Don't Fight, Just Think -
and Counter the Attack!

Have you ever been sitting in a meeting when you hear someone, shall we say, misrepresent the truth? They take credit for something they didn't do or state information as fact, when, in fact, their information isn't even reliable.

You really care about the issue they're pontificating about and feel certain that someone at the meeting will stop them. No one says anything and the person (possibly a manager, owner, colleague or direct report) continues with this misguided misinformation!

You realize you'll have to be the one to take the responsibility to impart the truth. If not, decisions will be made based on these fabrications, or the person who really did the work won't be recognized or, whatever, it's just not right, it's not even ethical to your way of thinking, and you need to say something.

You say: "That's not right. I think we need to do way more research before we base our marketing plan on it. Any way, did anyone ask Joe? He's the most familiar with it."

A few people glance at you, but you notice that most of them have averted their eyes. Surely someone will back you up. Nothing. No one says a word.

"Wait a minute here. Everyone knows those focus groups things were skewed. I'm not the only one around here who's talked about it," you blurt out.

No one is looking at you now. Dead silence for a moment, and then you hear the team leader say, "If there are no other questions, the next issue is..."

The only thought that goes through your head is: What was I thinking?

Here's the good news! You weren't thinking!

Physiologically, when we're upset or angry, our bodies literally stop thinking! Our adrenal glands start pumping adrenaline into our body (this just happens, we don't make it happen). Blood flow is reduced to areas non-essential to (primitive) survival (when all we could do was fight the interloper or flee from the lion's attack--not when we could persuade, reason and influence).

The blood rushes to our extremities (sometimes we can even feel the tingle in our fingers) so that we're fully prepared to either fight our attacker or flee from him. As our arms and legs get more blood, the brain - the part we need most - gets less.

So, when we need to be thinking most calmly and most rationally and most professionally, we're in a state similar to that of a hungry pit bull who has been trained only to attack, or a mama lioness when she senses danger for her cub.

To get better results, to get the respect and recognition we deserve, it's critical to stop those tiny little adrenal glands from pumping out that adrenaline. We can't control that primitive gut "fight or flight" reaction but we can control what happens after next.

This communication process will help you quickly regain control the next time you feel like grabbing the other person by the hair and dragging him or her off to your cave, to eat them for dinner!

When you're angry, offended or frustrated, before you say a word, ask yourself: What do I want to gain or get?

Case study: a request ignored!

Picture this scenario: You have an employee who ignores your request to submit a report to you weekly detailing what she has accomplished and what she needs to work on next week.

You've asked her, you've emailed her. You like her though, she seems to try, though she also seems to pick and choose what she'll work on even when you express urgency, and this just irks you. One more week goes by, and again she leaves without giving you her report.

Because you don't know if she accomplished what you had asked her to do, you spend a lot of time over the weekend emailing her with follow up questions. You plan to speak to her first thing, Monday morning.

What will you say? Okay, I know what you might like to say (You're fired!), but what will you say?

First, ask yourself: What do I want to gain or get? What's my motive?

A bunch of different answers may pop into your head. That's fine because it's the communication process that is helping you achieve your goals.

As soon as you force yourself to ask that question (instead of speaking from an adrenaline high, first), you literally force those little glands to stop spewing so much stuff! You start calming down and the blood starts flowing back to your brain so you can use those higher levels of reasoning that we've been given.

What do I want to gain or get? "I want control of this situation. I want her to do what I ask her to do. I want her to turn in those reports so I don't have to do more work."

Bingo! What do I really want? I want her to turn in the report so I'll know what's done and what isn't. I want her to do her work so I don't have to.

Here comes the all-important follow up question (now that your brain is back to functioning!): If I really want this, how would I act and what would I say?

Well, if I really want it, I probably wouldn't attack her when she walks in Monday.

I probably wouldn't ask her why she didn't turn in the report (is my purpose to discover her reasons for not turning it in or to get her to turn in it?). I probably wouldn't threaten her (if you can't do this, you're fired) .I probably wouldn't tell her I spent the weekend working because I didn't know what she had accomplished (what will she care how you chose to spend your weekend--and will it get you closer to getting what you want?).

Instead, you say: "Tiffany, I'd like to talk to you about those weekly reports I asked you to do." (She rolls her eyes and your adrenal glands start up....)

What is that you want? You want her to turn in the report.

"I want you to start turning in the weekly report we've talked about because it lets me know what you've accomplished and what still needs to be done."

If you've been a faithful reader of these columns, you know that when she speaks you'll need to listen for the points she makes that you can agree with. Affirm her, and then move her forward.

Tiffany says, "Those reports take up so much time and I have too much to do to do it all."

You: "You're right, you have a lot of work each week. It's for that exact reason that I must have those reports."

Here comes another essential technique. Tell her what you don't want her thinking. What did she just say to you? ("Those reports take up so much time...") What do you think she is thinking? This is stupid busy work that keeps me from doing my job.

Stop her (and her adrenal glands) and say: "I don't want you to think (use those exact words!) that this is only busy work. It may seem that way but it's the only way I can know what's been done."

Now, switch back to what you want her to think (or know): "I want you to know that the first few times, you're right (again affirming her), it probably will take time away from other stuff you have to do. After that. it'll make your job easier and I'll stop hassling you with all those emails asking 'did you do this, when are you going to do this?' "

Let's sum up..what are the strategies?

1. Stop fight or flight by immediately asking yourself: What do I want to gain or get?
   
   
2. Once you figure out what you really want from the communication, ask yourself: If I really want this, how would I act and what would I say?
   
   
3. Listen for points of agreement. Affirm.
   
   
4. Tell the other person exactly what you don't want him to think. (I recently had a serious discussion with my son. I knew he would think the reason I was saying what I was saying was because I was angry with him because of something he had done. That wasn't it at all. I wasn't angry but I knew he would think I was. I started with, "I don't want you to think I'm angry with you about anything. I'm not angry at all.")
   
   
5. Tell her what you do want.

Admittedly, the next step may be to repeat steps 1 - 5! That's okay! It means that you're on your way to getting the result, respect and recognition you deserve instead of more stress, bad feelings and burned bridges.

By using these communication tools you'll not only help the people you deal with to give you the outcome you desire, you'll keep from being dinner yourself!

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