When NOT to Listen

Careful listening is, of course, a basic and vital communication skill. But what do you do when confronted with obscenity, hurtful comments, or downright verbal abuse? Can you remain civil and polite while innoculating yourself against the verbal garbage or tuning yourself out from the conversation?

You will notice that a lot of audible nonsense comes your way.

Some of it is just plain toxic in its energy. Various angry rants and riffs of profanity, for example.

Some of it is just plain dumb, mouths full of clichés and conventional pap. As American statesman Thomas Brackett Reed said, "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."

Still other verbiage is accusatory, blameful, attempting to hurt you. Verbal abuse, plain and simple.

Because paying close attention and letting in all such junk can truly be upsetting and hurtful, it's helpful to be able literally to tune it out if you wish to. And you can.

With a little bit of experimentation, you'll find you can turn down the volume when any of this stuff is coming at you, just as you can turn down the volume dial on your radio or TV.

You are now on automatic pilot, and the verbal chatter of an offending person becomes more like background music

When you do this, you are no longer focusing intently on the speaker's words.

You are, instead, de-focusing, giving only a soft focus - still polite, but having turned down the intensity. You are now on automatic pilot, and the verbal chatter of an offending person becomes more like background music or street noise.

One of my former professors defended himself against the whining of his worry-wart wife who from time to time would ramble on with a litany of her "ain't it awful" themes. To do so, he literally turned down the volume of his hearing aid. Anyway, he'd heard it all before.

He'd nod appreciatively and continue looking at his wife while hearing only a soft buzz of her voice.

Sometimes you may need actually to remove yourself from the scene if what you are hearing is too toxic or upsetting. You need a "time out."

For example, marriage counselors often advise warring couples for either of them to call time and temporarily depart of their partner becomes too heated. When both calm down after a difficult exchange, they can return to their communication.

A professional psychologist is paid to listen intently, but most of us need not assume such professional requirements when listening to the boozy guy in the next seat on an airplane or a co-worker who tends to go on a political or religious rant.

Instead, we can be civil and polite - but with the volume turned way down.

Loren Ekroth © 2007, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com.

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