Family Talk Among the Generations

I have found that the conventional wisdom, "Young people are not interested in the ideas or experiences of their elders" is not true.

A few years ago I surveyed youth, adults, and elders in several dozen families around the U.S. Although this was a tiny sample, I learned that most young people were actually interested in the life experiences of adults and seniors. The main reason they couldn't hear those experiences was that families didn't structure time for this activity, and few helpful tools were available.

Everyone has personal stories to tell, even the most ordinary folks. As the late, great interviewer and author Studs Terkel proved through thousands of interviews, if you show sincere interest in another's life, and if you don't pry into the most private details, you will hear some fascinating true stories.

In recent years, the Story Corps busses have traveled the country to help thousands of people record life stories. Most often these are young adults asking open questions of grandparents, parents, and aunts and uncles.

As well as not making time for sharing life stories, we also are "driven to distraction" in our hurry-up world. Cellphones, Ipods, Blackberries are ubiquitous. The TV blares, the radio yells, our computer almost calls out "Come here, slave, and read your email."

What you can do now

Set aside an hour or two of uninterrupted time when your family and/or friends gather for a holiday or reunion.

Get "buy-in" from all or most of those who'll be attending. In short, make the suggestion and sell the idea so that the attendees agree to it. Don't force this activity.

Have a few ground rules for talk so that no one dominates and all who want a turn get a turn. (Suggested rules are available in either form of the Better Conversation Kit.) I also suggest a timer so that people don't ramble on. An inexpensive 3-minute egg timer serves this function.

Have some "tools for talk" available. Both the short version and the complete Better Conversation Kit have been used by hundreds of groups with great success. This provides a structure that's a game-like, "this is fun" ritual.

Here's another simple idea: Bring a plate or other dish and tell a story it reminds you of. Like grandma's old gravy boat, or a special piece of china, or a carving knife. Then tell a story about the time that . . . or about the person it reminds you of. (Of course, use these dishes or utensils for the holiday meal.)

If people are willing, record the stories, then put them on a disc to be sent to each person at the holiday or reunion. The equipment can be simple. These recordings can be precious as elders pass away and we can still hear our uncle's voice and practical wisdom, our grandmother's sweetness, our parents familiar voices.

To make a treasured family ritual around quality conversation is to add immeasurably to your clan. No longer will you live with that regret I have heard so frequently, "I really wish I had asked Dad about . . ." and Grand-dad had so many challenging experiences when he emigrated to the U.S., but I never asked him to share those." When we are connected through stories, we are also rooted in our family's heritage.

As author Hodding Carter wrote, "There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots; the other, wings."

Loren Ekroth © 2008, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com and subscribe to his weekly free Better Conversations ezine (which also entitles you to two very informative reports).

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