When Dr Carol Kinsey Goman, author of the THE NONVERBAL ADVANTAGE-Secret and Science of  Body Language at Work (and various training programs on this topic) hears someone mention “empathy”, she thinks of mirror neurons and body language? And monkeys. A strange combination, so what’s the connection?

Dr Goman writes about a research laboratory in Italy where neuroscientists were studying the brain cells of macaque monkeys. When the monkeys performed a single highly specific hand action, sophisticated monitoring equipment detected that neurons in the motor cortex of the animals’ brains become very active. For example, every time a monkey reached for a peanut, certain brain cells immediately “fired”.

Then one day, by chance, the reseachers discovered something particularly interesting. A monkey connected to the monitoring device happened to see a human grab a peanut. The same neurons fired in the same way! In terms of motor cell activity, the monkey’s brain could not tell the difference between actually doing something and seeing it done by someone else.

In other words, these brain cells reflected the actions that the monkey observed in others,  which is why the researchers dubbed them “mirror neurons”.

What is fascinating is not only that later experiments confirmed that these same neurons  exist in humans, but in addition to mirroring actions, the human brain cells also reflected sensations and feelings!

In one study , subjects watched a hand move forward to caress  someone else and then saw another hand push it away rudely. The brains of the subjects registered the pain of social rejection as if it were happening to them. Why? Because empathizing with someone, whether in grief or joy, apparently activates the very same circuits in your own brain as your companion who experienced the original emotion! Mirror neurons are well named indeed.

In her training programs on nonverbal literacy,  Goman  describes  “empathy ” as “the human ability to internalize the emotional state of others by  simply observing their body language.  The moment you become aware of a strong emotion felt by someone in your immediate environment – whether you can see it on the face or read it in the person’s gestures or bodily posture –   you begin,  however subconsciously, to place yourself in that person’s mental shoes, to get under their skin,  so to speak.

Before you know it, you are experiencing  the identical emotion, feeling your companion’s happiness,  excitement, confusion or  disappointment  as if it were your own.

And that, after all, is what empathy – genuine empathy, in the heart, not on the sleeve – is all about.

Or let’s take a setting very far removed from the office: we’ve just arrived at the resort hotel for the vacation we’ve been dreaming of all year. But on the way we were flagged down and ticketed  for exceeding the speed limit. Or, we find that the room we reserved is not ready yet and we’re forced to wait, tired and hungry, in a crowded and drafty reception lounge for an hour and a half.

Now, let’s take out our imaginary “emotion meter” and take a reading of our mood or state of mind during the rest of the day at the office, or the first few days of our vacation.

Our boss’s momentary rudeness (or at least we perceived it as such) is in the past. He may even have apologized, or we may have realized that it was really our fault.  Or the minor discomfort we had to endure on the first day of our vacation didn’t last much longer than sixty minutes.  Great! So why are we making so many mistakes on the job, and why was our lazy day on the sun-drenched beach…well, yes, a lot of fun,  but…not quite as much fun as it was last year?

To be sure, our emotional state at any particular moment affects  our actions, present and immediate future, in so many different ways, and I mentioned some of them in my recent post on defining emotional intelligence. Yet unfortunately, that’s often not the end of the story.

It’s bad enough when some external stimulus, whatever it is, make us feel angry, or disappointed, or irritable, or extremely frustrated, and  so gives rise to a mood or state of mind that can last for several hours, days, or even weeks.

What’s worse is that our emotional state often doesn’t just remain at its initial level. It may escalate in intensity, without warning,  so quickly  that the person feels he is losing control (or sometimes he may not even feel it!). I have seen this referred to  very descriptively as “the spiral effect.” Perhaps an even more appropriate term would be the “one-thing-leads-to-another syndrome.”

Jack and Jill’s little tiff: how they erred

Let’s use our now famous (!!) imaginary couple, Jack and Jill,  to cite a simple and familiar example from everyday life.

After a business meeting had finished sooner than anticipated, Jack calls Jill mid afternoon to tell her that he will be arriving home earlier than usual. Of course, Jill is pleased, and asks him if she could save her a trip by stopping off at the neighborhood supermarket on the way to pick up a few things.  She rattles off the items she wants, and assures Jack that though she might not be at home when he comes,  she’ll be back soon.

