Our emotional state at any particular moment affects our actions, not only in the present but also in the immediate future, in many different ways. We explained at length in How to Build Relationships That Stick how some external stimulus that makes us feel angry, disappointed, irritable or extremely frustrated, can give rise to a mood or state of mind that lasts for several hours, days, or even more.

What’s worse is that emotional stress often does not remain at its initial level. It may escalate in intensity, without warning and so quickly that the “victim” can feel he is losing control – and sometimes so rapidly he may not even be aware of it. This is sometimes  referred to very descriptively as “the spiral effect”. Perhaps an even more appropriate term would be the “one-thing-leads-to-another syndrome.”

We often see or hear of, for example, an incident like the following: While driving, Jack swerves to avoid a dog that suddenly appears from nowhere and shoots into the middle of the road. George, who is driving close behind and did not see the dog, brakes quickly but doesn’t manage to avoid contact with Jack’s car altogether. Both cars have a small dent. George yells at Jack, a slinging match ensues, and Jack gets so heated up that he even forgets to mention about the dog! The two men exchange insurance information and go on their way, but with blood pressures that remain elevated for who knows how long. Both are managers, and I feel sorry for any of their subordinates who get in their way. And as for their poor wives…

Another kind of scenario – different in origin but with very similar results – is also, unfortunately, far too common. Let’s say Peter needs a favor from his good friend, Paul. Paul says yes of course, he’ll be happy to do it. He’s overwhelmed with work right now, but just give a few days, and it will be done.

Time passes and Peter doesn’t hear from Paul. Chances are high that under the pressures of daily life (he did say he was overwhelmed) the matter has simply slipped Paul’s mind. But instead of contacting Paul to very gently jog his memory, Peter’s imagination begins to work overtime.

A year or so ago, Paul invited Peter to a party. Unfortunately, Peter had a prior engagement and had to decline. “Now,” fantasises Peter, “he’s taking his revenge on me because I didn’t attend his party. And to think I always considered him a friend of mine…”
If only Peter would take the trouble to lift the telephone and make a simple enquiry. But now Peter won’t even look at Paul and Paul doesn’t understand why…

And how often does a man forget his wife’s birthday or their wedding anniversary (not that we’re condoning his carelessness) with the poor  woman immediately making the erroneous assumption that her husband no longer loves her?

Far too often imaginations working overtime, the simple failure to verify facts and the all too human tendency to jump to conclusions result in the best of relationships ending up in ruins.

Azriel Winnett is the author of the highly acclaimed, eye-opening book How to Build Relationships That Stick. An enhanced edition is now available as a paperback.