The Chore Wars

Couples often fight about housework and it can get ugly.

Studies show that women who do an unfair burden of housework are more at risk for depression and physical illness. They're also more likely to fantasize about divorce. However, today's men are doing much more housework than their fathers ever did and often feel unappreciated for how much they are contributing to the household.

Because this is such a common source of tension, I'd like to go over some ways to resolve differences on this topic:

#1 Be assertive

It takes power and strength to get someone to do housework who doesn't want to do it. Many women feel guilty and back down as soon as their partners start to grumble. However, many men feel guilty when they know they're not pulling their weight.

Let your partner know that this is important to you, and you expect him to do his share.

#2 Be loving

If you communicate your request with a criticism such as "You're such a slob, flake, "loser," "mess," "dirtbag," odds are that your partner is going to go passive-aggressive on you, rather than pick up a broom. You'll also get a better response if you state your requests when you're feeling close, not when you're furious.

#3 Be specific

"He should just see what needs to be done and do it without my asking." Maybe he should, but that opinion won't get you very far.

"How about if we have a rule that whoever cooks, doesn't have to clean?" "How about if we alternate weeks on doing the laundry."

If your partner hates laundry, be open to negotiating or trading, but be sure that the trade is sufficiently fair so you don't end up feeling resentful.

#4 Negotiate standards

Don't assume that your high standards are the right ones for both of you. Lose the self-righteousness and the moral outrage. Studies show that more housework gets performed when couples negotiate and compromise.

#5 Have regular meetings

Have weekly or semiweekly meetings about who will do what around the house. This will keep things current and decrease the chance for anger to build.

Meetings should be short, and to the point, 10-20 minutes, max. Keep the tone friendly and upbeat. Assume good intentions.

#6 Catch him or her doing something right

Be positive and offer praise when your partner does something that you want him or her to do. "I really appreciate that you emptied the trash without my reminding you. That meant a lot to me!" "Thanks for not arguing with me when I reminded you that it's your turn to clean the bathroom." Be sincere, don't condescend.

#7 Appreciate your partner for who he or she is

We're all more motivated to please our partners when we feel appreciated for who we are. Therefore, if you're going to raise the topic of housework and your partner is a slob, start the discussion by telling him something that you like.

For example, "I think you're great at fixing things, and I love how handy you are. I'm wondering if we could also brainstorm ways to share cleaning the kitchen and laundry more than we have been."

#8 Play hardball

If your partner completely blows you off, no matter how reasonable or firm you've been, then you have to get tough. This means discontinuing activities that you know he'll do if you don't.

For example, if you pay the bills and you know that he can't tolerate late charges, tell him that you're spending so much time on housework that you're giving up bill paying. Another example, don't fold his laundry or provide other household services if he's not reciprocating in a reasonable way.

Again, the tone should be affectionate, but firm. "I love you, you're a great person, but I'm not willing to do more than my fair share in this relationship. So, from now on..."

© Copyright 2007 Joshua Coleman

Dr. Joshua Coleman is an internationally known expert in parenting, couples, families, and relationships. He has appeared on ABC 20/20, Good Morning America, The Today Show (Australia), the BBC, and numerous news programs. His advice has been featured in numerous publications around the world. He is the author of the forthcoming When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along (HarperCollins, July 2007) as well as The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework (St Martin’s Press); Imperfect Harmony: How to Stay Married for the Sake of Your Children and Still Be Happy (St Martin’s Press); and The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony (St Martin’s Press). Dr. Coleman's service include individual and couple’s therapy, teleseminars and workshops, and infertility counseling with third party reproductive evaluations. Visit his website for more information or join the discussion on his blog.

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