We’ve all had the experience in one form or another.  Let’s say we arrive at work in the morning and as soon as we walk in the door our boss or a coworker says, or does, something or other that upsets us.  Or perhaps, before we set out we had a little tiff with our spouse over breakfast.

Or let’s take a setting very far removed from the office: we’ve just arrived at the resort hotel for the vacation we’ve been dreaming of all year. But on the way we were flagged down and ticketed  for exceeding the speed limit. Or, we find that the room we reserved is not ready yet and we’re forced to wait, tired and hungry, in a crowded and drafty reception lounge for an hour and a half.

Now, let’s take out our imaginary “emotion meter” and take a reading of our mood or state of mind during the rest of the day at the office, or the first few days of our vacation.

Our boss’s momentary rudeness (or at least we perceived it as such) is in the past. He may even have apologized, or we may have realized that it was really our fault.  Or the minor discomfort we had to endure on the first day of our vacation didn’t last much longer than sixty minutes.  Great! So why are we making so many mistakes on the job, and why was our lazy day on the sun-drenched beach…well, yes, a lot of fun,  but…not quite as much fun as it was last year?

To be sure, our emotional state at any particular moment affects  our actions, present and immediate future, in so many different ways, and I mentioned some of them in my recent post on defining emotional intelligence. Yet unfortunately, that’s often not the end of the story.

It’s bad enough when some external stimulus, whatever it is, make us feel angry, or disappointed, or irritable, or extremely frustrated, and  so gives rise to a mood or state of mind that can last for several hours, days, or even weeks.

What’s worse is that our emotional state often doesn’t just remain at its initial level. It may escalate in intensity, without warning,  so quickly  that the person feels he is losing control (or sometimes he may not even feel it!). I have seen this referred to  very descriptively as “the spiral effect.” Perhaps an even more appropriate term would be the “one-thing-leads-to-another syndrome.”

Jack and Jill’s little tiff: how they erred

Let’s use our now famous (!!) imaginary couple, Jack and Jill,  to cite a simple and familiar example from everyday life.

After a business meeting had finished sooner than anticipated, Jack calls Jill mid afternoon to tell her that he will be arriving home earlier than usual. Of course, Jill is pleased, and asks him if she could save her a trip by stopping off at the neighborhood supermarket on the way to pick up a few things.  She rattles off the items she wants, and assures Jack that though she might not be at home when he comes,  she’ll be back soon.

Jack arrives home with the goods.  Jill isn’t back yet. He was pleased to help  because he figures Jill must be exhausted  after an especially busy day. Then he has a brainwave: why not help even more by cooking some supper?  So he takes some noodles and eggs and a few other small items from the bag he’s just brought and begins to cook up a dish he knows Jill is fond of.

The pot on the stove is almost ready when Jill walks in.  She ambles over to the stove, opens the pot nervously, and lets out a scream.  A real scream.

“Hey, Jack, have you gone out of your mind?  Are those the noodles you bought? I especially needed them for the meal I promised to take to my sick friend tomorrow. I wanted to use the leftovers from Sunday lunch for supper tonight…now I’ll just have to throw them out. And by the way, you bonehead, you now I always buy brown eggs, not white ones. Can’t you think for once in your life?”

Jack, who just two minutes ago was expecting to be showered with praise for his thoughtfulness,  is overtaken at first with with a numb feeling.   A rather bland, seemingly harmless, sensation.  But the numbness quickly turns to bewilderment, which in turn converts into anger.

And unfortunately, anger breeds more anger. Jack storms out of the kitchen, leaving a badly burned culinary creation to go up in smoke.  And a lovely young couple hardly speaking to each other for several days.

What should Jack have done - while his emotions were still reasonably under control?  First and foremost,  he should have kept reminding himself of his   original intention, what he had set out to achieve in the first place.  If making things easier for his wife was his first priority,  then by definition, that took precedence over a wounded pride or temporary feeling of disquiet!

