Why Change Conversation Habits?

You can have "the gift of gab" and be colorful and fluent, but if you do not achieve good results with others, you have failed to be effective. The evidence for your success in communicating is within the people you're talking to.

During the holidays, I was invited to a dinner with six other people, a few of whom I had not met before.

The meal was delicious, but the conversation foundered on the rocks of dumbth because the other guests displayed the following conversational deficits:

Self-absorbtion
The guests talked only about themselves and spoke mainly in opinion-speak. They did not ask any questions of others at the table.

Mature alternative: Ask about others. "What kind of work do you do?" Or "Where are you from originally?"

Poor listening
The listening was of poor quality as the guests seemed mainly to be rehearsing what they were going to say next. This shows an immature level of conversation skill, much like children, competing rather than cooperating and demonstrating a "See me, see me!" attitude.

Mature alternative: Give others their due by listening carefully rather than rehearsing your own thoughts.

Breaking the flow
Occasionally, someone would enter a "Yes, but . . ." utterance into the verbal game, then offer yet another personal opinion. Doing this broke the flow of the conversation.

Mature alternative: No need to contradict others. You could, however, say something like this: "I have a different point of view about that issue." That way you are not directly contradicting the other person, but merely stating an alternative view.

"Me,too!" ploys
--"Take-aways" abounded. Bill said something about their traveling to Mexico, and Susan hitch-hiked on that topic by saying "My sister Edna and her husband went to Mexico a few years ago. Earl got sick. They didn't like it."

Bill lost his story-line because Susan used the old "Me, too" ploy she learned in junior high school. She had never managed to get beyond that juvenile, competitive move.

Mature alternative: Ask Bill, "What kind of experience did you have in Mexico?"

Mired in one topic
The group slogs along talking about real estate issues despite showing little enthusiasm. Clearly, this subject had quickly run its course. Continuing saps the energy out of the conversation.

Mature alternative: Mature alternative: Be prepared to introduce a new topic, or take a detour from the dead one. Without anyone having that skill, the conversation will remain stuck.

Any of the problems described above could be eliminated with a deft move or two. The alternatives you read above are really quite simple to apply.

However, you might ask "If the conversation as dying, why didn't you intervene?" I didn't because I decided to be a participant observer and make note of what was happening. I was preparing this article about changing habits and had the chance to gather fresh material by watching.

What's working and what isn't?

Making even one or two small changes in your conversation habits can make a big difference in your effectiveness. Unfortunately, you might not be aware of which habits to change because you may not be aware of how your behavior affects others.

To discover what's working and what's not working for you, you could do one of these things:

1. Decide to pay close attention to the responses of others when you're talking. If you read these responses to mean you're not making good, clear connections (such as confusing or boring people), you can make some adjustments.

2. You can ask a few people in private about how you're doing when you converse. Usually, "even your best friends don't tell you" unless you give them permission by asking sincerely. Your conversation problems may be hidden in your "bad breath area" that others – but not you – are aware of.

3. If you are a "conversation pro" whose work requires a lot of interpersonal communication (such as a sales manager or supervisor), or if your life involves a great deal of socializing, you may want to get a larger sample of responses. This can be done with an adaptation of the "360 Degree Feedback" method that I'll be detailing in the future. With this method you can receive as many as a few dozen responses from associates and friends whose anonymity will be protected.

As Dr. Mardy Grothe, psychologist and author of Oxymoronica, says, "We often challenge the perceptions of others, but only very rarely question our own." To check our perceptions, we need to get comments from others who experience our communication.

Now as you begin the new year, you may wish to consider reflecting upon and possibly making some adjustments in your conversation style. A modest effort could bring you huge rewards.

Loren Ekroth © 2007, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com.

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Overcoming Modern Impediments to Quality Conversation
When Small Investments Yield Big Returns
Are You Confusing Conversation Purposes?
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Be a Better Listener With These Great Questions
Making Conversation Safe for Others