Giving Difficult Feedback

When workers perceive that their superiors are going out of their way to avoid potential conflict and difficult conversations, especially face-to-face, they feel confused, alienated and demotivated. Here are some effective steps to reverse the trend.

by Marilyn Manning, Ph.D

With floods of e-mails, voice-mails, telephone, and electronic meetings, we are experiencing less face to face communication. Where are the days of meeting for coffee, or ducking into someone’s cubicle to chat, or the luxury of a “business” lunch?

We are victims of information overload, yet don’t have crucial conversations that keep us connected in more meaningful ways. Less personal communication can cause diffused focus and little in-depth dialogue, thus dehumanizing our environment. Most of us need frequent feedback and discussion with others to benefit from different perspectives, to work more effectively, and to reach our fullest productivity.

The Wall Street Journal recently published an article about major problems conflict avoidance can cause in the workplace, especially avoidance by supervisors, managers, and leaders. A good way to overcome this overwhelming desire to avoid conflict and tough conversations is to practice giving feedback regularly.

We all need feedback. We can’t improve in a vacuum. Give your feedback face-to-face, not via email.

Like successful projects, successful feedback needs to be planned. We need feedback skills like we need project management and other core skills. Try these simple steps.

Step One: Establish strengths and needs for people you give feedback to and the benefits of their receiving it

• List the key people you supervise or work with closely.


• List their strengths and areas they could improve or develop.


• List what you think they need to reach their potential. (e.g. assessments, training, feedback on their style or work habits)


• List benefits for giving them constructive feedback and coaching.


• Determine your targets and timelines for giving regular feedback.

Design a personal plan dedicating time to coach and give feedback. Who will you coach and how often? Would weekly meetings provide enough coaching for each of your employees? Can you have a meaningful dialogue in 30 minutes?

There are many informal occasions to give feedback, and those are often the best moments, but carefully planned feedback can be powerful and effective. We can all benefit from both. You may want to work with a professional coach to get started.

Step Two: Prepare the way for feedback

Strongly commit to coach and mentor your employees. Review and record their past successes and challenges. What obstacles have they overcome? Document their successes at making big changes, and when they failed and why. Make a list of those who know their work and can accurately give feedback to them. Make a list of who would give candid feedback if asked.

Do your employees have accurate pictures of their strengths and weaknesses? Would they be open to a 360’ assessment and getting feedback from others?

Your feedback is essential, but if the person is open to hearing from others too, you might encourage that. More feedback increases one’s self-awareness and willingness to make important changes.

Ensure your employees are onboard with your coaching. Spell out that you will give feedback regularly so they understand what to expect. Ask them to reflect on what they need from coaching and how it will benefit them.

Step Three: Goal clarity

Research supports that mission-driven projects are more successful than rule-driven projects. Treat coaching like a mission-driven project: agree on a clearly defined mission with each person you coach. Create a vision for success.

Using a 360’ assessment: Once you have attained buy-in, a 360° report offers helpful insights to aid in articulating clear, measurable goals for personal development plans. We recommend you use a professional for this process. There are several varieties of 360 assessments. The Consulting Team, LLC uses the EQ-i (Emotional Quotient Inventory) and the DISC (communication and leadership styles).

The 360° report feedback is fairer than typical boss-only reviews. It places emphasis on what individuals do well; often areas we need to develop are our strengths used to excess. In a 360’ report individuals get feedback from many people they work with. The perspectives of subordinates, peers, bosses, and self can be instructively different.

The 360° report is usually more accurate than self-ratings. High self-ratings often do not correlate with success. The 360° report can accurately give a sense of one's performance. Neither a boss-only review nor an employee self-review can give the entire performance picture. The 360° report establishes a credible reference point of necessary changes and progress.

Step Four: Formal feedback sessions

After utilizing an assessment for professional development, your job as a supervisor is to provide coaching, suggesting options and processes for improvement. You may expand feedback by providing external coaching. Different coaches can address different issues: e.g. behavioral changes, project skills, organization strategies and initiatives, or work-life balance.

Regular ongoing coaching can provide feedback, reality checks, and a sounding board the employee may need. Coaching sessions can put you, as coach, in a neutral position, where it is safe for the employee to express doubts, worries, and ambitions. Use these opportunities to explore career advancements, training needs, and special assignments to develop your staff.

"Coaching has helped me in virtually every phase of my job. From more effective presentations to a better understanding of people's working styles, I am a far more successful manager today than ever before. Coaching is also helping me and my management team to achieve our goals and create a work environment that retains and attracts staff." — From an executive we have coached.

As a coach you can give acknowledgment and encouragement as well as a “kick in the pants” to motivate personal changes in your staff necessary to maximize their potentials. Unfortunately, most will wait until they face a crisis to make significant personal changes rather than practicing continuous self-improvement. Busy trying to succeed and accomplish goals, they often ignore or deny their own weaknesses and lack of balance.

Rapid change cycles are a fruitful time for coaching. If leaders recognize indicators of increased staff stress and signs of diminishing trust, enthusiasm, or participation, they can implement a sound coaching plan to help individuals and teams navigate change through positive modifications. Make time to continue your coaching efforts, especially in busy times.

Step Five: Communication

Manage your employees’ expectations of coaching sessions. If you must cancel one, immediately calendar another session . Cancelled one-on-one sessions can send a message that the employee isn’t a high priority.

Build follow-up into each coaching session. Through e-mails have employees send what they accomplished between sessions and what they want to focus in for their next sessions.

Equally important, tell your boss you are regularly coaching your staff and share the success you are observing. Your boss may support further training in coaching techniques and approaches you may want.

Whether you use coaching to mediate conflict, modify styles, sharpen skills, or to be a neutral, empathic ear, help your employees design personal plans to maximize results. Establishing and reinforcing clear goals and using effective communication are crucial to a successful coaching endeavor.

Feedback and coaching sessions can be a mutually enjoyable learning process.

Dr. Marilyn Manning, CSP,*CMC the founder and CEO of The Consulting Team, LLC, and international author of seven business books, resolves difficult people problems. She specializes in interactive speeches, workshops, and consulting in the areas of Leadership, Teamwork, Conflict Mediation, Executive Coaching, Meeting Facilitation, Strategic Planning, and Communication. 94% of Dr. Manning’s work is repeat business. For more information about Dr. Manning and The Consulting Team, LLC go to her website at http://www.theconsultingteam.com.

*CMC (Certified Management Consultant) is a certification mark awarded by the Institute of Management Consultants USA and represents evidence of the highest standards of consulting and adherence to the ethical canons of the profession. Less than 1% of all consultants have achieved this level of performance.

Some Related Articles:

Power of Face to Face Communication
Balancing Positive and Negative Feedback
Seven Tips for Giving Positive Feedback
Tips to Help You 'Hear' Feedback