Can You Become More Likeable?

What makes you as a person "likeable," anyway?

Can you actually increase your likeability?

(Yes.)

According to Tim Sanders, author of The Likeability Factor (2005), your overall likeabilty is based on four key elements, in this order of importance:

• Friendliness
  
• Relevance
  
• Empathy
  
• Realness

Four Elements of Likeability

Friendliness

By "friendliness" Sanders means "expressing a liking for another person" or "communicating welcome." These behaviors put people at ease and let them know you want to be with them. (Generally, we like people who show they like us.)

This friendliness element is communicated both verbally through kind and welcoming words, and also non-verbally by the upbeat, positive energy you give off, your facial expressions (smiling, looking at the other person), and your general demeanor (e.g., posture, handshakes, hugs, close distance.)

Relevance

Relevance has to do with the degree to which you express interest in another person's interests and needs.

When you show genuine interest in someone's passion, or their deeper needs, you create a bond. They know you are sincerely interested in them.

Therefore, asking questions such as "What's the major challenge you're dealing with now?" or "How is your book project coming along?" shows them you are concerned with what is central in their lives.

Even better, if you demonstrate a deep common interest (such as raising money for a project you both care about), that type of "relevance" is even more powerful in shaping another's perception that you are a likeable person.

Empathy

Empathy consists of your ability to "put yourself in the other's shoes." That is, to really understand them as they understand themselves.

You identify with them, how they feel, the situation they're in, and their motives. In important ways, you know them, and they feel that you know. As well, when your sense of them is without judgment, they feel accepted just as they are.

As the great psychologist Carl Rogers showed, when we feel accepted just as we are, then we can change. With acceptance by valued others comes the freedom to choose. Dr. Rogers based his whole "client-centered therapy" on this premise: Deep understanding through careful empathic listening allows people to find positive feelings and new directions for themselves.

Realness

Finally, Sanders adds "realness," which suggests that "what you see is what you get." Authenticity would be a synonym for realness, as would "genuineness."

No pretense, no phony-baloney. People who are real are usually at ease because they're not trying to cover up anything. In turn, their being at ease puts you at ease.

Real people are easy to be around because you feel safe knowing you can trust what they say. (Imagine if more salespeople dropped their memorized pitches and talked to you informally with true facts and real values. Wouldn't you want to buy from them?)

Likeability is created during conversation

As you can see, the others' perception of you as likeable is shaped mainly through the medium of conversation.

You meet and re-meet persons, each time expressing a certain quality of friendliness. "Persons" includes everybody - those close to you, like spouses, children, relatives, and co-workers, and those you deal with only in passing, such as store clerks and even strangers.)

Do you have a friendly greeting for your customers but only an indifferent one for your spouse?

Then, do you show interest in and ask about others' lives? Knowing that your supermarket manager has a son serving in Iraq, do you ask how he's doing? When your daughter did not get the job she desired, do you show genuine (and tactful) interest? If so, you are making yourself relevant.

When you prepare to empathize, you've got to quiet down and listen up. Others do most of the talking and you occasionally check to see that you accurately pick up what they're feeling.

When listening you're not feeling sorry for them (that's sympathy); Instead, you're sharing in their experience. When they feel this understanding, they'll see you as more likeable.

Last, exhibiting realness gives a consistency to your likeability. No puttin' on airs, no dissembling.

(You notice that almost everyone likes babies because they are so expressively friendly and unaffectedly real. And people also like you as an adult when you are real.)

Finally, nourishing and building likeability is a contact sport. You need to be seen and heard up close and personal in order to be believed to be reliably likeable.

So get out there in your consistently best form - friendly, interested, empathic, and real - and you'll knock their socks off!

Loren Ekroth © 2005

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com Check out resources and archived articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com.

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