He might have said: “Look Jill, I’m sorry, but let’s see what we can do; losing our cool won’t get us anywhere.  I’ll pop back to the store to get some more noodles, or maybe I can borrow from our neighbor. Perhaps we could…”

For Jill’s  part, some quick thinking  before Jack’s stormy exit would surely have helped.  “Jack,” she might have said,  “I know you only wanted to help me.  I’m sorry I lost my flap…I must be overtired, I guess. You know what - let’s put your concoction in the freezer…it  will actually be a big help not having to worry about tomorrow’s supper!  And you know, there are some dishes that taste better with white eggs, not brown…”

The problem is as we said: a strong negative emotion will most likely generate a still stronger negative emotion. If it happens to you, will you be able to take one step back and direct your rational side to take charge, before hell breaks lose and everything spirals out of control?

In an upcoming post,  we’ll discuss this kind of situation further.  We’ll analyze the sad case of a hitherto happy and close family that was nearly ripped apart by anger,  see  how the situation could easily have been prevented  and what can still be done to repair the damaged relationships.

A responsible parent knows that it goes with the territory: the obligation to set limits, to draw a sharp defining line, when the occasion demands it, between what is permitted and what is forbidden.

But when you try to do that, do your children immediately launch into a trying negotiating process that test your endurance to the utmost?

Some kids love to respond to every little rule you want to lay down, to the most trivial request you make of them, with a challenge, a counter-proposal, or at best, a bid for a compromise. They may never stop doing this from morning to night.

If that description fits your child, or even if he or she is only an occasional offender,  it would be wise  to tread very carefully. In analyzing the dynamics at play here,  behavioral Jame Lehman, creator of the Total Transformation Program, makes an interesting analogy. He compares the mindset of the child to that of people playing the slot machines at the corner cafe or a casino.

Ultimately, the machine will take all their money. That’s what its owner put it there for. But if the machine would relieve them of everything right way, they would never go back. So what does it do?  It takes a little of their money, then gives some back, then takes more and gives a little back. Now and again,  players may even hit the jackpot, which only provides an incentive to keep on playing in the expectation of greater things to come.  A vain hope, but the machine has trained them well.

It’s the same with our kids, says Lehman.  They’re like gamblers.  Once we let them over-negotiate or wear us down (even if the end result is “no”), then our children never know if this time they’ll get lucky.  If they  don’t get their way this time, then maybe they will next time. At any rate, what have they to lose, so why not take a shot?

But the truth is, we are the one’s who train our kids to do that!

You tell your  precious son and heir,  who hasn’t the best reputation for punctuality, to be sure to be home, at least this once, by 7 pm for dinner. You have an important engagement at 8, and you want the table cleared and everything organized before you leave.

So your “little lawyer” tries his luck: “Aw, man, must I leave the game in the middle? Why not 7.30?  I’ll serve myself and wash up, I promise. I know where everything goes.”

You have several reasons why you don’t want that, and you’re not in the mood for explaining why. On the other hand, you can’t stand the whining any longer…

“OK”, you finally concede, resigning yourself to an inevitable mad dash to get to your meeting more or less on time..if you’re lucky! “Just see that you’re here at 7.15 - and not a second later!”

As Lehman points out: kids are going to test limits., that’s their job. What parents forget sometimes is that it’s their job to stand firm!

For a continually updated list of top-rate articles by James Lehman and his colleagues, see here. They represent some of the best advice on parenting and child behavior issues you’ll find anywhere.

Whether you’re addressing a meeting, interviewing for a job, meeting with a prospective client or trying to make a good impression in any other situation - people interpret what you say to them only partially from the words you use.

In all probability, they  are picking up a very big portion of your message (and all of the emotional nuance behind the words) from your nonverbal signals. Do the way you are standing or sitting,  your facial expressions, gestures, touch and use of space express enthusiasm, confidence and warmth, or arrogance, indifference and displeasure?

One thing is clear. Understanding body language is critical whether you are a chief executive officer, a first-line supervisor, or a candidate for president of the United States.

But unlike political candidates, most business and other people are oblivious to the impact of the nonverbal signals they send.

The first step to gaining a nonverbal advantage is awareness - and one way to increase awareness is to learn from experience. The good news is that it doesn’t always have to be your own experience!

In this regard, the recent TV debates in the USA between the candidates for president were, like most such encounters, especially enlightening. Learn here some powerful lessons - positive and negative - from the way Obama and McCain presented themselves, and how you can apply the lessons in your own professional or personal life.

