Sometimes, guilt is healthy. Many other times, it's sheer poison. Take this eye-opening quiz to find out what type of guilt is plaguing you and what you should be doing about it.

"On August 20, 1995, my foster daughter, Beverly, fell into a backyard pool and drowned. You know, when I woke up the morning she would die, there was no slip under the door that told me today was Bev's last day. At 1:10 in the afternoon, she fell into the pool and drowned.

"I blamed myself; it was all my fault. I remember on the way to the hospital in the ambulance, I was so afraid they were going to take my natural children because Bev was my foster daughter, and I had been entrusted with the responsibility of taking care of her. That made the guilt even more intense. I failed, so I was a horrible mother.

'My anger was pointed at myself. I felt defective'

"I thought I was being punished. I thought that Bev had died because I had somehow disappointed God. My anger was pointed at myself. I felt defective."

These were the words of Abby Shields, fellow motivational speaker, whom I interviewed for my upcoming book, This Can't Be Happening to Me! Thankfully, Abby found her answers in her faith - where many of the answers about guilt reside.

Who among us has not gone through a life event after which we looked back and berated ourselves with self-criticisms like, "I should have been able to prevent this from happening," or "What's wrong with me?"

Even as I write these words, I'm wrestling with some of those very questions as I'm working to come to terms with a personal situation that was "never supposed to happen." I write this article, then, as a fellow struggler - not as an expert with all the answers.

Want to examine the topic of guilt with me?

Is guilt working for you or against you?

There are those who would say that guilt is a bad thing, that you should simply rid yourself of it. Well, when I evaluate people charged with crimes, I get to meet some who have. You don't want to do that.

Healthy guilt is an essential part of the mature personality, serving the purpose of alerting you that something needs to change. Are you truly guilty, or are you just feeling guilty? Is the guilt you are experiencing "building" (constructive), making your life better, or is it "tearing down" (destructive), making your life worse?

Four major "symptoms" help you determine what type of guilt plagues you and what to do about it. Take this quiz to help you discover the answers.

1. Is your guilt unrealistic or is it fact-based?

When you go through traumatic events, it's easy to slip into an unrealistic sense of failure. Maybe it's time to re-examine the facts of your upsetting situation. What information is available to help you grasp what actually happened, along with the probable causes?

This is a good time to talk with various professionals about what has happened. Talking with a qualified therapist or skilled clergy can help you realistically assess what you could or could not have done more effectively in the process.

Another powerful way to discover whether your guilt is realistic is to do a role reversal. Ask yourself honestly, "If my best friend had gone through this same experience and were engaged in self-blame for the very same things I'm condemning myself for here, what would I say to that friend?"

You know what you'd probably say:

• You had no way of knowing."
• "You did the best you could. Other people had choices here, too."
• "We're only human. We want to keep everyone happy and safe, but we live in a world where that's not always possible."
• "Don't keep beating yourself up for this. It wasn't your fault."

If that would be true for your friend, why not for you? Could it be that the truth is, there's no objective basis for your guilt?

You simply feel guilty, so you assume you are guilty? Feelings are not facts.

2. Is your feeling of guilt general or specific?

In other words, when you feel guilty, do you label yourself negatively, feeling somehow that you are an overall bad person? That can be very destructive.

Alternatively, is your guilt focused on a specific, harmful behavior or attitude that needs to be changed? Then change it, and build a better life. That's constructive.

3. Is your feeling of guilt long-lasting or time-limited?

Destructive guilt persists long after you have changed the behavior in question, have asked for forgiveness, and have made any possible restitution. Constructive guilt lifts after you have made the change.

Maybe the emotional relief won't happen absolutely immediately, because some healing time may be necessary. But it should decrease soon, or it becomes destructive. Long-lasting guilt has outlived its purpose, which is to precipitate change.

4. Does your felling of guilt contain condemnation or hope?

Destructive guilt whispers (or yells!) that, since you are a defective person, your future will only be a continuation of the negative past.

That type of pessimism creates a self-fulfilling prophecy; your fears come true because you don't dare to take positive action. Why try when you have no hope?

On the other hand, constructive guilt contains the idea that you can change, and that if you do, your life will improve. The seeds of the future lie in the things you learn from what you're going through today.

First, acknowledge and face up to your genuine mistakes. OK, if you did it, you did it. Now what are you going to about it?

You can't change WHAT you did - it's done. The real question is, what are you going to do in the future? That's what you have to work with.

You must make changes so that you won't repeat your errors habitually. Ask God's forgiveness and, when possible, ask forgiveness from the person harmed.

Unfortunately, even after you've turned away from the destructive behaviors, some of their consequences linger. You have to work through those. All of this will take fierce honesty and courage. But you can do it.

Then, identify and reject destructive guilt. If you're being harassed and harmed by destructive guilt, that confidence-robbing monster is probably not going to slink away into its cave on its own. This guilt monster has reigned in your life too long. It's time to beat him up with the truth - the facts about your situation, about your worth, and about God's grace and forgiveness.

When you discover that your feelings are not based on objective fact, reject them. It's just that old guilt monster trying to sneak his way back into your territory. Put up a "No Trespassing!" sign.

Choose to forgive yourself. Make an event out of it.

Tell God, a trusted friend, and/or a therapist about this important happening. Date it, and document it in your journal. "Today, I'm choosing to forgive myself for..." Ritualize the decision to let go of destructive guilt by writing about the wrong for which you are forgiving yourself, then toss the paper into a fireplace or a bonfire, or place it into a helium balloon and release it into the heavens.

The real or imagined mistakes in your past do not have the ultimate power to sabotage your purpose without your permission. So be on about the business of living well today!

Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, professional speaker, and executive and personal coach who specializes in creating Magnetic Workplaces® and in bringing out the best in people. She's author of the upcoming book: This Can't Be Happening to Me!. Sign up for her free email newsletter at her website: http://www.MagneticWorkplaces.com. Contact Dr. Bev by email at: Bev@MagneticWorkplaces.com or by phone, 877-CAN-LEAD (226-5323) or 601-264-0890.

Some Related Articles:

Taking Care of Yourself: An Unselfish Act
Black and White Thinking
The Family Divorce: Irreconcilable Family Rifts
The Family Divorce: Irreconcilable Family Rifts
Helping Others Deal With Loss
Why Shame is Essential for Personal Growth
Shame and Guilt: So What's the Difference?
What is Your Recovery Rate?
How to Forgive Another For Past Hurts
We're Getting Rich, So Why Aren't You Happy?
Showing Vulnerability is a Source of Power/a>
Eliminating Our Own Victim Mentality