we discussed five major "disconnects." Let's look at another
five today.
1. Right-wrong thinking
It's an easy trap to fall into. The minute you believe your way is the
"right" way, all other ways become "wrong." You start putting your energy
into defending your "rightness" and attacking the other person's
"wrongness." And that's bound to hurt the communication process and your
relationships. It communicates an "I don't respect you" message.
To get away from this "right-wrong" thinking process, you need to realize
that your way may be effective. It may be valid, but it may not be "right."
There's almost always a better way. So find it ... by listening to the other
person instead of trying to show him why he's wrong.
For example, the first telephones were a good way, a better way, even a
great way to communicate. However, history has proven that the first
telephones were certainly not the "right" way or even the "best" way to
communicate. By comparison with today's telephone systems, they were
terrible.
This basic concept holds true with everything you do, from manufacturing to
customer service. If you get caught in the trap of doing your job the same
way you've always done it ... because you believe it is the "right" way to
do it ... you paralyze all future progress. Your creative juices stop
flowing.
And the same concept holds true in the communication process. If you're
stuck in "right-wrong" thinking, the communication process stops flowing.
As Deborah Tannen, a communications expert, notes, "The biggest mistake is
believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation
-- or a relationship."
To get away from this "right-wrong" disconnect, follow consultant Bob
Proctor's advice. He says, "The next time you hear yourself saying, 'That's
right' or 'I'm right,' correct yourself immediately by repeating, 'That is a
good way, and I might act on it. However, there may be a better way and I
will look for it.'"
2. Partial listening
David Levin calls it "listen and read." You may be on the phone with your
spouse or anyone else that is important to you. She's talking; you're
listening. And suddenly she says, "You're reading something on your
computer, aren't you?" You're busted.
As Levin asks, "How can she tell? The answer is, you're not that good at
it, but neither is anyone else. I've yet to meet the person who can truly
pull off 'listen and read.' And based on my experience on how well it goes
over, I'd say it's not worth it. Probably best to just not try it at all."
I couldn't agree more. Whenever you're listening to somebody else and
trying to do something else at the same time, you're sending the disconnect
messages of "I don't care about you" and "I don't understand you."
By contrast, I think of one set of employees at one company who learned to
do it right ... who learned how to connect rather than disconnect. As Paul
Snyderman of Merck told me, a senior marketing officer spoke with great
passion about the need to get "closer to the customer" and directed all of
us to meet with our customers. Snyderman said, "In fact, he directed us to
spend at least 15% of our time with our customers. We were to meet with our
customers ... whether face to face, on field trips, or via phone ... to just
listen."
And of course, when you do that, you connect. You send messages of "I care
about you ... understand you ... and ... respect you."
By contrast, another "disconnect" is when you demonstrate ...
3. Insensitivity to the other’s needs
It could happen if you give a job to someone ... and then take it back if he
is not doing it right. Or not doing it the way you would have done it.
Levin calls it the "Yo-Yo." It sends a message of disrespect.
Of course, Levin is a realist. He writes, "I'm not saying absolutely never
do this. If the job is critical and they're clearly not going to be able to
make it work, sometimes you may have to. I'm just saying it sends a
terrible message. So if you have to do it, be ready for the consequences
because you will definitely have hurt your relationship with that person --
and your effectiveness."
On one episode of The View, Star Jones was aware of that challenge. She
said, "You're never allowed to step on people to get ahead, but you can step
over them if they're in your way." It showed a bit more sensitivity to the
needs of the other person.
Or let's say a coworker comes to you ... if you're a manager ... and asks
for some time off for some "personal business." Did you feel that your
coworker was trying to take advantage of you? Did you immediately question
her commitment to the corporate mission? Or could you see the legitimacy of
the request ... if indeed it was legitimate?
More importantly, speaker Phillip Van Hooser asks, "How did you respond?
Did you say, 'Jane, I don't really see how we can afford to have you out
right now, with the trade show bearing down on us. You'd better try to make
other plans.' Or was your response just a bit more in line with her needs,
'Jane, you know that it's a busy time, and you know better than anyone else
what needs to be done before the trade show. But, if you need some time off,
of course you can have it. Just let me know what I can do to help you out on
this end."
As Van Hooser concludes, "If she senses a since concern on your part, her
attitude toward you and ultimately, toward the organization, will be
different. Make no mistake: Followers are very attentive to the words and
deeds of their leaders."
