in the kitchen, Sarah crossed a red line one more time with a criticism he felt was unfair.

What did Aaron do? He “calmly” walked over to the sink, took the bottle of dishwashing liquid and squeezed some of it into the pot of spaghetti Sarah was cooking on the stove. Then he stormed out of the house. Apparently, it took many months to pick up the pieces of the shattered trust between him and Sarah.

Please read for yourself Dr. Wikler’s analysis of the mistakes made on both sides and his rules for avoiding this kind of messy situation in your own home. This informative extract from his book, I dare to propose, must be compulsory reading for all who are married or aspire towards marriage, and certainly if you feel your relationship is somewhat shaky.

I’ve said it often: marriage, like any other worthwhile achievement, is hard work. It just doesn’t work to drive our relationships on automatic pilot.