When you pay a compliment that may be not strictly deserved, does that necessarily mean you're dishonest and insincere?

by Bob Burg

A subscriber to my newsletter, Winning Without Intimidation, recently wrote to me as follows:

"Dear Bob, I felt bothered by {a recent article in your ezine}. It seemed to me as if you are suggesting we compliment someone as a manipulative method. This makes me feel sad because I value authenticity. Thanks for reading my criticism. Warm wishes to you for peace and joy."

This is how I responded:

Dear __________,

Thank you for writing. Every so often someone writes me with a similar question, and I believe it's a very good and legitimate question. It shows that you are an honest person who holds fairness, genuineness, and honesty as a high and important value.

So, let's look at this in some detail.

What is the difference between persuasion and manipulation? On a surface level, we could actually say...."nothing".

Both involve the same principles of understanding that most people are driven by an ego-need to feel good about themselves. And, that if we can help them to feel good about themselves, they are more likely to take action that will benefit us.

However, in his book, The Art of Talking So That People Will Listen, the author, Dr. Paul Swets, provided what I believe is an excellent distinction.

Manipulation aims at control; not cooperation

"Manipulation aims at control; not cooperation. It always results in a lose-lose situation. Persuasion, on the other hand, always builds the self-esteem of the other party. It treats the other person as a responsible and self-directing individual. Thus, the other person is more likely to act as such."

So, on a bit deeper level - we could say the difference between the two is a matter of intent.

Regarding honesty (which I believe you are equating with authenticity), let's look at it from this aspect:

The Little-League batter strikes out. Is there anything wrong with saying, "it's okay buddy, you'll get em' next time."? I don't believe there is.

Why? Because you want the young boy or girl to know they are valued and that they have potential. That failure and success are not measured by "one time at bat."

Truth is always best... so long as we remember its purpose

What if you really don't believe they'll get a hit next time? It's okay; it doesn't matter. You can say it anyway. It's called encouragement. Yes, truth is always best...so long as we remember it's purpose.

What if someone asks, "Don't you think my spouse/son/daughter is so handsome/pretty? Even if you truly don't think they are at all, is it more authentic to say, "no, I don't think so."?

Of course not, because there is nothing positive that can come out of it. You simply say, in a very kind manner, "yes, very handsome" or "Yes, very pretty."

So, back to what Tom did.

[Note:In the article to which the reader is referring, Tom complimented a non-helpful person for being very helpful, even though the person, at first, was not. Once Tom complimented him as being such, the person then became very helpful.]

I don't think Tom was being anything less than authentic.

Why? Because, his goal, his ideal, was to build this person up as an advocate; as someone who would learn to live in the solution, not the problem. As someone who would be a helper, not a hindrance.

In short, he empowered this person to take the correct action.

By the way, when someone greets me by saying, "Hi Bob, how are you?", I tell them, "just great, thank you, and yourself?" I find I can not mention my aching back and be just fine about it.

But I don't feel any less authentic. Why would I want to bring down the other person just because my back might be hurting?

All of the above, of course, is just my opinion, and it seems to work in helping me and many others who follow the "Winning Without Initimidation" system to live a much happier and more successful life.

As a final thought: we also need to keep in mind that there is a time and place for everything.

Sometimes, it is indeed necessary to acknowledge one's aching back (for example, when asked by one's chiropractor!). It's also important - aside from encouraging the little leaguer that he or she will "get em' next time" - to work with them on their swing before the next game.

In the end though, the question we should typically ask is, "Is what I'm saying/doing now the best and most uplifting for everyone involved?"

If so, then the chances are excellent you are being authentic!

Thank you again for your excellent question!

Bob Burg of Burg Communications Inc. is author of Endless Referrals (McGraw-Hill) and Winning Without Intimidation: How to Master the Art of Positive Persuasion in Today's Real World (Samark Publishing). Now you can purchase his brand new booklet: The Success Formula: Three Timeless Principles That Will Turbocharge Your Success And Dramatically Improve Your Life at http://www.TheSuccessFormula.com

Some Related Articles:

Difference Between Manipulation and Motivation
How to Persuade Without Persuasion
How to Get Out of a Speeding Ticket
You Win, I win...Can We Both Win?
Responding to Criticism Without Being Defensive
Labeling is Disabling: Achieving Congruent Communication
Maybe Not Bones, But Hearts...and Worse!