Jack arrives home with the goods.  Jill isn’t back yet. He was pleased to help  because he figures Jill must be exhausted  after an especially busy day. Then he has a brainwave: why not help even more by cooking some supper?  So he takes some noodles and eggs and a few other small items from the bag he’s just brought and begins to cook up a dish he knows Jill is fond of.

The pot on the stove is almost ready when Jill walks in.  She ambles over to the stove, opens the pot nervously, and lets out a scream.  A real scream.

“Hey, Jack, have you gone out of your mind?  Are those the noodles you bought? I especially needed them for the meal I promised to take to my sick friend tomorrow. I wanted to use the leftovers from Sunday lunch for supper tonight…now I’ll just have to throw them out. And by the way, you bonehead, you now I always buy brown eggs, not white ones. Can’t you think for once in your life?”

Jack, who just two minutes ago was expecting to be showered with praise for his thoughtfulness,  is overtaken at first with with a numb feeling.   A rather bland, seemingly harmless, sensation.  But the numbness quickly turns to bewilderment, which in turn converts into anger.

And unfortunately, anger breeds more anger. Jack storms out of the kitchen, leaving a badly burned culinary creation to go up in smoke.  And a lovely young couple hardly speaking to each other for several days.

What should Jack have done – while his emotions were still reasonably under control?  First and foremost,  he should have kept reminding himself of his   original intention, what he had set out to achieve in the first place.  If making things easier for his wife was his first priority,  then by definition, that took precedence over a wounded pride or temporary feeling of disquiet!

He might have said: “Look Jill, I’m sorry, but let’s see what we can do; losing our cool won’t get us anywhere.  I’ll pop back to the store to get some more noodles, or maybe I can borrow from our neighbor. Perhaps we could…”

For Jill’s  part, some quick thinking  before Jack’s stormy exit would surely have helped.  “Jack,” she might have said,  “I know you only wanted to help me.  I’m sorry I lost my flap…I must be overtired, I guess. You know what – let’s put your concoction in the freezer…it  will actually be a big help not having to worry about tomorrow’s supper!  And you know, there are some dishes that taste better with white eggs, not brown…”

The problem is as we said: a strong negative emotion will most likely generate a still stronger negative emotion. If it happens to you, will you be able to take one step back and direct your rational side to take charge, before hell breaks lose and everything spirals out of control?

In an upcoming post,  we’ll discuss this kind of situation further.  We’ll analyze the sad case of a hitherto happy and close family that was nearly ripped apart by anger,  see  how the situation could easily have been prevented  and what can still be done to repair the damaged relationships.

Fine. But what exactly is emotional intelligence?  Perhaps the clearest and simplest  definition I have seen is that of Maurice Schweitzer, a Management professor at Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania:

“Emotional Intelligence is the ability to recognize emotions and understand how they operate and also the ability to manipulate and change them. If I have emotional intelligence, I know what the right time to talk to my boss is. I know that my new partners had a terrible flight and lost their luggage and and aren’t going to be receptive to what I’m saying, so I shouldn’t make my pitch right now. Or I know that, if I take them to this particular restaurant or I buy tickets to this Indy car race, I can shift their emotional state to feeling more gratitude toward me and listening to me.”

Professor Schweitzer adds that skilled negotiators  tend to have high levels of this kind of aptitude, and they apply it in small subtle ways when they are doing their work. They might for example, during a particularly tense moment,  call for a break, go get a soda and also bring something back for the people on the other side of the table.

Schweitzer’s words appears in a Wharton report of research he conducted together with Francesca Gino of Carnegie Mellon University.

The study confirms what we probably already know: that one’s emotions at a particular point in time influence people’s receptiveness to advice. This applies even when the emotions have no link to the advice or the adviser.

And our moods and feelings may systematically distort not only our receptiveness to the information we are receiving, but also the  rationality of our reactions. For example, an investor may be angry about losing a bet on a ballgame and thus may underestimate the value of a stock recommended by an analyst. Another may be elated about the birth of a child and overestimate it.

See here for how I was once the “victim” of rather poor emotional intelligence, according to Schweitzer’s definition, on the part of a boss of mine – who was otherwise a very nice guy.  (I changed some details in the story, but the “Mr.Thompson” referred to was really me!)

Next, hasten to explain to your partner that of course, you didn’t  mean what you said – your were just joking, or if you like, you were conducting an experiment. Ask her to describe how she felt when you called her an “idiot” (or any other term of contempt you chose to use.)  Doubtless, the reply will be “Awful!”

