Chatterboxes and Cave Dwellers

Some people are introverts, others are extraverts, and yes, we recognize them easily enough when we see them. But what, at the most basic level, is the real difference between them? It may not be what you think.

by Naomi Karten

While on a train ride, I overheard four people engaged in lively chatter. Well, that’s not quite correct. Three of them were soft-spoken and reserved.

The fourth, a gregarious conversationalist, dominated the interaction. She caught my attention when she said to one of the others: “You have a lot of ideas for such a quiet person.”

What a misconception — that a quiet person lacks ideas! Yet, it’s an easy mistake to make. After all, if a person has ideas, that person would spout those ideas, right?

Well, not necessarily. In fact, one’s verbosity in expressing ideas is no clue at all to the quantity of one’s ideas. What this woman was experiencing, but didn’t realize, was the difference between her own communication style as an extravert and that of her three seat-mates, who were all introverts.

Actually, both introverts and extraverts can talk your head off. And both need quiet time for reflection.

But as emphasized by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, introverts and extraverts differ in where they get their energy. The result is a huge difference in communication style. (This spelling of “extravert” is not a typo. In everyday English, it’s spelled “extrovert.” However, in the context of psychological Type, it is typically spelled “extravert.”)

Both introverts and extraverts can talk your head off

Extraverts get their energy from interaction and tend to be much more animated and expressive than introverts. They enjoy being with people, and can talk with people all day long and still enjoy a group gathering in the evening.

Introverts get their energy internally; much of their communication takes place on the inside, a private place not accessible by others. Thus, they are often less talkative, animated and expressive. And they lose energy from interaction.

The very process of talking — or even listening — for an extended period depletes an introvert’s energy. As a result, they have a much greater need for Cave Time to recharge.

Is it any wonder the two types confuse each other?

Extraverts think out loud. All that talking is actually the thought process in action. It’s not surprising, therefore, that they may appear to be changing their minds in mid-sentence as they work out their ideas and draw conclusions.

Introverts, by contrast, process their thoughts internally and then voice them — if indeed they voice them at all. They often prefer time to reflect on a thought before voicing it. As a result, they may take longer to respond than extraverts, but may be more articulate when (if!) they do respond; after all, their utterances have been through several rehearsals already.

We can learn to respect each other's style without sacrificing our own

Taken to an extreme, introverts look at extraverts and wonder if they’ll ever stop yapping, and extraverts look at introverts and wonder if there’s anyone at home. Yet, these differences are very real, and we will get along better if we try to understand them, respect them, and find ways to laugh about them together.

We can also help others understand our own style. For example, extraverts can remind their introverted colleagues not to mistake the ideas they are voicing for their final thought on the matter; they are just thinking out loud. Introverts can remind their extraverted buddies that they need a time-out or a break or a week alone in Hawaii.

Perhaps we can all learn how to collaborate in our communication so that we can respect each other’s style without sacrificing our own. How wonderful it would be if we could give each other permission to raise concerns about how we are communicating so that we can make adjustments in support of our relationships.

As for me, I’ve had my say and I’m off to the cave.

© 2007 Naomi Karten, www.nkarten.com

Naomi Karten - speaker, consultant and author - works with organizations that want to improve customer satisfaction and with groups that want to work together more amicably. She has have given seminars and presentations to more than 100,000 people around the world. She has published several important books on topics relating to communication skills, management and customer relations. Naomi's online newsletter Perceptions and Realities has been described as "lively, informative and a breath of fresh air".

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