Are You Being Authentic,
Or Just Plain Rude?

This effect is amplified when you think you're being authentic (or honest, or transparent, or up front). Without knowing your intention, or if you lack the interpersonal skill to frame an authentic message well, a receiver might easily think you're rude - at best - and be disinterested in continuing any sort of relationship with you, much less a productive conversation.

In a business setting, a higher degree of professionalism might be standard. So being authentic requires a balance between being forthright and gaining the interpersonal skillfulness that allows you to be more sensitive and diplomatic, several skills often associated with higher levels of professionalism.

While we can't cover every possible interaction here, we will share key points to absorb as you look to polish your interpersonal skill and, at the same time, become more authentic in your communications. Notice the 'raw comments' versus 'polished comments' for each of the examples below.

Five tips for skillful authenticity

1. Get more information before making a statement

Making a statement rather than asking a question closes off the possibility that you'll gain additional understanding, and increases the likelihood that you'll be perceived negatively. Don't jump to the conclusion that your way's the only way without getting the full story.

Raw: That's never going to work.

Polished: I don't have enough information yet to really get behind this and see how it'll help improve project outcomes. Can you tell me more about what you're proposing?

2. Check out any assumptions you might be making

If you think you've made an assumption, ask (and if you don't think you make any assumptions, you've just made a big one!).

More often than not, because of our own filters, what we hear is quite different than what someone has actually said, and certainly different from what they might have intended to say. Get clarity as quickly as possible to avoid tainting the interaction with a misconception made early on.

Raw: You're trying to keep me out of the loop, and you're talking down to me.

Polished: I'm making the assumption that you think I shouldn't be involved in this project, and that you think I'm less qualified on this subject than you are. Is that correct?

Raw: You need to do a great job on this project or we'll all be in trouble.

Polished: In order to fulfill expectations for success on this project, you need to improve our customer relations feedback from fair to good within six months of starting the new approach. Knowing that, is there anything else we need to add to help meet that goal?

3. Keep everyone focused on the goal and intention

Create common ground on which you share your perspective. This helps people maintain understanding without hitting hot buttons as quickly or ferociously.

Raw: I don't work that way; I have high standards.

Polished: I have some concerns about doing it this way, particularly that our approach will seem rude to customers. I'd like to propose another option that leads to the same goals.

4. Know the difference between inquiry and advocacy

Much of the time, conversations go nowhere, or certainly aren't as productive as they could be, because participants are too busy trying to convince others their position is the correct one. Spend time inquiring into another participant's position, as well as sharing why you've arrived at your own position.

Remember, your truth isn't the only truth, and you may not even be right. Keeping this in mind helps us be more humble as we enter into conversation with others.

Raw: We can't do that. We have to do what I've suggested or the whole project won't work.

Polished: Joe, tell me a little bit more about how your suggestion might help us reach our goal for this project, and then I'd like to share a little bit more information about my own suggestion.

5. Set the stage

Demonstrate your authenticity by telling people that you're aiming to be more authentic, and might not have it down pat yet. This comment instantly brings your audience to the table in terms of how you're operating and what they might expect. Note: Don't use this rule as an excuse to shoot off your mouth about anything. Use it as a guide to your intentions.

Raw: I'm going to say what I'm feeling and thinking. I'm just being honest.

Polished: Before we get started, I want to let you know that I'm in the process of strengthening my authenticity muscles. I'll be trying a few new tools around this today, and welcome your feedback. Does each of you feel comfortable with this? (Offer to share examples of what your authenticity might look and sound like.)

Copyright 2006 - Jamie S. Walters, Ivy Sea, Inc. San Francisco. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission from Ivy Sea, Inc.

Jamie S. Walters is the founder of Ivy Sea, Inc., the author of Big Vision, Small Business and the producer of Ivy Sea Online. Jamie and Ivy Sea helps people to find their own pathways and connections to the authentic and Spirit-full life -- conscious enterprise, mindful transformation, skillful communication -- and then integrate those insights into their own entrepreneurial or livelihood endeavors, leadership styles, and organizational transformation efforts.

Some Related Articles:

What Kind of an Idiot Do You Think I Am?
Engaged Listening and Enquiry
Act As If You Like Everyone!
Using Inquiry in Tense Conversations
Step-by-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations
Are Rude People Irritating You?
Let Go Of The Need to Be Right
How Rudeness Wrecks Working Relationships
Why You Should Avoid 'Bristle' Words
Is It You or Me That's Out of Line
Get No Respect? Try This Unusual Approach!

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