How to Push Back Without
Being Perceived as 'Pushy'

I have been told that I can come off as too abrasive and pushy at times. My boss said I can border on cocky. I have always been sure of myself and I felt that senior management was looking for solid, confident answers. Apparently, I rub some people the wrong way.

My question is, how do I “push back” –which they say they want—and yet not look too pushy? Any advice you can offer I’d appreciate.

Answer:

You are lucky to have a boss who will tell you about this feedback.

Even though it may sound contradictory — push, but don’t be pushy — there is a fine line he is trying to describe. When you are advising someone who is at the top of the organizational food chain, there is a need to respect their position and think with them, not show off for them.

While I’m sure senior managers want you to be sure of your data and do your technical homework, you can’t possibly know all the information they know. They are privy to other business facts and pressures that you aren’t aware of. So, if you come across as a know-it-all, it will make you look cocky and naïve.

Here are some phrases that will help you position your data and push back, without offending:

"Can I play the devil’s advocate?"

When you open with this request, you are positioning—and cushioning-- the feedback they are about to hear. They know what you are about to say is contrary to the direction they appear to be moving. When you are playing a “role” as devil’s advocate, it is easier to take than if you, personally, just shoot down their idea.

Sometimes a group of people get up a head of steam and start moving down a path, without doing enough critical thinking about the pros and cons. While acting as the devil’s advocate might burst their bubble, it will be easier —and less personal— if you give your advice in this role.

"If you decide to go this route, my concern is this…"

This preface acts as a helpful warning that is designed to protect them from making a bad decision. When you use “my concern is” it shows you are thinking ahead and considering consequences.

If you say this in a helpful, thinking-out-loud tone, it will be perceived as helpful coaching. If, however, you sound arrogant (“let me point out the consequences”) it will backfire.

Then you can spell out each potential consequence. Take care to pose the potential consequences by walking them through your rationale. This will help them understand your logic and they won’t feel like you are trying to outsmart them.

The goal is to make them think with you, not to show off how much you know.

Ask "What concerns you most?" and "What problem are you trying to solve with this decision?"

In order to be a good advisor, you must crawl into the head of the people you are trying to help.

When there is a lot of resistance to one of your ideas, or you can see that the conversation is tentative or going in circles, these questions will act like a clarifying beam of light that illuminate the critical issues. It will refocus the discussion on what’s important. It will open the door for you to offer key data or advice that will influence the decision and get them moving toward a solution.

"Are you willing to accept another course of action, if it meets your criteria for a good solution?"

Rather than push back when you are feeling stiff resistance, this question allows you to put aside the “yes-it-is / no-it-isn’t” argument. When the senior team digs in its heels, you will only tick them off if you continue to badger them. They will stop listening altogether and view you as the problem.

This question opens the door far enough for you to come back with more data or a different solution. How can they fight you, if your solution meets their criteria for a successful outcome?

I have used this phrase when a client seems to have his or her mind made up, and is trying to force me to move in a direction I think could be a mistake. I then ask the other person to restate their criteria. If I can come back and show them how a different solution will get them what they want, with less negative fallout, they are pleasantly surprised and relieved that I pushed back.

"I understand why you would think that way--because of X,Y and Z. But what about this alternative?"

This phrase shows the person that you are giving him or her credit for thinking the way that they do. It doesn’t diminish it or dispute it. They will be much more willing to listen to your idea after such a positive acknowledgement. It will feel like partners brainstorming, rather than a critique.

Joan Lloyd’s How to Coach & Give Feedback learning system is a step-by-step approach to giving feedback to your employees, your coworkers, or even your boss. Actually reduces defensiveness and encourages open communication. Now available in CD!

Joan Lloyd has a solid track record of excellent results. Her firm, Joan Lloyd & Associates, specializes in leadership development, organizational change and teambuilding. This includes executive coaching, 360-degree feedback processes, customized leadership training, conflict resolution between teams or individuals, internal consulting skills training for HR professionals and retreat facilitation. Clients report results such as: behavior change in leaders, improved team performance and a more committed workforce.

Joan Lloyd has earned her C.S.P. (certified speaking professional) designation from the National Speakers Association and speaks to corporate audiences, as well as trade & professional associations across the country. Reach her at (800) 348-1944, mailto:info@joanlloyd.com, or www.JoanLloyd.com.

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