How to Avoid Parental Burnout

Burnout occurs when our normal methods of coping become overwhelmed. It is a physical and psychological state that results from extreme stress and exhaustion.

Parents of young children are more vulnerable to burnout because there is more to our physical and mental workload. More diapers, more nursing, more bottles, more laundry, more toys, more crying, more talking, and more fights to settle.

There is also quite a bit less with our dear youngsters which can lead to burnout. Less sleep, less money, less downtime, less quiet, less order and less predictability.

Psychological Symptoms: Burnout is characterized by feeling chronically overwhelmed and exhausted. It can also cause depression, anxiety, irritability and anger. It addition, it can lead to feelings of shame and isolation.

Physical Signs: Burnout may cause decreased immune function, increased blood pressure, increased heart rate, insomnia, and appetite disturbance.

Burned out before the kids arrive?

A pregnancy with twins makes mothers more vulnerable to gestational diabetes, gestational hypertension, pre-term labor, caesarian sections, increased nausea and exhaustion in first tri-mester, increased chance of bed rest from twentieth week on, hospitalization and pre-maturity. Thus, mothers of twins may begin their child rearing years burned out from the stresses of carrying a twin pregnancy.

Many parents of twins have suffered through years of infertility before they have children. While the birth of children is a relief from the sadness and trauma of infertility, it can also leave parents feeling guilty if they feel burdened and exhausted: "We spent so much money and time trying to have children and now I'm too burned out to even enjoy them. I feel ridiculous complaining or saying I need more help because I know we're lucky to even have kids."

Why modern parents are more vulnerable

Parents of today are more vulnerable to burnout because they're much more anxious about being parents. In part, this is because they are better educated than any other generation on how their behavior advances or inhibits their children's physical or emotional growth.

In the past thirty years, there has been a cultural shift from an adult centered household to a child-centered household. On the one hand, this has led to many positive changes in our society. There is increased awareness that we can do a lot to increase the self-esteem and long-term well being of our children.

There is a ready source of information on the causes of alcoholism, drug addiction, learning and attentional problems, and delinquency. The cultural shift towards recognizing the rights and needs of children have resulted in important social changes, such as the laws against child abuse which were first enacted in 1964.

At the same time, the world has become a more dangerous place. The increase of drugs and guns make raising children seem more fraught than it once was. As a result of the increased awareness about childrens' needs and the increased dangers, parents of today are much more anxious about being parents.

In my work, I constantly hear parents' fears that their children will feel neglected or that a small mistake or misjudgment will have lasting consequences. There is enormous anxiety that their children will miss out on an opportunity that will place them at a social or educational disadvantage.

These are conscientious, dedicated parents. However, the desire to protect their kids from harm coupled with a desire to make them happy, increases parental vulnerability to burnout.

This guilt and worry leads to burnout because it means parents aren't taking the kind of time for themselves or their marriages that would protect them from stress. They believe they should give to their children no matter how exhausted or needy they feel. And often we do have to give, no matter what.

But we also have to know when it's okay not to give to our children and when to give to ourselves.

Recommendations for avoiding burnout

Manage your guilt

Strive to understand your beliefs about how you should be as a parent. Do you have problems leaving the children with babysitters, taking naps when they're napping, or finding time to nurture yourself and your relationship? Do you worry constantly that some ill will befall your children?

If the answer is yes to any of these, you may be burdened with irrational guilt or irrational worry about your kids which could make you more vulnerable to burnout.

Take down time (anyway)

Beg, borrow or barter with your partner or friends, but make sure you get time to replenish yourself.

Children are benefitted by parents who take care of themselves. Even if your kids object, through tears or complaints when you leave the house, they will nonetheless benefit from your taking time to recharge your batteries. Don't be so tuned in to their needs that you ignore your own.

Make sure your down time isn't spent with errands or busy work. Try to make your down time special. In the Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron, she suggests people take "Artist's Dates." This is where you do something that replenishes you creatively and spiritually.

Manage your stress

There is now a solid body of research that shows the benefits of exercise, yoga, and meditation on combatting stress. Most cities have community centers where you can learn how to meditate or do yoga. Even twenty minutes a day of exercise, meditation or yoga can make an important change in your mental outlook and well-being.

Take time with your partner!

Your relationship can either be an ally against stress or a major contributor to it. Try to have one night or afternoon a week with just you and your partner to nurture your marriage. Don't lose sight of the things you used to do before kids. Don't be such a dedicated parent that you become a neglectful wife or husband.

Ask for what you need

Whether it's with friends, family or partner, burnout happens the fastest when we don't ask for what we need from those who can help us.

Get help and support

Isolation can lead to depression, shame, and anxiety. Stay in touch with the people you like and care about. Tell them what you're going through.

Many parents (mothers in particular) feel embarrassed or ashamed if they feel overwhelmed by their children or resentful of them. This makes it harder to reach out for fear of being criticized or condemned. Try not to compare yourself to other parents who seem to be able to parent effortlessly and do a million other things.

You should strive to have as much help as you can to feel good. Parenting twins is hard enough. It's hardest when you don't get the help and support you completely deserve.

© Copyright 2007 Joshua Coleman

Dr. Joshua Coleman is an internationally known expert in parenting, couples, families, and relationships. He has appeared on ABC 20/20, Good Morning America, The Today Show (Australia), the BBC, and numerous news programs. His advice has been featured in numerous publications around the world. He is the author of the forthcoming When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along (HarperCollins, July 2007) as well as The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework (St Martin’s Press); Imperfect Harmony: How to Stay Married for the Sake of Your Children and Still Be Happy (St Martin’s Press); and The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony (St Martin’s Press). Dr. Coleman's service include individual and couple’s therapy, teleseminars and workshops, and infertility counseling with third party reproductive evaluations. Visit his website for more information or join the discussion on his blog.

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