Don't Fence Me Out!

If you want a social reputation for graciousness, be attentive to the ways you might inadvertently be cutting others out of your conversation. (Such an action is rarely rude by intention, but might readily be perceived as such). Learn how this can occur, and how you can avoid it.

by Loren Ekroth, Ph.D.

If you're not mindful, you may inadvertently cut an acquaintance out of your conversation. Such an action is rarely rude by intention. Usually it "just happens" because you become so involved.

Here are ways I see this occur:

Cut out by posture and gaze

Over the years when I've attended "business mixers," I've sometimes noticed the person I'm talking to looking over my shoulder, perhaps to find the next person they want to "network with."

Maybe they were looking for a friend - or a better offer than I presented. They gave me meager attention and only a kind of mechanical involvement, and I felt cut off and cut out.

From time to time I've experienced a friend I'm with turning away to greet another acquaintance, then becoming so involved with the other person that they they forget me and don't notice they've cut me out.

Cut out by topic

When I was growing up, it was common for the men to separate themselves from the ladies after dinner and to talk business, cars, sports, and politics among themselves while the women talked about children, fashions, and family matters. That seemed fair enough and sensible.

Today, I don't see the same gender-separating process, But I still occasionally see one gender cutting out the other by talking about a topic the other doesn't relate to or care about, such as when a guy encounters a buddy while shopping with his wife at the mall, then launches into "football talk" while the wife stands by.

The same thing may occur when a few people are highly knowledgeable about a topic and others are not.

The more the topic drifts into special expertise or insider "shop talk," the more the non-experts may feel left out. Professionals may inadvertently do this if they don't adjust to include the non-professionals.

In his poem, Building a Road the great black poet Langston Hughes wrote wryly about cars passing by the negro road worker who could only say that "They can ride, and I can watch."

Cut out by the telephone

I've been in the homes and offices of friends when, after the phone rings, they launch into a conversation that goes on at length while I can only observe and wait.

I'm not referring to urgent calls here. Just usual calls. Why must I (or anyone else, for that matter) be pushed aside by the tyranny of the telephone?

Similarly, you may have noticed another habit some have when you're talking to them by telephone: When another call comes in, they say "Excuse me while I take this call," then keep you waiting while they complete call #2 (Remember, you were #1.)

Remedies for mindless rudeness

When you begin to get fully involved in conversation with another person, either include the person you're with or excuse yourself for a brief private talk with the new one. Whatever you do, don't just turn away from them and leave them out. (Note: If this is so obvious a gaffe, why do so many do it?)

When phoning, ask "Is this a good time for you to talk?" Doing so will prevent inadvertent rudeness by the person receiving your call, and also any rudeness on your part.

When receiving a non-urgent call when you're talking with others, ask "May I get back to you later on? I'm in the midst of something right now." Doing this will show deference to the persons you're with at the moment.

When talking face-to-face with others, let them know in advance if you're expecting an important call, such as "I'm expecting an important call from my boss about when I'm to meet our clients, so please excuse me for a few minutes when that call comes in."

Final word

I am aware that in our faster-paced, overwhelmed, and hurry-up world, certain social manners have fallen away. Some would say "Just deal with it" and get over your old-fashioned expectation of politeness.

Well, maybe so. But I guess I still prefer to hope for and expect the Golden Rule when conversing with most others.

Loren Ekroth © 2007, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com and subscribe to his weekly free Better Conversations ezine (which also entitles you to two very informative reports).

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