How to Speak About Tough Topics in Tense Times

Most people avoid difficult conversations. They can justify that avoidance in many ways. In fact, research shows that many folks will even leave their positions and walk away rather than manage the interpersonal conflicts at work.

When sensitive issues go unaddressed, life at work can feel like walking in a minefield. Each step must be carefully taken. Even when hyper-vigilant, there is still the possibility of an unexpected 'Ka-BOOM!' It is not surprising, then, that people prefer to stay away from them. Avoidance may create a false sense of safety. The mines are still there.

Good communication skills are like a metal detector in a minefield. They allow you to sweep the area looking for previously undetected danger zones. Once found, the operator can probe around the sensitive area to see how far it extends.

Then, the object can be carefully exposed to reveal its true form and color. It may be simply an errant piece of shrapnel from a previous battle, or, a real mine protecting personal or professional territory. By proceeding with great skill, no one will get hurt.

Good communication skills give you the confidence to walk in minefields unscathed. Good communication skills give you the confidence to have difficult conversations.

When life is tense, listen first

Most people long to be understood, to be seen, to be heard, recognized for who they are. It makes us feel connected. In tense times, we often become more concerned with protecting ourselves than learning about others. The willingness to listen first and speak second demonstrates our maturity and self-control.

When discussing a tough topic, begin with a mutual agreement to stick with the conversation at least for as long as it takes for each of you to understand the issue as the other sees it. Even if you cannot come to an agreement as to how to manage it in this first meeting, you have made headway and gained insights to consider before meeting again.

Know what you think and the result you want

It is not unusual for unskilled people to go into a difficult conversation focused on how they want they other person to change. Unless you are the boss with the clout to fire, this approach is almost guaranteed to backfire.

When entering a difficult conversation, take ownership of your part in the issue. In your preparation, look deeply into your own motives, words and actions. Be prepared to clarify your thinking, talk about your feelings and know the result you want.

Express and demonstrate your willingness

If you are truly interested in a solution to a difficult situation, you demonstrate it by setting aside enough time to engage in conversation. Quick exchanges tend to create surface fixes and result in little change over time. It may well take several meetings to arrive at a solution that will meet the needs of both parties and create lasting improvement.

It frequently happens that discomfort makes for brevity. Be willing to talk together in spite of the discomfort. Acknowledge it. Everyone knows it is difficult. Let the other person know that you appreciate their willingness to handle the issue.

Agreeing to continue the dialogue until some process for managing the conflict is found allows you to take the time--and, perhaps, the baby steps--you need to maintain safety and sanity, even if it takes several sessions.

Maintain a mutually respectful manner

Each person has the right to be treated respectfully. If you are feeling abused by the words of another, be sure to tell that person how you feel and how you would like to be spoken to. It is imperative that all words and actions are purposely respectful when broaching difficult topics. That includes your body language!

Remember, it is perfectly reasonable to call a halt to a conversation in which you are repeatedly feeling abused. (If you find 'abused' to be a too strong word, substitute "belittled", "put down", "talked down to", or "insulted".)

Choose appropriate timing

Be sure to check with the other person to set a time to talk. Before you do that, make sure that you have chosen an optimum time to suggest, and that there will be sufficient time and a private space in which to converse.

Yes, you may have to bite your tongue just at the moment you would most like to speak. If you really want the relationship to move forward, though, choose your timing well to ensure the best result.

Remain engaged

Set some guidelines for the conversation. Discuss what you will do if emotions rise or the conversation strays from the issue. When your goal is clear--to come to an understanding of the issues and one another sufficient to proceeding productively and purposefully, thicken your skin and sharpen your mind. Stick with the issues. That is what needs resolution. It is not about personalities. Be clear about that.

Words to be wise

The attitudes the parties bring to a difficult conversation determine the outcomes. When you approach a situation believing it can be remedied, you are ahead of the game.

If you believe that an agreement can be reached and demonstrate your willingness to engage in the process of finding it, you are part of the solution. If you refuse to discuss the issue, you remain part of the problem.

Few people seek out confrontation for enjoyment. When you do want to work something out with another person, following these guidelines will help you to bring your best to the table, and, therefore, give your best to the conversation.

Sometimes you have to walk through minefields to reach your field of dreams. Use these points to ensure your safety and the safety of those around you while addressing tough topics in tense times.

© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD All rights reserved worldwide.

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, psychologist, consultant and catalyst, makes it easier to talk about difficult things. Founder of the Optimize Institute in San Diego, CA, she works with organizations that know their people are their top resource and with leaders who know that building relationships is a top priority. She leads her clients to create right-sized, high-performance teams that consistently, effectively and productively achieve goals and sustain profitability. Dr. Shaler is the author of Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work and more than two dozen other books and audio program. Call Dr. Shaler now and optimize your success. Visit www.OptimizeInstitute.com and subscribe to her Rhino Wrestler ezine.

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