Allowing Time to Understand

When conversing, many people are misunderstood because they assume too much and don't make adjustments to their listeners. Here are some ways to help your conversation partners understand you more accurately.

by Loren Ekroth, Ph.D.

When we hear unfamiliar or difficult ideas, we are rarely able to "grok" them in an instant. (To "grok" an idea means to understand deeply, to become one with the idea.. It connotes having an intimate and exhaustive knowledge.)

My father used to express this by saying "You have to allow time for that to soak in." Like rain falling on soil, some "soaking time" is often required for the moisture to seep deeply into the earth.

As students you've all had the experience of hearing a teacher explain a concept, but then you had to think about it, to mull it over, before you fully understood. Sometimes understanding required going over the notes, or asking the teacher for another explanation before you "got" it.

A common but incorrect assumption made by talkers is that because they've said something, their message is understood. A more accurate assumption would be that their message is at least partially misunderstood.

Why? One reason is the fallacy implied by the acronym sometimes used by editors when correcting the work of technical writers: COIK - "Clear Only If (already) Known." Since talkers usually understand what they're saying, they may erroneously assume that their hearers also understand.

Ways to increase accuracy of understanding

1. Slowing down can help, especially if your terms are unfamiliar to the listener. Going slower allows more "think-time" for the ideas to "soak in."


2. Explain your ideas inn more than one way, not just one way. Examples help, especially if they can be visualized. Stories also help to understand and to remember ideas. Sometimes we may literally have to draw someone a picture.


3. Ask questions to find out what your hearer has understood: "Can you tell me in your own words what you heard me say?" Often you'll discover that your hearer has an inaccurate or only partial understanding of what you tried to convey.



If you are the listener

Before you respond, you can preface your comments by saying "Let me think about that for a minute." You can also say something like "What I get from what you said is that . . ." and then say back in your own words what you understand.

In our hurry-up, nano-second world, misunderstandings abound. We are bombarded with loads of data and information, and we may share the same illusion as the speaker that because a message was uttered and we heard it, that we actually understand it.

Not so (unless we are already familiar with it.) Even though we may be able to memorize information and hold it for a brief time, we will not have converted that information into true knowledge, which contains emotion, viewpoint, judgment, and often personal experience.

Finally, consider your own experience of getting some driving directions from a service station attendant who has given out those same directions hundreds of times. Attendants often give the directions very quickly and without "painting word pictures." Then, not wanting to appear stupid, we drive on down the road, confused, frustrated and likely to take the wrong turn.

To be understood, our unfamiliar or complex messages need time to soak in and be understood. To get that result, we must often slow down, allow the listener more time, then even go the extra step to check if they've understood accurately.

Often, allowing more time to understand is, for the hearer, "the pause that refreshes."

Loren Ekroth © 2007, All rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. Contact Loren at Loren@conversation-matters.com. Check out a wealth of valuable resources and articles at http://www.conversation-matters.com and subscribe to his weekly free Better Conversations ezine (which also entitles you to two very informative reports).



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