High Time to Change
Childish Conversation

Many adults use childish conversation styles some or all of the time. What are the most common types of childish speech, and what makes people talk that way?

by Loren Ekroth, Ph.D.

By childish I mean self-absorbed and competitive talking skills that you can observe among children playing in their sandboxes, often expressing patterns such as these:

Examples of childish conversation

Power plays: "I'm better than you!" (tougher, richer, faster). This talk is accomplished with louder voice, stronger words, and talking over others. Also, demeaning others with insults, name-calling, and teasing. It's competitive talk.

Passive-Aggressive ploys like giving others the cold silent treatment, or taking your ball and going home, thus ending the game. At the office, Susie pouts and is sullen and "uncommunicative." Attempts to win by sabotaging the communication.

Monkey-wrenching: Upsets the ongoing communication with distractions, irrelevance, and interruptions. Hogs the attention with "See me!" behavior. Sometimes acts out crazy stuff.

Playing the parent: Gives orders, threatens, demands. Scolds and blames, much finger-pointing. Shames others in order to win.

A friend who is a contract worker in Iraq described to me the interactions of his male co-workers as they sat around "jawing." Virtually every conversation wass full of childish yelling and overtalking about which brand of truck was better, or who lived in the best town back in the States.

You can also observe these childish patterns in marriages, business meetings, and frequently on national TV. Some political shows like the departed CNN CrossFire program was legendary for its yelling back and forth. At one point, pundit Robert Novak was fired from the show for storming off the set.

3 main causes of childish patterns

1. Lack of emotional intelligence

This includes:

Self awareness - the ability to read one's emotions and recognize their impact while using gut feelings to guide decisions.

Self-management skills - involves controlling one's emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.

Without awareness or ability to manage one's feelings, a person is on automatic, directed by unconscious impulse and habit. Mostly, these automatic patterns are defense mechanisms.

2. They don't have other, better skills.

That is, they never developed real grown-up ways of communicating.

Unsuccessful young male job-seekers in Chicago, under the pressure, and feeling the stress of a job interview, had only two behaviors: That of withdrawing (looking down and away from interviewer, being uncommunicative) or confronting and arguing ("Why you askin' me that!"). Of course, neither behavior produced a job offer.

3. The strength of old habits determines our behavior

As one researcher wrote, "Don't bother trying to kill off old habits; once those ruts of procedure are worn into the hippocampus, they're there to stay." (The only successful way to change is to ingrain new and better habits that can bypass the old ruts.) Otherwise, under stress, people tend to rely on (automatically express) behavior patterns learned early in life.

No one needs to dismiss the possibility of change or accept the notion that s/he's merely a victim of upbringing and habits. You do not have to be part of "the herd," as the poet William Wordsworth wrote in the 19th Century, "Not choice, but habit rules the unreflecting herd."

We humans are malleable, changeable, when we choose to be and put some effort in establishing new habits.

As the great psychiatrist Scott Peck said, "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

If due to your childish communication behavior you lose your job, jeopardize your marriage or a valued friendship, or generally make like miserable for yourself and others, it's time to step out of your ruts!

(Note: So that you don't have to say "Everything I know about conversation I learned in kindergarten," consult Daniel Goleman's classic book, "Emotional Intelligence" for ways to become more aware of your feelings and how to manage them.)

Loren Ekroth © 2008, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com and subscribe to his weekly free Better Conversations ezine (which also entitles you to two very informative reports).

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