The Pre-Apology Approach

Can saying sorry be appropriate even when you have nothing to apologize for? In fact, apologizing before asking people for help can be one of the most effective ways to open them up to give you the help you need. The effect is even more dramatic if the person you're approaching is currently unhappy or miserable.

by Bob Burg

Question: "Can you share an example of a time when you really needed help from someone but they had that look like, 'don't bother me' or, at the very least, you could just tell they weren't in a helpful mood? I'd love to know how you handle that sort of situation."

As I approached the ticket counter, the agent did not look happy. In fact, he looked downright miserable.

This was not a good sign, as I needed him to be working with me. I needed to change a couple of items on my ticket, and time was of the essence.

But, this was a man who, by the looks of things, was prepared to be difficult. How do you work effectively with that potential challenge and end up Winning Without Intimidation?

The Talmud asks, "Who is mighty? It then answers, "One who can control their emotions and make of an enemy, a friend."

Okay, Burg. Time to use that advice and give it your best shot.

First, I approached him with a genuinely warm, friendly smile . . . this had no effect whatsoever. I have to admit, at that point I really felt like telling him to "shape up and get with it!" Of course, doing that would have just turned a "potential" enemy into a "real" enemy.

Instead, I decided to gently disarm him by using, what I call the Pre-Apology Approach. This is where you apologize in advance for all he is going to do for you.

"I'm sorry you've got to even bother with all this stuff, it must be a real pain in the neck."

It isn't so much the apology as much as your understanding that the other person has feelings that need to be acknowledged

Voila! (I think that's pronounced something like, "wah lah!"). That was it. It was that simple. From there he went above and beyond for me. All he needed was for someone to understand what he was feeling.

Can you believe it? With that one small statement his attitude completely changed for the better. I'll bet he was friendlier to the customers that followed me, as well.

And that isn't the only time I've seen that happen.

Whether at hotels, a crowded store, within your own family, or practically anywhere else, this works. And, it isn't so much the apology - although that's the premise - as much as your understanding that the other person has feelings about something that need to be acknowledged.

The natural reaction would've been to match his scowl and battle to an eventual lose/lose. My associate who was there with me compared this encounter to those typical of one of her former employers. She said this person would have screamed and yelled, maybe gotten his way (though probably not), but would've definitely ruined the moment, and quite possibly the day, for everyone involved.

It's always easier to get what you want or need by helping the other person feel good about himself or herself, and about you, first.

The next time you are about to encounter someone you perceive to be potentially difficult, and feel yourself about to become angry, remember the saying, "A mighty person is one who can control their emotions and make, of an enemy, a friend."

Bob Burg of Burg Communications,Inc is author of EndlessReferrals: Network Your Everyday Contacts Into Sales, Winning Without Intimidation and The Success Formula. Check out his full line of books, ebooks and CDs from which everyone can grow and prosper at his online store. Bob also publishes a wide-acclaimed free weekly ezine, Winning Without Intimidation. Subscribe here. Sign up here for a free subscription to Bob's Endless Referrals Video Brief.

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