Then, assuming she’s a person deeply attuned to her own feelings (to be sure, not everyone is), ask if she felt better after you explained you hadn’t been serious.

Very likely, of course, she’ll say that she was a lot relieved. But if she’s honest, she might well tell you that deep down she still feels a certain amount of emotional pain. Pain that didn’t completely dissipate even after accepting (at least on an intellectual level) your assurance that you didn’t mean it.

As one husband once commented: “Whenever my wife hurls an abusive epithet at me – even I know she’s only doing it because she’s under great stress – something inside me always dies…”

Here we’re talking about a case where the target of verbal abuse knows it’s just an act, or maybe he can even sense that although it appears to be an attack against him, the attacker is really shouting at himself! How much more, then, does the victim suffer when she knows that an unfortunate choice of words (to put it in the most charitable way) directed against her is unquestionably intended!

The power of speech, for good or evil, a power almost impossible to over-estimate,  has been the subject of untold volumes and discourses. Yet as much as we pay lip service to this truth, somehow we find it extremely difficult to internalize it.  It just could be that this little story, a remarkable true incident, may help a little towards this end.

Sharon Smith was in her early teens and had everything going for her. She was extremely popular  among her classmates and teachers alike,  was considered  “the life of the party”, and was an outstanding student.

Then her troubles began.  True,  she continued to be well-liked after the episode she regarded as a turning point, and other than her own family and her closest friends, few in the outside world  may  have noticed any change in her at all.  But deep down inside, the change was quite dramatic, and by her own testimony, the effects of the “curse,” as she sometimes called it, were to remain with her many years later.

Bambi was known as the clown of the class.  Slightly eccentric but full of fun (and with the proverbial skin as thick as an elephant’s hide), she could always be relied upon to lift sagging spirits.

One day,  during the recess following a particularly demanding class test, Bambi announced. “Come on girls, I’m a fortune teller. Let me read your palms and I’ll tell you what’s in store for you once we’re all out of this place!”  Her classmates  gathered around Bambi gleefully, extending their palms.

“You, Suzie, will graduate with honors as a lawyer. You, Jane, will be a CEO. You, Pam, will marry a millionaire…You will be a diplomat in a foreign country…”  The girls chuckled with delight.

Finally it was Sharon’s turn. By this time, Bambi probably realized that in order to retain “credibility”, she had better mix in a couple of less possible forecasts too!

Bambi thought for a moment, looked Sharon up and down and announced: “The same thing that happened to Gertie McQueen will happen to you!”

Ever since the girls had been in kindergarten, Gertie McQueen had been the undisputed genius of the class. Then, about two years previously, she had suddenly starting acting very strangely. Each day her conduct had become stranger and stranger,  ultimately leading to a complete mental breakdown. She had been in and out of hospital ever since.

Everybody, Sharon included, enjoyed a good laugh, apparently forgetting that it wasn’t so nice to make jokes at the expense of a poor girl who had lost her mind.

That night, Sharon didn’t sleep much, and the little sleep she did get was punctuated by nightmares. In point of fact, it was the start of one long nightmare that has been plaguing her ever since.

If she slept,  ran the dark thought at the back of Sharon’s mind, would she wake up crazy?  It was a thought that was to give her no rest in the days, weeks and months that lay ahead. She was forced to stay home from school for a few days, claiming that she didn’t feel well. Well, in a very real sense, she certainly  wasn’t well. Not by a long shot.

Eventually,  Sharon forced herself to return to school, but nothing was really the same again.  She  had to keep telling herself that she must hold on to her sanity at all costs.  She felt powerless to stop the incessant, anxious thoughts that were twirling around in her head, which she was convinced would burst open any second!

Before too long,  her closest friends began to notice that Sharon was under stress, although they didn’t suspect any connection with the fortune-telling session.  Eventually, one of them managed to persuade Sharon to confide in her.  The friend tried her very best to reassure the hapless Sharon, and all else having failed, urged her to consult a psychologist.

The sessions at the psychologist did help a great deal,  and she learned to  keep her anxiety under control and carry on with normal life. But there was just no way she could totally shake off those dark thoughts that had taken a such a firm grip on the recesses of her mind.

Today, Sharon runs a successful business and is the proud mother of a lovely family. But ever so often, she is overcome with anxiety attacks that virtually put her out of action for a short while.

Do you think that the words that come out of your mouth, once spoken, just disappear into thin air? If so, it’s high time to think again. Very carefully.

And even if your words are only part of a game!

