Why, then, do we so often throw all admonishments to the winds and simply let ourselves go when that “meeting” takes place over the phone?

It could be a simple telephone call to ask a friend or acquaintance – or more critically – a stranger to ask a small favor, a call to a prospective employer to arrange an interview, a call to a prospective client or customer, or whatever. The potential to have all our hopes dashed in the space of few seconds is the same.

Singapore-based business coach Heather Hansen has written an excellent article on telephone etiquette that will be useful not only in the kind of make-or-break situations referred to above but even during the most routine telephone conversations. Heather discusses five common areas where people are wont to make blunders during the course of a phone call.

What is significant is that all these cases have a common denominator. In each one of them, the errors described, with their potentially damaging consequences, could have been avoided had the callers tried to put themselves in the shoes of the party they were calling.

Personally, I can identify closely with the writer’s description of the person who calls you to make a request and doesn’t identify himself properly: “Hello, this is John! John! You know…John! So how are you doing? I wanted to ask you if…”

Now, I don’t usually spend my day sitting idle, and chances are that when “John” calls I’m in the middle of a task that requires some degree of concentration. I could even be busy writing this post. Not that I resent being interrupted, especially if someone needs my help. And no one compelled me to pick up the phone.

But while I’m more than happy if I can help John with whatever he needs (A burden? No way, it’s a privilege!), my thoughts are probably very far away at the moment I receive that call. Mentally, I might be on a different planet. Now even if John assumes (as we said, probably correctly), that I forgive the interruption, some empathy with where I might be holding at this point might be in order.

The first problem, of course, is that I may know dozens of Johns. But even if he says at the outset “John Williams”, he knows as well as I do that we haven’t seen each other for several months or even years, and he’s not likely to be a person that I’m thinking about all the time. Since, until a few seconds ago, my mind was immersed in other things, I’m now required to switch gears fast.

And since, (sigh!), I’m getting on in years and am no longer (if I ever was!) as quick on the uptake as John and others may believe I am, any help he can give me in re-orientating myself would help me to be in a position to help him faster!

Therefore something like: “Hi, Azriel. This is John Williams . We might last February at the seminar in such-and-such a place and we were discussing such-and-such a topic,” would certainly be a more welcome introduction.

As we said, whenever you pick up the phone to make a call, try to put yourself in the shoes of the one you’re calling and you can’t go far wrong.

For more in-depth information on telephone etiquette, telemarketing and communicating via the phone in general, consult this section of our web site.

This is the view of Microsoft’s unified communications manager Mark Deakin, as reported in The Times recently.

Yes, he says, for sure we’re becoming savvier every day in terms of applying IT, but our appreciation of the subtleties of each technology stills lags behind. And confusion over which method is appropriate for each business task is widespread.

By way of citing just one or two examples of many unanticipated but common pitfalls, Deakin points out that humor and sarcasm can very easily be misconstrued in e-mails. So can potentially ambiguous abbreviations. (What do the letters LOL stand for? “Laughing Out Loud”, or “Lots of Love”?)

Penny Edge, managing director of the Finishing Academy, which teamed up with Microsoft to produce a list of the Top Ten do’s and don’ts of electronic messaging , warns us that the cardinal rules of remote communication – to be brief and be businesslike – are being consistently flouted.

Here are the Top Ten Tips that Microsoft together with the etiquette experts at Finishing Academy produced:

1: Respect other people’s chosen form of communication.

2: Use IM for short requests and immediate responses.

3: Use e-mail sparingly and don’t expect an instant response.

4: Use the telephone for building rapport or discussing delicate matters.

5: Use IM and e-mail settings to show whether you are available or not.

6: Humour, sarcasm and flirting may not be appropriate at work.

7: Be careful when using “emoticons” in a business context.

8: Don’t say anything in an e-mail that you wouldn’t say to someone’s face.

9: Don’t read e-mails or send an SMS if you are with other people. Turn phone to silent mode.

10: Keep records of all-important decisions reached over the phone or IM and print out vital e-mails.

Finally, “if we are to avoid becoming robots,” adds Deakin very pointedly, “good old-fashioned phone use needs to be encouraged so that we can continue to sharpen up our verbal communication skills.”

One fine morning, just as Jack begins to tuck into a hearty breakfast, his good wife, Jill, offers the following comment as she sighs deeply:

“I woke up at six o’clock and I feel as though I’ve already put in a day’s work?”

