When Dr Carol Kinsey Goman, author of the THE NONVERBAL ADVANTAGE-Secret and Science of  Body Language at Work (and various training programs on this topic) hears someone mention “empathy”, she thinks of mirror neurons and body language? And monkeys. A strange combination, so what’s the connection?

Dr Goman writes about a research laboratory in Italy where neuroscientists were studying the brain cells of macaque monkeys. When the monkeys performed a single highly specific hand action, sophisticated monitoring equipment detected that neurons in the motor cortex of the animals’ brains become very active. For example, every time a monkey reached for a peanut, certain brain cells immediately “fired”.

Then one day, by chance, the reseachers discovered something particularly interesting. A monkey connected to the monitoring device happened to see a human grab a peanut. The same neurons fired in the same way! In terms of motor cell activity, the monkey’s brain could not tell the difference between actually doing something and seeing it done by someone else.

In other words, these brain cells reflected the actions that the monkey observed in others,  which is why the researchers dubbed them “mirror neurons”.

What is fascinating is not only that later experiments confirmed that these same neurons  exist in humans, but in addition to mirroring actions, the human brain cells also reflected sensations and feelings!

In one study , subjects watched a hand move forward to caress  someone else and then saw another hand push it away rudely. The brains of the subjects registered the pain of social rejection as if it were happening to them. Why? Because empathizing with someone, whether in grief or joy, apparently activates the very same circuits in your own brain as your companion who experienced the original emotion! Mirror neurons are well named indeed.

In her training programs on nonverbal literacy,  Goman  describes  “empathy ” as “the human ability to internalize the emotional state of others by  simply observing their body language.  The moment you become aware of a strong emotion felt by someone in your immediate environment – whether you can see it on the face or read it in the person’s gestures or bodily posture –   you begin,  however subconsciously, to place yourself in that person’s mental shoes, to get under their skin,  so to speak.

Before you know it, you are experiencing  the identical emotion, feeling your companion’s happiness,  excitement, confusion or  disappointment  as if it were your own.

And that, after all, is what empathy – genuine empathy, in the heart, not on the sleeve – is all about.

We’ve all been in situations where an interaction with another person turns out nasty. Sometimes, we already know before we initiate an encounter that it’s likely to be a rough ride.   Other times, we have no forewarning.

 We’re shaken to the core when when in all innocence we engage  a fellow  human being  in what we intended to be a friendly conversation, which slowly or quickly deterorates into anything but.  To our chagrin, we’ve become the butt of the other party’s anger, or the bouncing board for one or more of a whole range of  powerful but negative emotions.  

Perhaps we have become the target of fury because our protagonist believes – with or without justification – that we have caused offence.  Or possibly, we have become a convenient puchbag or whipping boy merely because we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time.      

In a blog post aptly entitled Without Words, What Are You Telling the World?, Kare raises a question that deserves our close attention: “How well do you anticipate another person’s discomfort before that person freezes up and becomes paralyzed, withdrawn or even destructive in a situation?” 

She procceds to enumerate some early warning signs of increased emotional intensity:

Sweating:  Might indicate an increase in some emotional feeling.

Blinking more:  Might indicate an increase in some emotional feeling.

Dilated pupils:  Often indicates arousal or fear.

Blushing:  Might signal embarrassment, shame, anger, or guilt.

Talking louder and faster:  Usually signals anger, fear, or other excitement.

Talking slower and softer:  Might signal sadness or boredom.

Body gesturing:  Signals a negative emotion, usually fear or anger.

Breathing fast and shallow: Indicates the presence of emotion. 

As Kare points out, too often we’re either not attuned to recognizing signs of strong emotion in other, or we misread the signals. So it will pay us to look out for these signs when speaking to to others. And of course – and this might be a lot harder – to learn in recognize them in ourselves!  

The entire piece is well worth a very careful read.

In all probability, they  are picking up a very big portion of your message (and all of the emotional nuance behind the words) from your nonverbal signals. Do the way you are standing or sitting,  your facial expressions, gestures, touch and use of space express enthusiasm, confidence and warmth, or arrogance, indifference and displeasure?

One thing is clear. Understanding body language is critical whether you are a chief executive officer, a first-line supervisor, or a candidate for president of the United States.

But unlike political candidates, most business and other people are oblivious to the impact of the nonverbal signals they send.

The first step to gaining a nonverbal advantage is awareness – and one way to increase awareness is to learn from experience. The good news is that it doesn’t always have to be your own experience!

