Sometimes You've
Just Got to Let It Go!

Relations between you and a colleague, family member or acquaintance are very strained. You'd dearly love to bring about a reconciliation, but your repeated overtures fall on deaf ears. What are your options now?

by Bob Burg

I'm often asked about those situations where, as much as you try, you just can't win a person over.

Of course, depending upon the situation, setting, etc., the answer differs.

After all, if it's a one-time thing and it's not (as Thom Scott says), "a hill worth dying over", you let it go. If it's something that will either genuinely affect your sense of peace or well-being either now and/or in the future, you stay with it until you get the results you want.

Then again, sometimes, its not a one-time thing, it's along-term thing. And, you're still not going to get the results you want; at least with this person.

Why would that be? Many reasons, including the fact that, that person, operating out of his or her own paradigm, has made up their mind and it's not subject to change for any reason whatsoever.

They appear to have one goal...to have him fired

A friend of mine is Executive Director of a large organization and his relationship with several members of the Board of Directors has taken on an animosity that I've rarely before seen.

They appear to have one primary goal and that is to have him fired. The vitriol and gossip that has taken place seems beneath adults (or even the most undisciplined of children for that matter).

My friend, while by his own admission, certainly not mistake-free within the relationship (as you know, there are typically three sides to every situation; my side, your side and the truth somewhere in the middle).

But he has seemingly gone above and beyond in seeking forgiveness for his errors, forgiving them for their errors and trying to come to a peaceful conclusion for the good of the organization.

It hasn't worked. And, from what I'm gathering, it's not going to.

The bitter feelings toward him have, by this time, become so ingrained in their minds that their perception of the events is even worse than were the actual events. His "olive branch" has been rejected too many times. It has now been determined by him, after much soul-searching, that there is nothing more he can say or do to "make the peace."

"So, what do I do?" he asks. How do I win them over?"

And, my answer? You don't.

That's right. You don't!

Or, rather, I should say, you no longer extend yourself in a way that asks them to forgive, forget, or otherwise come to a different conclusion than the one they've already reached.

Why not? Because it's not going to happen. There's only so many times one can reach out before it hits - what's known in marketing terms as - diminishing returns.

As far as these particular Directors are concerned, their minds are made up. What is, is, and nothing is going to change their minds.

Trying to get such a person to change their mind, thoughts, feelings or actions is - as the saying goes - like trying to teach a pig to sing: you'll only frustrate yourself and really annoy the pig!

It reminds me of when I was in 10th grade in high school. An incident occurred with a group of kids which caused them to be very angry with me.

And, it really was my fault. What I did, while not a 10 on the 1-10 scale, was certainly wrong and they had a right to be "ticked off" at me.

Despite my apologies and continued outreach for their forgiveness, eventually, my best buddy, Bruce, took me aside and said, "Bob, it's time to let it go. You did the best you could. If they're not interested in being friends, it's now their problem, not yours. But nothing you can say is going to change their minds right now."

And, he was right. So, I let it go. I never stopped giving a quick nod or "hello" if I happened to pass one of them in the halls, but that was about as far as I would go.

Eventually, little by little, I got to be good acquaintances with practically the entire group and, looking back, even had some really good times with them by the time high school ended. I look back at them as being friends.

In the situation we're discussing now, I believe my friend needs to do the same thing.

Be polite, be cordial, do what he can to have a workable situation right now, understanding that it will be uncomfortable for awhile and accepting that as a fact. Don't join the gossip fest; stay above it by communicating correctly and diplomatically to those who need to know certain things.

Of course, if things don't change dramatically, then one of three things will most likely happen; either he'll be gone soon, they'll be gone soon (not re-elected to Board), or everyone will stay. If it's the third, than one of two things will happen; either they'll continue to have an uncomfortable relationship or they'll have a sustainable relationship.

Or, there's one more possible outcome: They'll actually end up coming to an understanding and enjoying a relationship that's better than ever.

But sometimes we need to realize that the best way to win over an unwinnable foe is to "let it go"; detach ourselves from the outcome and simply do the best we can.

Bob Burg of Burg Comunications,Inc is author of EndlessReferrals: Network Your Everyday Contacts Into Sales, Winning Without Intimidation and The Success Formula. Check out his full line of books, ebooks and CDs from which everyone can grow and prosper at his online store. Bob also publishes a wide-acclaimed free weekly ezine, Winning Without Intimidation. Subscribe here.

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