Written by It’s a mysterious malady many of us suffer from. As hard as we try to get to the bottom of it, its true cause eludes us.
We are working ever so hard towards a certain goal. We are diligent, disciplined, the goal seems well within the range of our abilities, and we can’t see any earthly reason why we shouldn’t be able to attain it. But even though on our better days we may seem to be drawing fairly close, we somehow never reach the winning post. We feel more and more frustrated, and while we can’t really put a finger on what’s causing all this, we do sometimes feel that some kind of inner force is working against us. Some perceptive people might even say that an internal “fifth column” is trying to sabotage their hard work.
To reach some understanding of the workings of this unusual human dynamic, let’s take a look at this scenario: John is interested in buying a used car. Since this is a first-time event for him, he is really in need of some guidance regarding the pitfalls one may encounter with this kind of project. There is just one problem: John hates asking people for advice.
Fortunately, John is friendly with Steve, an experienced motor mechanic. Being the loyal friend that he is, Steve doesn’t wait to be approached, but takes the initiative to inform John where he will find what he is looking for – at a good price and without a slick salesman taking advantage of his inexperience.
Now John is in trouble – self-inflicted yes, but still trouble! He realizes Steve is a trusted friend who know what he’s talking about. But subconsciously, he is deeply concerned that by acting on Steve’s advice he would be setting a precedent for himself. If another person’s recommendation proved to be instrumental in his making a good decision, he would find it difficult to justify to himself his reluctance to seek out the advice of others in future.
So what does he do? He visits the dealer that Steve recommended, but without being aware of his true motive, comes up with all kinds of reasons to reject the cars that are offered to him. The design looks weird, the controls are in the wrong place, the size is wrong, and the dealer’s foreign accent seems suspicious…
And in so doing, he shoots himself in the foot and loses a golden opportunity!
Of course, the trauma of conflicting wills, of two desires that are in opposition to each other, is nothing unusual and we all experience this uncomfortable phenomenon in some form at different times. You just have to think of the last time you absolutely had your heart set on owning some big-ticket item, knowing very well the consequences of the enormous hole it would make in your budget. What is particularly distressing, though, is the negative impact internal conflict can have on our relationships. So often, we feel that something is wrong but don’t really understand what’s happening, causing confusion on both sides.
We’ll look at some examples of this next week in our next post, and discuss how we can prevent internal conflicts from sabotaging our best efforts to strengthen our bonds and draw closer to our nearest and dearest and those around us.
Azriel Winnett is the author of the highly acclaimed, eye-opening book How to Build Relationships That Stick. An enhanced edition is now available as a paperback.