But regardless of the intention, when we’re hurt, we’re hurt! And of course, when the one causing the hurt is someone with whom we enjoy a close relationship, we feel it even more.

At the same time, as mature and responsible adults, we may feel we have no choice but to take the initiative to mend the relationship – even though we’re the innocent party (or so we believe), and taking such initiative really goes against the grain. We may also come to the conclusion, however hard it may be,  that our very first step in such a process must be to find place in our heart to forgive our adversary, or at least, to let go of our rights.

Of course, that’s not always as easy as it sounds, and long, long after you’ve outwardly forgiven the other guy, and even if, as far as the outside world can see, a full reconciliation has apparently taken place, who knows what’s still cooking deep inside your heart?

As you know, I love telling stories, and embedded in this little tale are some  timely lessons on our topic. (It really happened, too, although, as usual, I’ve changed the names and some minor details.)

Paul MacArthur was a young house painter. He had taken up that trade not long previously and didn’t feel experienced enough yet to take on big jobs, but he still made quite a decent living on small assignments, usually just two or three rooms every time. One day he had a call from a first-time client who wanted him to  repaint just one room  in his house.  Paul  froze to the spot with shock, and his whole body began to shiver  when he recognized both the voice and the name at the other end of the line.

Who was this man, and why, in the space of a second,  had he caused an elevation in Paul’s blood pressure to almost double its normal level?  To answer that, we have to go back to Paul’s days in high school.  These  should have been the happiest days of his life.  But one very small incident had cast such a cloud of the whole period that Paul would shudder every time someone as much as mentioned the word “school.”

One day,  an unidentified pupil had misbehaved badly in class, and in a fit of rage, the teacher had hastily assumed Paul to be the source of the trouble.  In full view  of his classmates and before he could say a word in his defense, Paul had been given such a whacking that it took several weeks to fully recover.  From the physical wound, that is. As for the emotional scars, they seemed destined to remain with him for the rest of his life.

As you guessed, Paul’s prospective client happened to be that teacher,   who doubtlessly had long forgotten both the  incident and the name of  the  student on whom he had inflicted so much plain.  Paul was in a spot, for the last thing he wanted was to do a job for this man. He had an idea: he would quote double his normal fee, and then surely,  the offer would be politely declined and he would never hear from his tormentor again.

As expected, the man expressed surprise at the figure quoted and rang off, but he called again 20 minutes later  with the news:  “You’re darned expensive, but OK, I’ll take you this time.”  As reluctant as he was to work for a man he hated, Paul had little choice but to agree.

This was one assignment Paul certainly did not enjoy, but at least he would be pocketing double what the job was really worth!  And when it was all over,  Paul surprised himself by feeling that he hated his former teacher just a wee bit less.

A couple of months later,  that same man called again,  and announced that he had been very satisfied with Paul’s immaculate work, and could he please find time  to  come and do a couple of more rooms that very badly needed a fresh coat of paint.   Again, Paul quoted an exorbitant price, again the offer was “reluctantly” accepted, and again Paul found that the deep resentment in his heart had receded ever so minutely.

The process repeated itself several times over the next couple of years. First, it was some new extensions to the teacher’s house, then the houses of his grown-up children, then his brother-in-law’s factory.  Each time, Paul charged his “special” fee, and each time he felt his deep-rooted anger decreasing a little bit more.  Then, on the next occasion, he did a complete flip-flop and offered a 50% discount on his standard fee!

The moment he completed that last job, his client came over to him, pushed the agreed payment into his hand, and whispered in his ear: “Thank you, Paul, for agreeing to work from me.”

Paul was so taken aback that he almost collapsed on the spot.  So the former school teacher had recognized him all along?

“Yes,” explained his client. “You  see,  the wicked way I treated you that day in school has been haunting me for years.  But I knew that I had hurt you so badly  that if I merely approached you and begged  your forgiveness,  there was no way you could have done it with a full heart. So I hit on this plan of engaging your services,  realizing what your conditions would probably be, and I was hoping that little by little, your heart might start melting…”

Well, not only did Paul forgive with a full heart, but the two men became close friends, and after his former teacher and client’s passing some years later, Paul even helped the man’s children when they were in financial difficulties.

Yes, the process of forgiveness works wonders when it comes to healing very deep emotional wounds.  And when the festering sore just refuses to be healed, the one who caused the injury in the first instance  often has the remedy in his hands.  It  just takes a  lot of will and courage to use it.