We either love or hate - depending, I guess, on our own status in the family - funny stories about the proverbial irritating and meddlesome mother-in-law. Well, I want to tell you a story about a mother-in-law, but one who is hardly a fitting target for ridicule. (I’ve changed some details, but this is based on events that actually occurred).
Yes, this is a tale of tension between a woman and her son-in-law, who, by all accounts, is a good husband to her daughter. Of course, there are always two sides to every story, and we’re surely in no position to say of either party that he or she is entirely free of blame. To be sure, it can rarely be appropriate for an outsider to pass judgment in a dispute involving other parties.
But what we can say with conviction is that the mother-in-law of our little saga deserves our admiration and praise,, and we’ll see why.
Alice Alexander and her daughter, Tessa, had always been very close. Alice and her husband had been thrilled when Tessa found Jake, the young man of her dreams. After the wedding, the close relationship between mother and daughter continued. At the same time, Alice, by nature a person sensitive to the needs of others, tried to be careful to respect her daughter’s new status as a married woman, to give her husband the honor due to him, and not to say or do anything that might cause offence to either of them.
Imagine Alice’s shock when Jake and Tessa paid an unexpected visit one evening, and after the usual exchange of pleasantries, suddenly announced:
“Look Mom, there’s something that’s been bothering both Tessa and I for some time, and we decided together to come straight out and tell you: you’re coming to visit a little too much and it’s disturbing us. No doubt you mean well and want to help, but we can manage just fine on our own. Our request is this: please don’t ever visit our house again unless we ask you to come…”
| Alice turned a deathly white and barely managed to glance at her daughter |
Alice turned a deathly white and barely managed to glance at Tessa, who nodded meekly in assent but averted her eyes. Her mother wasn’t fooled. Clearly Tessa was not really in agreement with her husband’s biting comments and bizarre demand.
Turning to Jake, Alice said simply: “I really don’t understand. But I’ve always respected you and will respect your wishes now.”
From that point on, things were never quite the same in the Alexander family. Alice tried as best she could to adjust to the new reality. Mother and daughter remained in frequent contact, but with rare exceptions, only by telephone, and Alice would call only when Jake wasn’t likely to be at home.
One morning, a very anxious Tessa called her mother. She wasn’t feeling well at all, she explained, and especially since a baby was on the way, she didn’t want to take any chances. She knew Jake had a very important business meeting that day and he wouldn’t like to be disturbed. Would her mother have time to accompany her to the doctor?
Late that evening, the phone rang in the Alexander household. Jake was on the line.
“Mom, what’s the matter with you?” he ranted. “A guy’s wife gets sick, and her own husband isn’t entitled to know? What right have you to go with my wife to the doctor, leaving me completely in the dark? Whoever heard of such a crazy thing!”
Alice opened her mouth momentarily and was about to let loose with heaps of pent-up rage. But instead, she bit her lip. And kept quiet.
Things hardly got better when the baby finally arrived. Who asked Alice to give instructions to the nursing home staff? Why did she bring Tessa’s younger sisters to see the baby without clearing with the baby’s father first? How dare she do this, but why didn’t she do that? And she calls herself a mother! What is the world coming to!
Shortly after Tessa arrived home with her baby, Alice paid the two of them a visit - this time , without the required permit from you-know-who!
“Tell me,” asked Alice, ” and be honest with me. Does your husband ever talk to you the way he talks to me?”
“No, never” was the emphatic reply. “Mom, of course I’m sorry that we don’t see each other more often, but you can believe me, I’m happy…”
Alice knew her daughter well enough to understand she was telling the truth. And as far as Alice was concerned, that’s all she needed to know.
True, Jake’s relentless tongue-lashings had hurt her deeply, but her personal feelings were of no consequence. if Jake and Tessa’s relationship, the peace and harmony in the family, were at stake, she was happy to remain quiet. She wasn’t about to rock the boat if there was any chance it might be at the expense of that harmony. Nothing else really mattered.
Did Alice do the right thing? One could argue both ways. But although it took a long time, Jake ultimately came round to showing some remorse for his treatment of his devoted mother-in-law. He eventually apologized for humiliating her by his impulsive outbursts over the years, which, he explained, were only caused by his highly-strung temperament and acute concern for the welfare his beloved wife.
What can we learn from all this? Self-control and the exercise of restraint even in the face of extreme provocation is usually a sign of strength, not weakness. And a wise person is one pulls back from responding impulsively in any situation, but rather carefully weighs up the consequences of his or her actions.
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