Making Conversation Safe for Others

Many people feel anxious during conversation, and helping them to feel safe can advance the quality of the interaction.

Why are they anxious? We're just talking, aren't we?

Well, according to Bernardo Carducci, Ph.D., psychology professor at the University of Indiana Southeast, about 40% of adults can be classified as "shy." (Professor Carducci has made a specialty of researching shyness.)

A related group are "highly sensitive persons" who are easily overwhelmed by noisy, colorful, and fast-moving environments, including people. Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist, wrote several books about these people – who by her estimates make up roughly 15-20% of the population.

Then there are the people who are just plain self-conscious, pre-occupied with how they are being seen, concerned about what to say next so as not to appear stupid. They feel uneasy around strangers and rarely initiate conversations with others.

In fact, probably about half of the people we meet and talk with are at least slightly uncomfortable when we encounter them.

How to de-threaten others and help them feel safe

1. Soften up. Lower your voice

Take a page out of the textbook of police officers and social workers. When they enter a home in the midst of family upset when everyone is frightened, they will speak slowly, confidently, and quietly to put everyone at ease.

You can do the same with anxious people you meet.

Another example: When talking to a small child, a teacher or parent often gets down on one knee so they can be close and at eye level with the child. And then they speak quietly.

2. Get your judgements out of the way

Accept the other person as s/he is. If you show signs of judging them or disapproving, they'll pick up your signals with their attenae, which are finely tuned.

Dropping the tendency to judge takes some mindfulness and effort, but you can at least reduce the effects.

1. Confirm to others they're getting through

Often, nervous people are worried that they don't make sense, aren't being clear, or seem stupid.

To allay their fears, you can confirm that they are getting through by active listening. You can say things like "I see. Your point is that . . ." or "OK, I understand."

4. Don't interrupt or argue

Let them finish what they're trying to say. They may hesitate, ramble, or stumble. Avoid jumping in and taking over just because they're hesitant.

Patiently let them finish their thoughts, and they'll become more comfortable.

5. Use your energy field

Each of us is surrounded with a bio-field of energy that extends out about 3 feet from our body.

If you imagine a friendly energy bubble of soft pink light, then surround an anxious stranger or frightened child with that energy, and they will sense that you are safe, friendly, unthreatening. They cannot see the energy, but they can feel it.

(For readers who find such concepts a bit far out, be assured that they are well-researched. Hundred of articles and books are available, such as The Promise of Energy Psychology, by David Feinstein, Ph.D. There is also a professional association, ACEP (Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology.) of which I have long been a member.)

The main thing to consider

The main thing when de-threatening people is to "Take it easy!" Because we live in a society that is often aggressive, pushy, and competitive, and it's easy to get caught up in those ways of acting.

However, it's also good to remember that many people in our lives need to be treated with gentleness and sensitivity.

(Sometimes we ourselves are in need of gentle treatment when we're scared. Isn't that so?)

Loren Ekroth © 2006, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com and subscribe to his weekly Better Conversations ezine.

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How to Converse With an Anxious Person
Why Change Conversation Habits?
Conversation Nourishment
Why Aren't You Talking to Me?
Bringing Out the Best in People During Conversations