That being the case, throughout your day, check up on yourself. Ask
yourself how sensitive you're being to the needs of your coworkers,
customers, and family members.
4. Assumptions
Angelo Donghia, a prominent interior designer in the 1970's and 80's, had it
right when he said, "Assumption is the mother of screw-up." All too often
we "assume" the other person will understand us rather "ensure" his/her
understanding.
It's one of the skills I teach in my program on Peak Performance:
Motivating the Best in Others." You can read all about it here.
For example, there was an obvious misunderstanding when Cathy Groves'
husband went to the lumber store. She said he uses scraps of wood, called
"shorts," for carving. One day when he was in a lumber store, he saw some
lovely pieces in a bin behind the counter. But he had a lot of explaining
to do after he asked the clerk, "Do you mind if I come around and poke
through your shorts?"
Now we can chuckle at the some of the misunderstandings that come about
because of faulty assumptions. But in reality, if you're not careful,
assumptions can send heavy messages of misunderstanding that really hurt
you, the communication process, and your relationship with others.
Levin calls these hurtful assumptions "phantom messages." They're messages
that others pick up loud and clear even though they're not spoken by us.
Consider these two scenarios that Levin lays out. The first one: your buddy
buys himself a new boat. Naturally he's excited about it, and so one
afternoon over a beer he talks your ear off about it. The second one:
everyone is called together for a big meeting at work. When you get there,
the big boss gets up and starts things off with a "funny" story about the
trouble he's having finding storage for his new 50-foot yacht.
These are both scenarios of someone talking about their boat. But from the
standpoint of connecting with others, they couldn't be more different. The
first scenario ... at worst is slightly annoying ... but could be fun,
depending on how you feel about your friend and boats. The second scenario
turns you totally off. You feel like the big boss is rubbing his big yachtin your face. In a sense, his "funny" store inadvertently communicates, "I
don't understand your world, because I live in a completely different world
than yours.
In both cases, the speaker "assumed" the listener would get the intended
message ... even though he did very little thinking about how the message
would be received. You've got to think about what you're going to say ...
before you say it ... and you've got to think how the other person will
interpret your message ... before you send it.
And finally, the last "disconnect" that hurts relationships, that
communicates an "I don't respect ... understand ... or care about" message
is ...
5. Jargon
Organizations are filled with it. And each department within the
organization might have their own words and acronyms that other people
outside the group may not understand.
The cartoon strip Dilbert gave an example of this in last week's Sunday
newspaper. Dilbert approaches his manager and says, "I need to spend the
next year optimizing the WDNW system."
The manager replies, "I've never heard of the system."
"You only hear about the systems that have problems. If everything goes as
planned, you'll never hear about WDNW again." says Dilbert.
"What does the WDNW system do?" wonders the manager.
"It keeps our zeros and ones from accidentally forming tens." responds
Dilbert.
"That can happen?" asks the manager. "Not on my watch." Dilbert says.
And then as Dilbert walks away to converse with another colleague at the
coffee maker, his colleague asks, "How's the 'Wally Does No Work" project?"
Dilbert answers, "The acronym helped."
Well, it may have helped him escape some work, but it didn't help him build
a working relationship.
As Levin points out, "Not a big shocker ... but talking to others in ways
they don't understand is not a great way to connect. It's a disconnect for
'I understand.' Using language, terms, acronyms, or other verbal shorthand
specific to your world is like having a big flashing sign that says, 'We're
different from each other' And anything that points out how we're different
from someone else says 'I don't understand you.'"
Unfortunately, some people think their big words, fancy acronyms, and
complex words will impress other people as well as garner their respect.
Typically not. All your jargon does is leave others frustrated ... which is
another "disconnect."
When I used to teach teachers, I would ask them, "Which of these two
sentences would you prefer to hear ... if you were a student: 1) "Never try
to impress people with the profundity of your thought by the obscurity of
your language." or 2) "Keep it simple." They always say #2.
So skip the jargon ... or at least minimize the jargon ... if you want to
connect with people outside your own inner circle.
Action:
Ask yourself which of the 5 "disconnects" listed above do you engage in most
frequently. And then ask the same question of three coworkers and two
family members. You'll learn a lot and you'll learn fast what you need to
do to improve your communication effectiveness.
