Our world is full of a multitude of sound that fill our lives everyday. Being able to balance our attention between the sounds we "hear," and the conversations we should "listen" to, takes honest intent, patience, and practice....practice...practice.

Why is effective listening so important?

Stuart R. Levine and Michael A. Crom, co-authors of The Leader In You, How To Win Friends, Influence People and Succeed In A Changing World, underscore the importance of effective listening in this simple explanation: "There are two very good reason to listen to other people. You learn things that way, and people respond to those who listen."

It feels good to learn something, to grow. It also feels good to be heard. Unfortunately, the temptation to "talk first" and "listen second" can be overwhelming.

We all deserve the chance to be the teacher as well as the student

I think back to interactions I've had with people who try to "hog" a conversation and believe they really didn't come to the conversation to get my opinion in the first place, more so, to just hear themselves. This all seemed evident in that they would not let me get a "word in edgewise," as the familiar saying goes.

By intentionally not letting someone have a turn in conversation , it shows the same lack of respect as "butting-in" to a conversation. We all deserve the chance to be the teacher as well as the student.

What can happen when we listen carefully?

I have had the good fortune to be guided by many mentors. One of my favorite memories is of fishing with my Grandfather.

He taught me patience, persistence, creativity, and fun while fishing...at an young age when I had little patience. I was drawn in by how exciting my Grandfather made going fishing. He would tell stories of his past fishing adventures, as well as, all the things he did as a young man.

I learned alot about fishing and about life. Sadly, my Grandfather passed on a few years back, but I remember everything he taught me.

What can happen when we don't listen carefully?

I have to admit that I still struggle with being impatient at times. Yet, early on in my foodservice career, I learned a valuable lesson in making sure to listen closely to others.

One day, while working with another chef, I was instructed to make sure that some meat products were put in the refrigerator before leaving for the day. Now, I was rushing about performing four or five other tasks when I got the instructions about the meat products. Instead of slowing down and listening more carefully, maybe even writing a note to remind myself of the meat products, I just went busily upon way.

Guess what happen to the meat? The next day, we had to throw away about $500.00 worth of meat...a very expensive lesson.

I found being impatient and not listening carefully to others ALWAYS costs something in time, effort, and money. With a little less of a "busy mind," I would not have had to learn this particular lesson.

How do we become better listeners?

Most of us go about our day being bombarded by noises from every direction. We wake to the sound of an alarm clock...voices from other family members...dogs barking...cars and trains passing by...etc. Being able to physically and mentally focus on any one sound can be difficult, if not impossible at times.

So, how do we learn to fine tune our ability to listen? Here are a seven things I practice to show respect, cultivate rapport, fight impatience, and receive a clearer message in any situation.

1. Exercise your ears. Everyday, I take our dog, Beano, for an afternoon walk. During our walk, I hear a variety of sounds coming from birds, cars, people, wind, etc. As I experience these sounds, I pick out two or three to focus on one at a time, then all at once again.

I suggest to start by practicing this exercise in a relaxed atmosphere, where you can let your mind clear and your ears take in as many sounds as possible. With regular practice, you should find yourself being able to separate and zero in on individual sounds much easier and faster in any situation. Personally, I have found this exercise to improve my overall attentiveness in every area of my life.

2. Enter every conversation expecting to learn. Expectation can begin a conversation long before a single word is spoken. What we "think" is going to happen in a conversation can greatly impact how we enter it.

Going into a conversation, expecting to be taught, helps set a relaxed mind and body that is open to listen, then speak. You never know, you might come away with more knowledge than you ever expected.

3. Get as close as possible to the other person without making them feel and look uncomfortable. If you invade someone's "personal space," you will not receive the true message no matter what the distance is between each of you.

4. Maintain good eye contact. People look for understanding in the face and eyes. When you look away while somone is talking, you don't give them a chance to see your understanding, or lack of it. You WILL miss something they say and run the risk of insulting them.

5. Ask to have something repeated if you don't understand it. There is no disrespect in asking for clarification, especially if there are distractions. In fact, asking for clarification is one of the best ways to honor someone (I think what you have to say is important, but I didn't get all of what you said, would you repeat it?).

6. Smile often and show relaxed body posture (i.e. open arms, relaxed brow, etc.) Even among distractions, people are more likely to persist in trying to get their message to you if you show they are "welcome" with non-verbal cues.

7. Don't let emotion "rule" your side of the conversation. Imagine you are having a conversation in a typically noisy place like a shopping center, sporting event, music concert, etc. Despite the distractions, your message is flowing. Suddenly, the person you are talking to excitedly speaks out in the middle of your turn at speaking, stalling your thoughts.

Having this personally happen to me, I can tell you it is almost easier to just excuse yourself from the conversation. In every instance, when I was interrupted in a noisy place, the conversation lost direction and emotion, becoming very difficult to recover. For myself, education is a topic that stirs high emotion. When I talk to someone about education, I am very careful to resist jumping in while someone else is talking, no matter how much I want to get up on my "soapbox" and preach!

Have you ever noticed when you let someone talk long enough, they will begin to tell you everything about them or their special interests? They begin to trust you because you show genuine interest, respect and love.

As the world becomes smaller and it's pace continues to quicken, I believe effective listening skills will only bring richer relationships to us all. By fine-tuning our listening skills, we all can get more chances to give and receive from each other.

After all, isn't that what "good listening" is all about?

Copyright, 2006, David Duncan

David Duncan lives in in Saint Paul, Minnesota. He has spent the last twenty-five years in the Food/Hospitality industry in various leadership roles. In 1994, he graduated from Metropolitan State University (Saint Paul) with a degree in Non-Profit Administration. David also runs an independent home business together with his wife, Margaret. You can contact David at david.duncan2006@hotmail.com. Visit David and Margaret on the Web at: http://www.ryze.com/go/dmtduncan.

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