In this regard, the recent TV debates in the USA between the candidates for president were, like most such encounters, especially enlightening. Learn here some powerful lessons – positive and negative – from the way Obama and McCain presented themselves, and how you can apply the lessons in your own professional or personal life.

Perfect the Art of Asking!

A key part of getting what you want is knowing how to ask for it. And, there are various ideas and strategies that are important in making certain you express yourself clearly and persuasively. Here are nine rules to bear in mind that will help you perfect “The Art of Asking.”

Two Minute Attitude Assessment

Your attitude to life and its challenges is crucial in determining your success in your career or in meeting personal objectives. Moreover, people with poor life attitudes may find it difficult to sustain good personal or professional relationships. This short test and the detailed commentary will give you a good idea of where you stand.

How to Comfortably Connect With Your Conversation Partner

Your attitude is critical when you approach people to engage them in conversation because it gets reflected in your facial expressions, voice, and body movements as well as your words. Learn the key aspects of a winning attitude for connecting with others and building trust and liking.

What You Say Without Speaking

Beware! Precisely at times when it’s most important for you, the nonverbal signals your body sends out may directly contradict the positive impression you’re trying so hard to make. Here’s how to prepare yourself for that crucial job interview, presentation, date or other significant occasion.

How to Appear Confident and Assertive in an Interview

When the job description calls for a high degree of self-confidence and aggressiveness (in a positive sense), how do you show your potential employers that you really do have what it takes?

Conversation Games: Practice Your Skills While Having Fun!

Just for the fun of it during the holidays or at any time, you might enjoy trying some conversation games. Here are a few easy ones

Please use the Comments area to let me know what you think of these articles, or to suggest topics you’d like to see covered in the future. If you prefer, you can also contact me privately at azriel AT hodu.com.

The most perfunctory online search will yield literally millions of items written or presented by people with varying degrees of expertise or non-expertise, approaching the subject from various angles and with many different objectives. But notwithstanding all the variety, it seems there’s a common denominator underlying more than 90% of all this material.

It’s simply this: in almost all cases, the underlying goal is to enable you, the consumer of the content, to use your newly acquired knowledge of body language or non-verbal communication to influence another person or other people in some way or other.

You could be a salesperson keen to learn what your prospects are really thinking and how they are genuinely feeling, to be in a better position to convince them to purchase your product.  Or, for whatever reason,  you want to control a certain individual or group of people, to persuade them to submit to your will in some way.

So what do you do?  Well, the solution is simple, you think to yourself. You just rush to find some instruction in body language.

If that’s all we do with what we’ve learned on the subject,  that’s awfully sad. Really.

Let’s say that every morning at 8 a.m. you catch a bus to work from the same stop. Invariably, a neighbor from the other end of the street waits at the same stop.  You don’t know him well and probably don’t have very much in common with him, but the two of you always greet each other and politely inquire after each other’s welfare.

One morning, you say “Good morning, how are you today?” and he responds with his customary  “Oh, fine, very well  thank you.”   But a quick look at  his  facial expression and body posture makes you suspect that he’s far from “fine” or  “very well.” ( I mean, after the two and a half articles you read on the Web yesterday, you’re an expert on body language, aren’t you?)

Perhaps the guy is afflicted  with a  rather severe dose of ‘flu,  or even something  far worse,  but nonetheless, he’s on his way to the office out of fear of losing a client, losing his job, or to attend to something urgent…  Or perhaps, he’s not actually ill physically (not yet),  but although he’s  traveling to work now, he’s due to be  retrenched within a few days from the company he has served  loyally and faithfully  for 20 years.  At this point,  he’s almost paralyzed  with anxiety  over how he’s going to feed his family.

It’s not hard to imagine how a few well-chosen words of comfort, even if nothing else,  could make all the difference to this poor man’s day.

Whether  your “subject” is a fellow commuter on the bus or train,  a stranger standing in line with you at the post office or bank, the cashier at the supermarket checkout, that nice old lady or even grumpy old man who lives next door…your skill in interpreting physical cues can indeed make a tremendous difference  in someone’s life.

And the interesting thing is, if you’re sincerely interested in others,  you can develop your sensitivity  to the point where sometimes you won’t even need the physical, overt signs. Your instinct and gut feeling will be enough to tell you when someone needs your help.

Now, that’s a level well worth working towards.