The Real DEAL:
How to Comfortably Connect
With Your Conversation Partner

Your attitude is critical when you approach people to engage them in conversation because it gets reflected in your facial expressions, voice, and body movements as well as your words. Read the keys aspects of a winning attitude for connecting with others and building trust and liking.

by Loren Ekroth, Ph.D.

When you want to be comfortably connected with another person in a conversation, you'd want to put that person at ease during the first moments. In this brief article I'll describe the process of doing that.

All of us are at least slightly guarded and self-protective against intrusions into our personal and social space. We tend to be more vigilant when among strangers.

1. De-threaten

To eliminate any wariness in a person you approach, you can "de-threaten" the person by moderating your behavior so that, while direct, it is low-keyed.

These behaviors tend to make people feel uncomfortable:

• Crowding, moving too close
• Moving toward a person suddenly or abruptly
• Unexpectedly interrupting a conversation, "HEY, JOE!"
• Approaching from the back and speaking without the person seeing you coming may startle.
• Speaking in a harsh or overloud voice.

Instead, de-threaten (put at ease) by

• Moving slowly toward the person
• Speaking in a well-modulated voice
• Smiling, face in repose
• Extending your hand

De-threatening moves create comfort, and comfort is basic for trust.

I have attended some business social mixers in which people I don't know come up to me abruptly and speak loudly, sometimes even startling me if they approach from my back or side. They "break in" rather than easing toward me.

Their energy feels "pushy," and I expect they'll want to control the situation. Often they will begin to pitch me with some commercial offer shortly after a perfunctory routine of questions and exchange of business cards.

2. Engage

Engage the person by asking questions or by commenting on something they've said or done. "Elsie, I really admire the way you've set up this event. It's running so smoothly. How were you able to handle all the details?"

You'll be more successful engaging people by putting the focus on them than by trying to get them to focus on you. Also, we tend to like people who seem to like us by showing interest.

3. Acknowledge them for what they say

"Mary, I see what you mean, that by providing incentives to companies and individuals for conserving energy we could greatly reduce our consumption of fossil fuels. Good point!" When a person feels heard, s/he feels validated, and that feeling underlies both liking and trust.

4. Lighten up!

Exhibiting a light touch and showing a sense of humor can be refreshing because you're not expressing the same old shop talk or routine banter. Some light humor is appropriate in most conversational settings.

Not rough or blue humor, not sarcastic ribbing, and not rehearsed jokes. Instead, let your humor arise from what you can observe in the situation. Light-hearted people are almost always welcomed because they light up the room.

That's the DEAL when approaching people, even those you know well. When the people conversing are emotionally comfortable, conversation flows easily.

Loren Ekroth © 2008, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com and subscribe to his weekly free Better Conversations ezine (which also entitles you to two very informative reports).

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