So much has been written in recent years about emotional intelligence, that rather elusive human quality that impacts upon the bottom line in the workplace.  Emotional Intelligence Quotient, or EQ, is a term being heard more and more in human resources departments and even in executive board rooms.  From time to time, we hear stories like that of the highly capable young  CEO  in the banking industry who was forced to resign - his only shortcoming being poor emotional intelligence.

Fine. But what exactly is emotional intelligence?  Perhaps the clearest and simplest  definition I have seen is that of Maurice Schweitzer, a Management professor at Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania:

“Emotional Intelligence is the ability to recognize emotions and understand how they operate and also the ability to manipulate and change them. If I have emotional intelligence, I know what the right time to talk to my boss is. I know that my new partners had a terrible flight and lost their luggage and and aren’t going to be receptive to what I’m saying, so I shouldn’t make my pitch right now. Or I know that, if I take them to this particular restaurant or I buy tickets to this Indy car race, I can shift their emotional state to feeling more gratitude toward me and listening to me.”

Professor Schweitzer adds that skilled negotiators  tend to have high levels of this kind of aptitude, and they apply it in small subtle ways when they are doing their work. They might for example, during a particularly tense moment,  call for a break, go get a soda and also bring something back for the people on the other side of the table.

Schweitzer’s words appears in a Wharton report of research he conducted together with Francesca Gino of Carnegie Mellon University.

The study confirms what we probably already know: that one’s emotions at a particular point in time influence people’s receptiveness to advice. This applies even when the emotions have no link to the advice or the adviser.

And our moods and feelings may systematically distort not only our receptiveness to the information we are receiving, but also the  rationality of our reactions. For example, an investor may be angry about losing a bet on a ballgame and thus may underestimate the value of a stock recommended by an analyst. Another may be elated about the birth of a child and overestimate it.

See here for how I was once the “victim” of rather poor emotional intelligence, according to Schweitzer’s definition, on the part of a boss of mine - who was otherwise a very nice guy.  (I changed some details in the story, but the “Mr.Thompson” referred to was really me!)

We know it from Biblical sources as well as from our own experience; there’s a time for everything under the sun. That is, sometimes, or even most of the time, a specific action will be appropriate and productive, and at other times precisely the same action will be inappropriate and destructive.

A time to work and a time to play or rest, a time to laugh and a time to cry, a time to speak up and a time to remain silent, a time to make peace and yes, even a time to fight. And many other examples you can think of for yourself.

And…oh yes, for writers, a time to write and a time to refrain from writing.

Throughout history, people with the urge to write - except for an especially gifted or privileged minority - have been lonely folk. Creating a piece of literature - or to use current terminology, producing content - was one thing, but searching, often in vain, for some means to get it seen by a decent number of eyeballs was something else entirely.

And now? Now the wheel has turned full circle. The big dilemma is not struggling to find the tools for publication, but since the tools are so so readily accessible at such low cost and at the press of a button, now that I have them, how do I make full use of them?

The question is not “how do I find an audience for my creations?” but “how do I find creations for my audience?” I don’t think there’s a need to labor the point.

Given the current environment, it’s no surprise to see the appearance of a new automated service designed to serve “blog owners who want fresh, on-topic content but don’t have the time to search online everyday” for it. This is done by providing “hot-off-the-press, on-topic (human-reviewed) content based on the categories and/or keywords that are most important to you.” Any blogger who so desires merely has to install a small piece of software for syndicated material to appear on their blog everyday.

All, of course, without having to lift a finger.

Significantly, the content is supplied by authors who actually pay for the privilege of submitting their work, and who are provided with a “powerful tool to make it easy” for them to submit several versions of the same article, so that each subscribing blogger will receive “more unique content” (Can something be “more unique” than “unique”?)

I don’t want to enter into a detailed discussion on the merits or demerits of plastering the same information - in a world of consumers suffering terribly from information overload - on a million places all over the Web. Here at Hodu.com we do publish so-called “duplicate content” (on a much more limited basis now than in the past), but only when we believe our own typical site visitor might not find it easily elsewhere.

The bottom line must always be this: As a publisher, am I helping to bring clarity to the lives of my readers, or am I (gasp!) only creating confusion through extraneous background noise? Am I facilitating communication, or setting up communication barriers? Am I aiding the free flow of information, or am I actually hindering it?

