Five Steps to a Fair Fight

To be in a healthy relationship you have to be able to complain and to be able to hear your partner's complaints. Knowing how to raise a complaint and work it through is a key survival skill.

This will be the first in a two-part series on conflict resolution. Today's section is on setting the stage for a productive interaction.

#1 Decide what you want before you talk to your partner

Your ability to get what you want from your partner will be directly related to how much clarity you have about what you want him or her to change. Watch out for guilt here because guilt may prevent you from getting clear about what you want.

#2 Approach your partner when you're feeling calm

Reseach shows that conversations typically end the way that they begin. If you start out angry, it will likely end up with little resolved.

#3 Ask your partner if this is a good time to talk

Just because you want to talk doesn't mean that your partner is obligated to listen in that moment. However, if your partner doesn't want to listen to you now, then he or she IS obligated to suggest a better time to talk.

#4 Let your partner know whether the topic is serious or not

Telling your partner the degree of seriousness of your topic allows him or her to get in the right frame of mind. I recommend that couples assign a number to the level of seriousness from 1-10.

An example of a 1 is a request to put a coffee cup in the dishwasher before going to work. A 10 might be a talk about a desire to separate.

#5 Begin the conversation with praise

Remember that your goal is to have a productive interaction. Part of having a productive interaction is letting your partner know that you're raising your complaints to have a better relationship, not to hurt his or her feelings.

An example might be, "I really appreciate how hard you're working and how exhausted you are but I'm wondering if we could brainstorm how to get our sex life back on track? I really miss how close we used to be."

In my next piece, we'll discuss what to do when conflict occurs; how to get in and how to get out of a fight.

© Copyright 2007 Joshua Coleman

Dr. Joshua Coleman is an internationally known expert in parenting, couples, families, and relationships. He has appeared on ABC 20/20, Good Morning America, The Today Show (Australia), the BBC, and numerous news programs. His advice has been featured in numerous publications around the world. He is the author of the forthcoming When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along (HarperCollins, July 2007) as well as The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework (St Martin’s Press); Imperfect Harmony: How to Stay Married for the Sake of Your Children and Still Be Happy (St Martin’s Press); and The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony (St Martin’s Press). Dr. Coleman's service include individual and couple’s therapy, teleseminars and workshops, and infertility counseling with third party reproductive evaluations. Visit his website for more information or join the discussion on his blog.

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