“What?” exclaims hubby, rather unsympathetically. “You woke up at six o’clock? When I took the dog out for a brisk early morning walk, you were still sleeping. That was just before seven.”

“So what? Are you now calling me a liar?”

“I didn’t say that!”

“But you implied it!”

“Did I really? You know, you’re always distorting my words. I say one thing, you claim I said another. I just can’t talk to you…”

“What? I’m distorting your words? You can’t talk to me?

And so the conversation continues. In circles. But not for long, because Jack has to hurry to catch his bus to work. His breakfast is almost untouched, but who feels like eating anyway? He leaves without as much as giving his wife a parting look, while Jill resigns herself to a miserable day.

Why did Jack feel compelled to have the last word? What earth-shattering consequence hinged on whether or not Jill was wide awake or fast asleep at a certain hour in the morning?

None, of course. But the relevance of the matter was hardly the point. The point is just that we demand to have the last word. We relish pointing out inconsistencies in others. We love winning arguments.

But does anybody win an argument? We don’t think so. Arguments only cause tensions to escalate. No winners, just losers.

The overwhelming desire to come out on top at all costs is a very human failing, but a failing nonetheless. When you think about it, it’s really amazing how strong is our desire to best even those to whom we feel closest and whom we love the most.

Restraint in speech, constant awareness of the insidious nature of one-up-manship, is a critical prerequisite for marital harmony.

To remain silent in the face of an overwhelming urge to have the last word may require tremendous discipline at times. But look at what you gain!

After malicious gossip led to murder and several wrongful arrests in a small town in Colombia, local officials decided they had enough. The town’s mayor declared gossip to be a crime punishable by up to four years in prison. Spreading false rumors can also make citizens liable for a fine of up to $150,000.

“Human beings must be aware and recognize that having a tongue and using it to do bad is the same as having dynamite in their mouths,” said the official municipal decree issued last year in Icononzo, 40 miles southwest of the capital, Bogota. Locals claim that it has already had an impact by making people “think twice” about what they say.

Well, how effective this legal activism will be in the long term I don’t know, but let’s hope that the desired impact on the good folk of Icononzo will be a lasting one and its beneficial effects will spread to other areas!

Yes, gossip is bad. But what I want to do today is take the discussion one stage further.

The Divine gift of the power of speech, common to all members of the human race, is a rather complex one. In practice, it’s difficult to remain in neutral gear. You’re either raising people up, or putting them down.

I’d like to quote here an inspiring childhood reminiscence of my colleague Bob Burg. It’s been told and retold in many places over the last few years, and he recounted it again in a recent issue of his very popular e-zine, Winning Without Intimidation, in honor of his parents’ wedding anniversary.

Bob’s parents were having carpets installed in their home, and the crew boss was , as Bob puts it, “one of those stereotypical beer-guzzlin’ hard-livin’ guys.” At lunch break, the 12 year-old Bob listened in as his Dad went to talk to the boss:

The boss said, “This is an expensive job. Women will really spend your money, won’t they?”

Dad responded, “Well, I’ll tell you, when they were right there with you before you had any money, it’s a pleasure to do anything for them you possibly can.”

This wasn’t the answer he expected. He was looking for negative talk about wives which, to him, was natural. He tried again, “But, gee, they’ll really play off that and spend all they can, won’t they?”

Dad replied, as I knew he would, “Hey, when they’re the reason you’re successful, you want them to do the things they enjoy. There’s no greater pleasure.” Strike two.

The crew boss tried one more time, “And they’ll take that as far as they can, huh?” Dad responded, “She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I’d do anything to make her happy.”

I was trying not to laugh. I knew he wanted Dad to give in just a little bit and say, “Yeah, I guess that’s true.” But I knew that wouldn’t happen..not in a million years!

Whether or not the boss was astute enough to learn from this what respect for one’s spouse – and by extension, for other people – really means, Bob believes that this particular conversation was one of the most powerful lessons a young boy in his formative years can receive.

What can we learn from all this? Firstly and most importantly, refraining from negative speech isn’t really enough. Refined human beings will train themselves to make “GoodSpeak” a part of their natures. For most people, it’s not something that comes automatically and requires practice like other worthwhile things, but according to the effort will be the reward.

Second, putting others down or speaking positively about them doesn’t only mean talking in their presence. Thirdly, gossip doesn’t only mean speaking in disparaging fashion about a specific individual; it applies also to negative speech about a whole group or class of people.

What are you doing to make GoodSpeak an essential part of your everyday life?