An important article on our site deals with a common human failing: particularly when we feel uncomfortable in a work or social situation, we have a tendency to speak up for the sake of speaking up. We often see this at meetings. The author explains the benefits of resisting temptation and remaining silence at times,  as opposed to the dangers of putting in your two and a half cents worth in the hope of appearing intelligent.

Would that writers, site or blog owners,  “content producers” or whatever you want to call them, exercise the same restraint!

Perhaps…is it just remotely possible… that the Internet would be a better place?

Your comments please!

Once again, we are highlighting the features on Hodu.com - Your Gateway to Better Communication Skills that received the most visits during the last month. Following each direct link is a brief description.

Passive Aggressive Behavior and Workplace Anger

Passive aggressive behavior is one of the most common ways anger is displayed in the workplace. Because people fear retaliation for speaking up, or even fear for their jobs, anger goes deep and oozes out in unhealthy ways

Seven Ways to Stop Interrupting

It happens all day, every day. We see it on television interviews. We hear it on the radio. We experience it at home and at work. One person talking over the other person. Not letting people finish what they were saying. In short, interrupting!

Interrupting can cause a whole stream of problems and challenges. It reduces our effectiveness as a listener, negatively impacts relationships, shuts down communication, reduces our ability to learn and much more.

Icebreakers: The Niftiest Training Tool

If you’re looking for a training tool that will deliver the most benefits for the least effort… a tool that can be used in any number of training situations… and change the mood of a group in a second… all while delivering heaps of learning… then I think I can claim to have found it…
…Icebreakers!

Stand Your Ground With Manipulators!

Nobody likes being manipulated. And despite what manipulators may believe, the act of manipulation always has a diminishing outcome.

How to Deal With Conflict Avoiders

Some people with whom you relate have tremendous difficulty acknowledging and talking about negative feelings.

Because they want to keep the peace at any cost, they pretend everything is fine. They don’t want to rock the boat. As a result, underlying resentments can grow and eventually destroy working relationships as well as personal relationships.

High Time to Change Childish Conversation

Many adults use childish conversation styles some or all of the time. What are the most common types of childish speech, and what makes people talk that way?

Please use the Comments area to let me know what you think of these articles, or to suggest topics you’d like to see covered in the future. If you prefer, you can also contact me privately at azriel AT hodu.com.

Let’s say a close friend asks your opinion about an expensive dress she has just bought. You think the new outfit is stunning…on someone else. But the color doesn’t suit your friend so well. It’s not bad, mind you, but just that she could have done a little better.

Or maybe she wants to know whether she thinks she got a good deal on some new electronic appliance. And you just happened to pass by a store yesterday where the same item was advertised for 15% cheaper. In both cases - the garment and the gadget - you know there’s no way now she can return the item for refund for exchange.

So now…what do you say to your friend?  The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Or in this case, will you be prepared to bend the “truth” (not my deliberate use of quotation marks) a little so that your friend can feel good?

Let’s now turn to the world of business. Let’s say a department store somewhere puts out a big sign that reads: “Buy now! Sale ends tomorrow.”

Brad Shorr of Word Sell, Inc takes a close look at this statement  on his blog.  The “latest buzzword in corporate communication,” he writes, is transparency. Fine, but what exactly is meant by the term? If by “transparent” we mean “clear”, then “By now! Sale ends tomorrow” is a transparent statement.  It is clear and unambiguous - and yes, it may even be true!

But what would you say if what the store really means is: “Buy now! We’re deep in debt and plan to file for bankruptcy before the end of the month”? Schorr points out that most people would no longer agree that the original statement is “transparent”, because in the minds of most, the real meaning of “transparency” is sincerity.

Now we have a different ball game, because sincerity doesn’t admit degrees. Lying to the market is insincere. But telling partial truths is also insincere! Schorr quotes the philosopher Thomas Merton, from his book “No Man is an Island”:

“In the end the problem of sincerity is a problem of love. A sincere man is not so much one who sees the truth and manifests it as he sees it, but one who loves the truth with pure love. But thruth is more than an abstraction. It lives and is embodied in men and things that are real. And the secret of sincerity is, therefore, not to be sought in a philosophical ove for abstract truth, but in a love fore real people and real things…”

Heady words. But here we have the key to everything that is good, or that can be good, in human relationships.

More in upcoming posts.