How to Have Better
Family Conversations

"The highest purpose of communication is communing, which is becoming one with each other."

So wrote relationship experts Barry and Joyce Vissell in their book, The Shared Heart

Sadly, many families and groups of friends who come together during the holiday season have only superficial conversations. However, by using some simple agreements and some questions as conversation-starters, they can have a much richer and more enjoyable time of sharing their life experiences.

First, what gets in the way?

Five main blocks to quality family conversations

1. Most get-togethers don't set aside the time required for sharing meaningful life experiences and telling stories.

2. Most family groups don't understand that some basic agreements are necessary to support quality conversation, and they don't spell out those agreements.

3. In the U.S., we are immersed in a "culture of critique" (linguist Deborah Tannen's term) in which people routinely interrupt, correct, disagree, and argue with one another. This makes conversation risky and un-safe.

4. During dinner table conversations in the U.S. culture, children often are the performers and the adults the spectators, which doesn't support the elders in sharing their own experiences. This pattern was described to me by eminent anthropologist Gregory Bateson.

5. Too many distractions: Televisions and radios claim our attention. Phones ring, people enter and leave, some over-talk the others or fidget.

Fortunately, those five factors can be minimized.

Four ways to increase conversation quality

These four strategies will help to increase the quality of conversation for a group of family and friends talking together:

1. Set aside a time, 60 to 90 minutes, solely for talking and listening.

2. Ask everyone to agree to these simple guidelines:

• Take turns talking.
• Listen respectfully and seek to understand.
• Share personal experience that has meaning.
• Speak briefly, no more than a few minutes .

3. Use some "conversation-starter" questions that evoke personal stories.

4. Appoint one person as host to keep the process on track.

Questions and topics

A few years ago I surveyed 32 American families to learn what children and adults would most like to hear from each other.

From the survey results I wrote a long list of questions and topics for memory-images and assembled a Better Conversation Kit that could be used for gatherings of family and friends and even class reunions. I discovered that young people were eager to hear stories of the elders' life experiences.

Here are some of those questions you can use. They can be put on 3 x 5 cards and drawn from a stack:

• What was the neighborhood like where you grew up?
• What were your favorite movies as a kid? Favorite movie stars?
• When you were a child, did you have any serious illnesses?
• What is your favorite family holiday? Why?
• What was the most memorable vacation your family ever took?
• What was a highlight from elementary or middle school?
• What was your first job outside of home?
• Who was your best friend when you were growing up? (Describe that person.)
• How did you meet your spouse?

You can easily create other questions to add to these starters. If a question doesn't suit the person taking a card, they can draw another one.

Two useful aids

Two other items that have proved helpful:

• A timer that keeps sharing within the time limits. (Three to six minutes has been a good range of time when I've used this method for a church picnic, group workshop, and groups of friends.) An inexpensive 3-minute sand timer or a watch with a second hand work well.


• A "talking object": Almost any object will work. A stick or a ball, for example. Only the person holding the object gets to talk.

Occasions when extended families gather together are precious. Setting aside some time to talk and listen in a personal and heartful way can greatly enrich those occasions. I encourage you to try out this possibility during this year's holiday season.

Note: A complimentary mini-version of my Better Conversation Kit is available on the homepage of my website.

Loren Ekroth © 2007, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com and subscribe to his weekly free Better Conversations ezine (which also entitles you to two very informative reports).

Some Related Articles:

Make Your Holiday Parties Really Memorable!
Family Communication Skills and Family Meetings
How to Keep a Conversation Alive
Family Relationships Under Fire: Lessons from the Front Line
Help for the Holidays: A Survival Guide For When the Relatives Arrive
Planning a Family Reunion: Some Helpful Reminders