Winter Olympics, 2006 - a mixture of great expectations, glory and triumph, and quite a few disappointments. I admit I was not an avid watcher of the events, catching most of my knowledge from post-event media reports.

Intellectually, I know that no one gets the honor of the opportunity to be an Olympian competitor without years of discipline, grueling work, and win after win after win.

But honestly, if I totally relied on the visual media for my impressions, I might believe that these individuals' performance careers were characterized by fall after fall after fall. To the casual observer, it seems that's where much of the focus was placed.

How fair is that?

All of that got me thinking - how often does the failure to evaluate performance in an accurate and balanced way interfere with strong relationships and healthy self worth? Let's talk about three types of distortions that can sabotage you and your relationships.

1. Focussing on others' falls

• What is about gossip that some find so delicious?


• Why is it that "nice people" often experience secret pleasure when they hear that an otherwise successful person has messed up?


• How can it be true that when you think about a certain person, you may ignore their accomplishments and contributions and think instead about a mistake they made?


• Why do managers often say plenty about what employees do wrong, while ignoring what they do right?

I believe that the main reason is, we often feel one-up when someone else is one-down.

In other words, we hold to a sum zero system of evaluation, adopting the philosophy that worth can be determined by comparisons with others. Using a median point of zero, if someone else is a plus one, you somehow feel like a minus one.

Therefore, if you want to feel like a plus one, you have to make someone else a minus one. In either case, the comparison produces a sum of zero. Sum zero is a faulty system.

The truth is, we're all in this thing together. When someone else succeeds, we should rejoice. That opens up possibilities for learning and inspiration for us.

When someone is down, we have the responsibility to show compassion and to give them a helping hand up. To paraphrase a New Testament principle, when someone falls, if you're spiritual and mature, you'll lift them up (not tear them down) and consider carefully the fact that you might be the next one who needs mercy!

2. Magnifying our own mistakes

When you look back over your own life, what do you see?

What quickly comes to the forefront of your awareness? Is it all the wonderful ways you've met goals, fulfilled your purpose, or contributed to the lives of others?

Or are the ways you've disappointed yourself the first things that pop into your mind? Many of us exaggerate our failures and minimize our successes.

Ask yourself, "If my best friend had my exact history, and if he/she were focused on the failures in it, what would I say to my friend?" You know what you would say:

• "Don't be so hard on yourself."


• "Everyone makes mistakes. Life goes on."


• "Yes, but look at all the things you've done right. Those far outweigh what you've done wrong."


• "You're looking back with 20/20 hindsight. With the knowledge you had then, you did about the best you knew to do."

If you can do that for your friend, why not do it for yourself? If you can't be a friend to yourself, who can?

3. Ignoring destructive patterns in intimate relationships

The previous two distortions involved overemphasizing faults. In this third scenario, people distort the facts in the opposite direction.

In other words, they try to ignore potentially deal-killing flaws, addictive habits, or destructive behaviors, focusing instead on the glimpses of good in the person they see periodically or saw in the past.

They tell themselves, "I know what he/she is REALLY like," meaning, "Never mind the little detail of her drinking or his abusiveness or her gambling or his philandering; when that's not happening, he/she can be really wonderful."

Here's the skinny: What a person is really like is not that positive snapshot, but the entire PATTERN. (There's a difference between a mistake or two and a pattern.)

It's time to get honest about a destructive cycle rather than excusing it or hoping it away, minimizing its significance. I'm all about seeing the best in people, but when it comes to allowing yourself to be gradually destroyed by someone else's habitually cruel or out-of-control behavior, that's another story.

Even the best can fall! FALL

Even the individuals with Olympian capabilities can take a tumble. Despite all of their talents and training, they still reside in human bodies - just like you and I do.

If you are struggling with something right now, learn from your falls. Back up, analyze where you began to go wrong, learn something new, get some help, do whatever it takes. Don't let your falls be in vain.

It's not shameful to fall down. It's just a shame to stay down.

Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, professional speaker, and executive and personal coach who specializes in creating Magnetic Workplaces® and in bringing out the best in people. She's author of the upcoming book: This Can't Be Happening to Me!. Sign up for her free email newsletter at her website: http://www.MagneticWorkplaces.com. Contact Dr. Bev by email at: Bev@MagneticWorkplaces.com or by phone, 877-CAN-LEAD (226-5323) or 601-264-0890.

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